Heart Checks for Emotional Thriving

For missionaries launching to the field, the checklist of tasks to accomplish can feel unending – visas, housing, schooling – the list goes on and on. Not only that, we have learned from experience that cross cultural stress and transition tends to bring out the worst in ourselves. Leaving behind every comfort, support, and relationship and replacing it with the embarrassment and exhaustion that comes from engaging a foreign culture tends to bring out anxiety, frustration, and fear. And when those emotions take over, we can forget about dependence on the Lord and turn inwards to try and fix everything ourselves — mostly to our own detriment.

So, we must turn a discerning eye inwards and check on our hearts often in order to build spiritual and emotional resilience. When you are able to recognize your emotional responses to stress, you can then take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ. It allows us to turn these stressful situations into opportunities to draw nearer to Jesus and to learn from him! And as we strengthen our hearts with good self awareness, habits, and disciplines, we can set ourselves up for thriving and perseverance.

After helping several waves of teammates transition to the field, we have learned some ways to check your heart, and established some best practices that are most helpful for thriving on the field.

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Learn About Yourself

Learn about yourself, particularly your stressors and coping mechanisms

No part of our lives remain untouched by transition as our old norms and behaviors begin to clash with things in our new culture. In those times, you’re going to get stressed out, and you’ll find either healthy or unhealthy ways to cope.

Steven for example, being an introvert, found himself triggered by the noise, light, and constant flood of people in Bangkok. He would withdraw into himself and avoid chaotic situations, opting to take naps or binge video games. I enjoyed the city and didn’t find it as stressful, but when I had to use my barely sufficient Thai to ask a mechanic to fix our air conditioning, I fell to pieces in tears. I couldn’t stand being embarrassed or laughed at, and I became oversensitive, taking out my anger and frustration on those closest to me. As we understood our patterns, we both learned how to take a breath in those moments to repent of our self reliant coping mechanisms and to ask God to provide what we needed – energy for Steven, acceptance for me – and to help us continue on. We also bought earplugs to mute out some of the constant noise!

It’s important to know what your stressors and coping mechanisms are before you encounter them, so that we can bring these things to Christ. Here are some tools to help you self-discover:

• Ask yourself good questions. What kinds of situations and people stress you out? When you are stressed, what are your tendencies? What types of activities, things, or people help you to calm down from stress in healthy / unhealthy ways? 
• Take some inventories that help measure out different types of stressors like the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory.
• Personality tests like the Meyers Briggs and Enneagram can also help you understand yourself more.

Learn about your unique sin patterns and the lies you are prone to believe

A cunning strategist, when fighting a war, will always be looking for ways to exploit the weaknesses of their opponent. Similarly, our Enemy looks to use our unique vulnerabilities, personal sins, and the lies we tend to believe, to drive a wedge between us and God. We must be vigilant against his attacks (1 Peter 5:8)!

For me, I have seen the destruction that my rage and judgment responses to stress have caused in myself and in others. When it comes to lies, I am quick to believe that I am a failure who will always fail the people around me.

This often played out in how I led my team. Because I assumed I was going to fail them, I was constantly obsessed with making sure that I was a “good enough” leader for them. I would say things that made me sound good, even if it wasn’t the most helpful for them, and I would hide my mistakes and never own up to them. At home, I was always anxious and would replay conversations from the day to make sure that I hadn’t made a fool of myself or failed someone. And in the event that someone did not respond well to something I said, I would resent and judge them, unable to bear the shame that they didn’t agree with me. I couldn’t lead that way because I became so obsessed with myself and not focused on serving the people God had entrusted to me. Lies and sin patterns trap us into ugly cycles and are contrary to the heart of God and how He sees us.

It’s critical that we deeply know our value in Christ and that we fill our hearts with promises of Scripture that directly combat the lies. Here are some common examples of lies that cross cultural workers can tend to believe. While we may not say them out loud, in the secret spaces of our own hearts and minds, these words can wreak havoc on our souls. As you read these, ask yourself, “what are some sins patterns and lies that I am prone to believe? What are some Bible verses that I can memorize and return to in order to contradict these lies?” 

• I need to work hard for God or people to accept me. 
• God is distant and is displeased with me. No one sees what I do or cares.
• It’s all up to me.
• I’m a failure. This is too hard.
• No one can understand me. It’s better to keep my pain to myself. 

When it comes to identifying sin patterns, a good starting resource would be to look at Tim Keller’s work on identifying “core sins”. Every person will have 1-2 dominant core sins out of comfort, approval, control, and power. You can read more about this in his book, Counterfeit Gods. 

Learn how you hear from God and how to walk in the Holy Spirit

So if we are so susceptible to sin and stress, what hope do we have? We have the greatest hope of all — and his name is Jesus Christ! Jesus himself calls us to fulfill the Great Commission. He is our help and He loves us beyond what we could ever understand or return! But if we do not know how to interact with God daily, hourly, constantly, we will never be able to receive the resources that we need to persevere.

John 10:10 promises that Jesus is our Good Shepherd and that we, the sheep, know his voice. This is a dear promise to me because it means that we can interact with God. There is a pending blog post about how to listen to God, but here is a quick overview on how to hear from God: 

• Take time to listen during your quiet times and prayer times. Ask specific questions to God and trust him to direct your emotions and thoughts to the answers you need. Write down whatever the Lord brings up – it could be a verse, an image, an emotion or feeling, or a phrase. 
• Ensure that what you hear from God never contradicts Scripture. The Word of God is true and the Spirit will never contradict the Bible. 
• Bring the things you hear from God to your community and ask them if they, having the same Spirit as you, agree with what you heard from Him. Let them pray and listen on your behalf too. 
• Study the different ways that God speaks in the Bible. Start in the Gospels or in Acts and note down, “to whom is God speaking and by what method did he speak?” 

Remember the cornerstones of your calling

Every missionary reaches that point in their journey when the obstacles and suffering feel insurmountable, and we begin to wonder if we should just give up. To prepare for those valley moments, make it a regular habit to revisit the ways God originally called you and guided you to the mission field. Write down those key moments and Bible verses that brought you confidence as you began your missionary journey. 

In the months leading up to us launching towards Thailand, Steven asked God for some foundational verses for the vision of reaching Thailand. God gave Him all 5 Great Commission passages (Matthew 28:18-20, Mark 16:15, Luke 24:48, John 20:21, Acts 1:8), Isaiah 45:1-8, Psalm 2, and Revelation 7:9-10. He wrote those on the first page of his journal and has re-written them in every new journal since then, as a remembrance of what and how God has called him to give his life to.

As you continue to visit your own story, your own calling will serve as a cornerstone that reminds you of why you are attempting this audacious mission and who you are doing it for!

Implement Practical Applications and Tools

Here are some rhythms and habits that our teams have developed to help us stay emotionally and spiritually stable. With these tools, we are able to take a proactive stance against the attacks of the enemy and engage in ministry out of thriving, not just surviving.

Practice vulnerability

Living and doing ministry in a new culture can feel like one of the most exposing and uncomfortable experiences a person can go through. We encounter failure, embarrassment, and identity crises daily. A common response to this is to shut down completely and isolate from other people. Isolation is never the answer and only intensifies feelings of shame and loneliness. Although it feels painful and counter-intuitive, communicate honestly about your struggles and pain to God, and also to your team and community. Practice vulnerability by bringing people into the deep places of your heart and share about how you are really doing. If you are having a hard time, tell someone! If there’s an emotion or sin you’re wrestling with, bring it into the light with a trusted friend. Don’t try to hide and fix things on your own, but practice vulnerability in order to build real connections with others who will end up being your support, your cheerleaders, and your friends (1 John 1:5-10). 

On our team, we use a tool called an LTG (Life Transformation Group). An LTG is a small group of no more than 3 people who meet together for mutual accountability, confession, and prayer. It is a required rhythm of our team and has prevented many from walking down dangerous paths of hidden sins and secrecy. You can adapt the tool to your team context, but here is an easy step by step guide. 

Forgive and clear any accounts

One of the most dangerous traps that Satan sets for us is the temptation to hold onto offense and unforgiveness, until these feelings fester into bitterness that shape our entire perspective. Even if you only feel a hint of unforgiveness or resentment toward a teammate, ministry partner, or national friend, I urge you to bring that into the light immediately. Tell your accountability partner. Confess it to your team leader. Repent of your unforgiveness and ask God to give you the courage to forgive, and to give you the power to do so. If necessary, have an honest conversation with the person you are struggling to reconcile with and clear the air on any remaining assumptions. 

A good tool to use for peacemaking conversations is called the 4 G’s. This provides a Biblical framework for discussion that everyone can follow, and can provide some guardrails for the especially touchy situations.

Stay curious and reflective

With the constant chaos of life on the field, it can be very difficult to find the time to process and gain an understanding on how we are actually feeling and doing. You may find that this is the case for you when someone asks you, “how are you,” and you struggle to find an answer. Stay curious about how you are doing at any moment and learn to ask yourself “why” often, especially around any emotional responses. Oftentimes, emotions are a signpost to something going on deeper in your heart. It is okay to feel them! If you have a hard time articulating emotions, use this helpful emotions wheel below!

For example, on days that I am particularly snappy with Steven, I need to take a breath and ask myself, “why are you being so harsh, Jenn?” And a few moments of self reflection can be extremely revealing — maybe I was feeling insecure and competitive, or just running on 5 hours of sleep and needed a nap.

A tool that we use is called the Daily Examen. It’s a series of questions that we ask ourselves at the end of each day to help us understand the progression of our day and the different emotions that we experienced. And then we bring those reflections to God, to see what lessons he might have for us in those experiences. As we strengthen our ability to self-reflect and know our own motivations, we will be able to anticipate and navigate stressful situations while interacting honestly with ourselves, other people, and with God.

Don’t Neglect Rest

Although the task is vast and worth our entire lives, we must be able to entrust the ministry and work to God, and we must take breaks and rest regularly during at least a weekly Sabbath day. We cannot serve others when we are constantly running on empty. We encourage our teams to take a weekly Sabbath to reset – spend time worshipping Jesus and reading the Bible, receive joy from restorative activities, process and plan forward, or just sleep without guilt. I would also challenge you to consider rhythms beyond just a Sabbath — for example, regular community prayer or monthly personal days for prayer and reflection.

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While it may feel overwhelming to begin working your way down this heart checklist, I want to encourage you that no one can do all of these things perfectly and that these are rhythms and habits that will continue to build over time. You’ll find from trial and error which of these things are most helpful to you, or you might end up writing up your own list of activities that help build emotional and spiritual thriving!

As leaders, we have gone through countless emotional crises and conflicts, both personally and with our teammates. We often felt overwhelmed and had no idea what to do. Over time, helpful friends and mentors gave us some of these tools and checklists to use to examine our hearts, and they have been immensely helpful. But it was Jesus’ power and presence that met us in these situations. Remembering His promises and character gave us the foundation to keep persevering and, over time, create the emotional resilience to endure the stressors of cross-cultural life and ministry.