In our last few posts, we’ve talked about why men and women leading together on the field is important, best practices to do that, and specifics for husband and wife leadership teams. In this post, we’ll bring some guidelines for men leading women in missions settings.
We think the ideal situation is when there can be a man and a woman co-leading together, taking advantage of all the diversity of gifts and perspectives to lead a healthy and effective team. From what we have observed, the ideal is rarely available on the mission field and it may be the case that the only qualified leader currently available is a man who is leading other women.
In my experience talking to men in this situation, these leaders deeply value their female teammates and strongly desire to see the women under their leadership thrive and flourish. But oftentimes, these leaders also don’t know what they don’t know, and unfortunately their intuitive leadership style may not end up being the most conducive or helpful when leading women.
In this scenario, we’ve laid out a few tips that we’d encourage male leaders to consider in order to best lead, empower, and appropriately care for the women on your team.
Aim to Develop
Generally speaking, men will feel most comfortable working with people who are most like them – namely other men. They may be aware that leading women is different from leading men but aren’t sure how to approach things differently. Consequently, women can get overlooked when it comes to intentional development and opportunities for growth. In all likelihood, the women on your team have already had a deficit of development opportunities to this point. We believe a missions team is strongest when all members of the team are empowered, developed, and thriving in their best role. Here are some suggestions for how to best develop your female teammates.
Solicit and Give Feedback – Make an effort to regularly and proactively solicit the opinions and feedback of your female teammates about what they are processing about themselves, about your leadership, about the team, and about the ministry work. Women are encouraged to not make waves and will not always volunteer their perspectives, especially if their opinion contradicts that of the group. Because women are generally more collaborative and risk-averse by nature, women may sometimes need more time and space to process information. While this might feel like you are being forced to slow down, creating this venue for women to share creates safety and brings in perspectives that will most likely reap dividends down the line. Practically, it could be as simple as asking a female teammate during a meeting, “What do you think?” Or, if a female teammate hasn’t spoken much during a meeting, pulling them aside after the meeting is over and asking for their feedback.
Conversely, and just as important, give gentle but direct feedback to the women you lead. I have observed that in ministry spaces, women, and especially mothers, can sometimes “get the pass” because of not wanting to hurt feelings or not wanting to pile on pressure. But when feedback is withheld, a woman’s ability to learn and develop is undercut, and the whole team suffers. If you have feedback you would give to a man, then the women on your team deserve the same benefit.
Keep in mind that when you give feedback, women might respond differently than men! You should aim to create a safe space for women to freely and safely express their emotions. Ask about their feelings concerning a situation. Sometimes, there may be a response like tears or frustration – don’t be afraid to engage with emotional responses. (Steven says to keep the tissues nearby!) In some situations, high emotions are an appropriate response and sometimes they are not. Let the emotion be a jumping off point for further questions and dialogue into understanding their experience before continuing to discuss the topic at hand.
For women that you lead, it can be comforting to see that not only do you respect and seek out their inputs, but you also respect them enough as peers and teammates that you would say the hard thing for their development. It becomes that much easier to trust and follow your leadership.
Find a Woman Mentor or Coach – While I had a male supervisor in our organization, I credit much of my growth and development to the female mentors he encouraged me to find. I respected my male colleagues, but would always be curious about, “how would a woman approach this topic?”
These topics could include personal development issues, family and marriage counseling, or ministry coaching. You, as a male leader, are not going to have all the answers and will definitely not carry a woman’s perspective. But you can network and find women with experience and credibility to connect with the women on your team. These mentors could come from your organization’s member care staff, your wife, a more experienced worker, or another female leader in a different context. And it doesn’t only have to be one woman mentor that can address everything – find the appropriate coach for the areas that your women teammates need input. Help the women you lead build an ecosystem of support that includes you as the leader, and also female mentors and coaches who can speak into their specific needs.
Create an Empowering Culture
It’s important to very intentionally create a culture that is empowering to women. This may take some outside-the-box thinking as most systems and structures, whether from business or ministry contexts, will generally be more accommodating for men. For more information on this topic, you can reference our blog post on external barriers that women in leadership face.
Clearly Define What You Believe – As theologians and denominations continue to wrestle with defining women’s roles and parameters for women’s leadership, ministry can be a very confusing place for women. Most women in ministry will understand that there is a “line” that they shouldn’t cross, but that line can feel very nebulous and arbitrary. Without this level of clarity, women who want to respect you as a leader will tend to draw far back from where they assume the “line” is.
If you are a man leading women, it’s important that your theological position and work expectations are clearly communicated to both the men and women on your team. Can a woman hold a leadership role? What about teaching or preaching? Can women work with male team members? Can women lead men? What kind of communication and accountability expectations do you have for women on the team?
In addition, be clear about any personal boundaries that you have when working with women. When should husbands be looped in and for what kinds of topics? Are there topics that you will not discuss with women that you lead? Can you text, call, or email one on one with a woman or do you prefer to communicate in a group? What are spaces that you feel comfortable meeting a woman in?
Create space for dialogue, where women you lead can ask questions, push back, and offer feedback. After there is buy-in on both sides, help the women on your team find their ideal roles within the theological stance of the team. If it is helpful, write these things down, possibly in an MOU, as a reference point for the whole team.
Even if the conversation feels awkward, remember that this clarity is kindness. This prevents the women on your team from wasting time guessing about the validity of their actions and allows them to joyfully pursue their work within agreed upon parameters. When men on the team are clear about what is expected, they are better able to champion their female co-laborers and advocate for them.
Check Your Own Biases – We all have biases, whether we realize it or not. The goal is not to necessarily get rid of all your biases, but to recognize them and realize where they may be disempowering. Oftentimes, when Steven and I are both part of a meeting, it is assumed that I am there to take notes. Until I am introduced as a peer, I rarely receive eye contact from the men in the room or might be ushered toward the tables where the wives sit.
Are there certain roles that you naturally assume a woman would occupy? Notetakers, secretaries, event planners, administrative assistants, children ministry leaders, and mothers who stay home are all roles that “make sense” for women to occupy. And while these roles are incredibly important, not every woman you lead will want to be lumped into these categories.
Take the time to talk with the women that you lead about their passions, giftings, and opportunities for development and growth. Cast vision and help them brainstorm roles that align with their giftings to contribute to the team and ministry, and discuss how you can help them get there.
Create Environments Welcoming for Women – Culture is often set in those in-between spaces between official meetings and team functions. Much is revealed in how welcome women are in these informal gatherings and hangouts where people are less buttoned up. In my old organization, there was a tradition for leaders to sit around a campfire late-night with a glass of bourbon to relate to one another, process decisions made in the organization, and enjoy fellowship. While women were “welcome”, they weren’t ever explicitly invited. For many single gals, drinking late at night didn’t feel like a safe environment to let loose, while mothers with little kids had to opt out due to the late hour. An alternative we suggested was meeting in someone’s living room with both wine and bourbon options. As you consider your team culture, are relational spaces accessible to everyone? Do women feel invited to partake in the unofficial activities related to your team? Is there anyone who needs to be extended a specific invitation?
Navigating Unique Gender Dynamics
There are certain relational dynamics that must be considered in cross-gender leadership. Creating clarity and buy-in around these things first will prevent a world of confusion.
What to Do with Wives – For men leading married women, there are additional factors to consider and extra communication may be required. One of the first questions to discern is whether the wife of a couple that you lead feels both (1) called to be a part of the ministry work and (2) is willing to follow your leadership and direction for the mission. Do not make assumptions about a wife’s commitment based on simply what her husband is doing or saying. If she does want to be a part of the work, then have conversations with her and her husband about ways you can communicate, set directives, and develop her for her ministry role that are in line with the way their family operates. If you have hesitation about directly leading a married woman, try to loop in her husband into any communication that you might have with her.
On a similar note, if the husband of a couple you lead is also a leader, do not automatically assume that the wife needs to be a leader too. As we mentioned in our blog post on couples leading together, we would recommend that husbands and wives who lead together both need to have a leadership calling from God. It can be dangerous to elevate a wife into leadership when she has not received that level of calling as it places undue pressure on both her and potentially the marriage.
What to Do with Single Women – Single women are a powerful asset to any team, but often have the least influence or voice within a team or organization. Single women also may be boxed into certain roles like babysitting the teams’ kids or notetaking. Without husbands to help advocate for them, single women may withhold their voices instead of trying to speak directly with a male leader. Make sure that you are actively soliciting the opinions of single women and checking in on their needs, concerns, insight, and feedback. Single women may have higher relational needs, and it is important that you are able to resource them with mentors, coaches, and opportunities to meet local female friends.
Just a Little Intentionality…
The first time I publicly spoke in front of a crowd, I was terrified. Steven and I had been invited by our leader to share some of the lessons we had learned from our first term on the field to the rest of our organization’s staff. At that time, I was still wrestling with whether or not the Bible allowed for a woman to even speak publicly, so it was a big honor!
After I rambled through my part and sat down, a high level male leader in our organization sought me out. He told me, “you were a little shaky in the beginning. But much better when you got up to speed. You’re probably not as strong as a teacher, but you are gifted in exhortation and you need to speak more.” Then, turning to Steven, he told him, “you need to make sure that she gets space to speak.” Even almost ten years later, his direct feedback continues to remind me that I am seen, gifted, and have a contribution. For some reason, I assumed women would encourage me, but to be noticed by a high level male leader whose inner circle I normally wouldn’t be a part of meant something more. By God’s grace, I have continued using my voice to coach individuals, speak to larger groups, and even help co-host a podcast. But I wonder if I would have had the courage to say yes to the next opportunity if this leader hadn’t gone out of his way to give me his feedback and encouragement.
For you men who are leading women and desire to honor them in the highest way, my encouragement to you is that you don’t have to be perfect. But know that just a little bit of intentionality and empowerment from you can go a long way!
Reflection Questions
- Aim to Develop:
- Are there areas where you have not yet developed the women on your team?
- Do you find yourself withholding feedback from the women on your team? If yes, why?
- Do the women that you lead have access to women mentors and coaches who can help them grow? If no, where can you find these women?
- Create An Empowering Culture:
- Do you have personal clarity on your theological stance concerning women in ministry and your personal boundaries in regards to working with women? Have these been clearly communicated?
- Do you have implicit biases around women’s roles in ministry that might be impacting how you interact with the women that you lead?
- On a scale from 1-10 (1 being unsafe, 10 being very safe), how welcome do the women on your team feel during both team functions and informal gatherings? How can you increase this number?
- Navigating Gender Dynamics
- Are lines of communication and expectations clear with the wives that you lead?
- Are you regularly checking in on single women that you lead?