In this post, we’ll talk about reasons why ethnocentrism can be extremely damaging to your vision to multiply, and practical ways to address ethnocentrism.

Do I Have to be the Main Character?

As we mentioned in the first post, many past and even current missionaries can possess an ethnocentric or paternalistic view when they go to the field, perhaps without realizing it. Paternalism is the assumption that missionaries have superior knowledge, experience, and skills than local Christians and exert control over the local church and ministries. This can lead to a variety of issues that keep the ministry from bearing fruit that we’ll explore further in this post.

Part of this paternalistic/ethnocentric view that we as Western missionaries carry is the belief that we should be the “main character” in the ministry. Westerners have a higher cultural value of individualism, which emphasizes their own goals, rights, and decisions. It’s a deeply personal thing to feel called to the mission field, and most missionaries are very aware of the lack of access to the gospel in the fields where they serve. So naturally, we feel and envision that we are the ones responsible for bringing the gospel to these needy people and lands of darkness. We buy into the myth of the “Western savior” that is the hope and light for the unreached.

It’s an awesome privilege to be called to serve among the unreached. We know missionaries sacrifice much to respond to this calling out of many good motivations.

But Jesus is the Savior of the world, not us.

We get to be his ambassadors and get to join with him in the great work of seeing all peoples worship Jesus. God is moving and working in the countries where we are sent, likely through local or near-culture believers in that country or in the region.

We believe the most effective role for the majority of cross-cultural missionaries is to play a Barnabas role – empowering, coaching, and supporting local believers to multiply. In our view, this applies even beyond CPM ministry but to many other types of ministries, whether orphan care, theological education, or justice ministries. Western paternalism in missions has almost always led to negative consequences or at least non-lasting ministries, and we believe it grieves the Lord to see these same mistakes repeated over and over again.

Being the “main character” or having a Western savior perspective is one of the main barriers that keeps missionaries from having their most effective role as a Barnabas, therefore sabotaging their opportunity to be a part of what God is doing.

Baptism Through Binoculars

When we were first learning about movements, we kept hearing about this outsider role of being a Barnabas. It was a difficult mental shift to go from, “I’m going to be the one sharing, leading, and baptizing,” to “I am going to support local believers from the background.”

It’s not that movement practitioners don’t share and disciple – we absolutely do. We must be in the harvest, both out of obedience and to have the credibility to train others.

But we have to understand that our main effectiveness will be in serving and coaching local believers. As we investigated movements, we looked at about 50 case studies of how they started across the world. In nearly all of them, the outsider was partnering with a local or near-culture believer to catalyze multiplication. It was hard to argue with the pattern: if we wanted to see multiplication, this was the role we needed to play.

One story we heard from a movement practitioner really drove home the simultaneous sacrifice and joy of being a Barnabas. This practitioner served in a Muslim context with high persecution. If local Muslims that were interested in learning about Jesus were seen meeting with this white, American, Christian missionary, it would draw the attention of local Muslims and result in significant persecution.

So the outsider practitioner met with a few local, near-culture believers in a more neutral context and cast vision for multiplication, trained them in Biblical principles and practical tools, and encouraged them to go into these local Muslim villages where they would draw much less attention than he did, while coaching them from afar.

As these local believers began sharing and starting groups, he heard the reports and rejoiced but never got to meet the new believers face to face that he had indirectly invested in, prayed for, and loved deeply.

When it came time to baptize many of the new believers in the ocean, his local partner shared with him the time and place but told him, “Please don’t come to the baptism or it will attract unnecessary attention.” Instead, he got a boat about a mile down from the location of the baptism, and through binoculars, wept as he witnessed the celebration of new life among an unreached people group that he would not meet personally until heaven.

Are we willing to make this sacrifice? To take a background role in order that more people would hear and receive the gospel? 

To not be the main character?

How Ethnocentrism Will Sabotage Your Vision To Multiply

We believe that ethnocentrism can directly undermine your vision to multiply. We specifically chose the word “sabotage” because ethnocentrism is often a blind spot for workers, unlike more obvious challenges like team conflict or lack of funding.

These are some ways that ethnocentrism and paternalism can be a major barrier in your ministry:

Judgmental and Bitter Hearts: If our understanding of right and wrong, better and worse is based on our cultural perspective, many things in our host country will feel difficult. Over time, this can result in bitterness and a critical, judgmental spirit. We start to see all the ways that things can’t work in our country, that the people cannot be trusted. Those that don’t address ethnocentrism and bitterness in their hearts will often leave the field early, or start to withdraw into a cloistered missionary community where they do not interact with local people at all. For those that manage to grit it out, they will fail to thrive and eventually run out of motivation to serve.

Lack of Contextualization → Lack of Efficacy: If we believe that our cultural interpretations and expressions of obeying the Word and making disciples are the correct ones, we won’t look for contextualized expressions that might be more effective where we serve. This can apply to every aspect of ministry, from interpreting the Word, sharing the gospel, and ways that we worship. Using non-contextualized tools may attract people who are interested in our culture, but it will be difficult for them to apply tools from our context and multiply with them. We repeatedly see outsider trainers try to use a Western-created, non-contextualized training who are then bewildered when nothing works in a new context because they haven’t consulted a single local believer.

We met with the leaders of a globally well-known ministry in Thailand and asked them about their evangelism method. They told us that they shared using their organization’s tool (developed in the West) over 10,000 times in a year! But at the end of the year, it resulted in 10-15 consistent disciples joining their church. Just 0.1% of those they shared with stuck! We commended their amazing faithfulness and boldness but lamented the lack of willingness to try a more contextualized tool that might be more effective. 

Not Releasing Authority to Local Leaders: Many people understand using contextualized tools for greater effectiveness in ministry, but they still apply their ethnocentric values in evaluating local leaders. Without releasing authority to local leaders, the ministry can never fully indigenize and multiply further.

For example, in the West we might prioritize cultural values of leadership like being well-spoken, direct, and assertive. In Asia, leadership might be expressed by being more reserved, slow to speak, and having the final word. Neither of these cultural lenses are wrong, and they make sense within their own culture.

The problem is when outside missionaries, with a paternalistic approach that exerts control over local churches and ministries, fail to release authority and leadership to local leaders because of their own cultural biases. Emerging leaders may not look the same as leaders in the West, and we assume that we know best and that local leaders cannot yet be trusted. Out of a desire to make sure things are done “correctly,” we miss the opportunity to trust the Holy Spirit, empower local believers to take ownership, and encourage them to apply biblical principles in their own culture.

Overdependence on Outside Leaders and Money: Through a paternalistic perspective, we can assume that Western theology, curriculum, and resources are needed to help the struggling church among the unreached. We inadvertently create dependencies on outside leaders and resources that limit the local church and leaders from indigenizing and multiplying. 

When Helping Hurts is a well-known example of how a good desire of helping the poor by giving financial resources is actually damaging to the local people by creating over-dependency on Western resources. This type of “helping” happens across many types of ministries all over the world.

In consulting with experienced movement coaches, overreliance on outside money is a major barrier in catalyzing the multiplication of churches and disciples. Money brings different motivations and commitments, and we’ve heard of repeated instances of local partners who are driven by a salary and not a calling to make disciples. This can result in misreporting ministry results, an unwillingness to confront bad decisions from outsiders, and sometimes even direct deception in order to receive money.

There can be integrous and truly helpful ways to support disciple-making efforts among the unreached, but outsider practitioners should be very careful, thoughtful, and prayerful about anything involving outside money.

Ethnocentrism on Multicultural Teams: Increasingly, missions teams have team members from multiple different cultures and countries. They will bring in different values, communication styles, and preferences as individuals and from their cultural background.

If team leaders and team members aren’t aware of the cultural differences and have an ethnocentric view, this can lead to major conflicts that distracts you from your vision and can lead to teams fracturing. One resource for this specific situation of multi-cultural teams is Teamwork Cross-Culturally.

Barnabas Role without a Barnabas Heart: Lastly, simply playing the role of a Barnabas to train and coach local believers as an outsider does not necessarily mean that practitioners understand their own ethnocentrism. They may be trainers and coaches, but still inherently mistrust or condescend to local believers. We believe a Barnabas heart is critical to playing an effective Barnabas role. Local believers can easily tell when we are looking down on them or just see them as a means to an end. Lack of true relationship with your local partners leads to a lack of buy-in and ownership in the vision.

How to Address Ethnocentrism

Addressing ethnocentrism doesn’t require perfect understanding of varying cultures. Our job is not to decide what in the culture is right and wrong. But what is necessary is to posture ourselves in ways that directly offset ethnocentric thinking – namely as a learner with a humble heart of love.

Have a Heart of Humility and Love 

The primary way to combat ethnocentrism is modeled for us by Jesus himself! Jesus left the culture of heaven to live among and serve sinful humanity. Here is what Philippians 2 says about his heart posture: 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
    even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name…

Philippians 2:3-9

Many times, we experience feelings of offense, fear, or superiority when confronted with other cultures. These reactions are mitigated when we try to embody Christ’s heart of love and humility that considers others higher than ourselves. We are one in Christ and equal in the Kingdom with our brothers and sisters across the world. And the same Holy Spirit that works in us is also working in them! 

When we remember these things and seek to serve out of Christ’s love and humility, it becomes easier to both love the lost and to trust local believers. From there, a Barnabas partnership becomes a natural outflow of our ministry rather than feeling like a sacrifice.

Understanding our Ethnic Boundaries

Learning about our own ethnocentrism can be an overwhelming experience, as our ethnic identity is also closely tied to our personal identity, and it can be difficult to know the difference.

Alvin Sanders describes ethnic borders as “cultural traits that define our ethnic identity for ourselves and others.” He points out that people who come from the majority culture in their home country often haven’t had to think much about these borders because they naturally fit within them.

Most missionaries understand they’ll need to learn a new culture when they arrive in another country. But often that learning stays at the surface level – food, customs, language, and etiquette. What many missionaries haven’t yet wrestled with is how deeply their own cultural values and ethnic borders shape the way they see right and wrong. Without realizing it, they continue interpreting the world through their own cultural framework instead of learning to understand the perspective of their host culture.

There’s grace for us even if we are at the beginning of our journey of learning our own ethnic borders and those of our host country! Our encouragement is to take things one step at a time, with a heart of openness and humility.

One culture is not better or worse than another. Every people group is created ultimately in God’s image. And there are aspects of every culture that are marred by sin. We need the Word and the Holy Spirit to help us in this process of learning to live and serve across cultures.Alvin Sanders’ book, Bridging the Diversity Gap gives an outline of addressing your own heart to align with the Bible, learning about cultural dynamics, and then applying practical changes.

Discovering Cultural Values

One way to learn is from studying cultural values across different countries and cultures, including our own. There are several different frameworks for this, many of which had their origins in Hofstede’s cultural dimensions theory. A resource specific for missions leaders would be from Livermore’s Leading with Cultural Intelligence, where Chapter 5 lists out 10 different cultural value dimensions like individualism vs. collectivism, power distance, low and high context. Although it’s a broad estimation, this book also shows how different regions of the world align with different cultural values.

One of the most difficult cultural values to navigate for Westerners can be low and high context, or direct and indirect communication. We had encouraged our teammates in our first term to be willing to learn and be flexible in interacting with local believers, but hadn’t given them much training on direct and indirect communication. I asked one teammate how their weekend was, and they said, “Yeah it was good but crazy. I got invited to one thing after church, and I just kept saying yes, and 12 hours later I was in someone’s home in another province!” As he described what happened, I realized that my teammate did a great job in being flexible and willing to learn, but hadn’t recognized that many of the invitations were simply being polite and indirectly they were not actually inviting him to go! 

Learning about your own and the host culture’s values can be a good, basic introduction to the differences between what you are used to and what the norms are in your host country. It can also be illuminating that people around the world have very different perspectives than our own – a key step in unraveling our ethnocentrism!

Be a Learner

When our team first landed in Thailand, we spent time brainstorming questions that we wanted to ask local Thai people, Thai believers, and Thai pastors. We set goals to ask these questions regularly in our day-to-day conversations and we wrote down our learnings into weekly reports. Through these informal surveys, we were able to generally learn about Thai motivations, values, concerns, and stressors, and even things like types of humor! Almost every answer revealed to us a vastly different perspective from our Western cultural lens. (The more formal version of these would be ethnographic interviews, if you’d like to dive deeper.)

When asking questions, try to stay open-minded with zero assumptions about what someone might say. In the moment of conversation, do your best to downplay any immediate judgment or emotional responses that might stem from your own cultural biases; these responses may actually be indicators to press in and learn more. Strive to listen well and not just wait for your next turn to speak, and continually be curious. Instead of jumping to conclusions, build the habit of asking “why.” And write down what you learn!
Even with a basic understanding of ethnocentrism, we still struggled many times figuring out a different culture and not being judgmental! Many of our ethnocentric values are so deeply ingrained that sometimes we cannot help our reactions and judgments. Something we learned from our pre-field cross-cultural training was the phrase, “It’s not wrong, it’s just different.” That phrase has been invaluable, especially when it feels like we are at a cultural impasse that can never be crossed. God is the one who judges what’s right or wrong. But we can embrace that differences exist and seek to understand them.

We’d also encourage you to be a learner in many different ways. Try to take in content from authors, writers, creators from a different background. Read books, watch movies, take in art made by people from different cultures. Ask your friends if they can bring you to different cultural traditions and festivals like holiday celebrations, weddings, funerals, etc. Go to museums and learn about history, traditions, and art. 

One of the biggest cultural experiences is in food! We learned from an Asian pastor how critical it is to be willing to “eat what is set before you.” He told us, “Most cultures share food around the table. If you can’t enter the table because of unwillingness to try different and sometimes strange foods, you can’t enter into the culture. If you can’t enter into the culture, you can’t enter into relationships.” Try every food offered to you at least once!

Lastly, learn the language. Too many missionaries today are overly focused on quick results and bypass learning language to work through translators. Taking the time to learn the language forces you to humble yourself and greatly improves your understanding of the culture. Learn language!

Being a curious, respectful learner will take you 80% of the way there. It requires the humility to say, “My cultural experience is not the only way and is not always the right way.”

Every Tribe, Tongue, and Nation

Deconstructing our ethnocentrism and learning another culture’s values can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Our desire in these two blog posts is not to make missionaries feel guilty or helpless, but to bring to the surface a potentially crippling obstacle that many are not even aware of.

We can’t change overnight. But if we take small steps in humbling ourselves and trying to be a learner, those things will compound and help you pursue the vision that God has given you in a Christ-like, culturally intelligent way. Local friends will notice your willingness and heart to learn and will give you a lot of grace even when you do make cultural missteps.

I think about the practitioner that witnessed baptisms through binoculars often. It is a sacrifice to be sure. But imagine the joy, when we reach the throne of God with all the nations in Revelation 7, clothed in white robes, when we meet those that we have prayed for, that we have indirectly invested in, that we have wept for. To see the fruition of the small sacrifice we made to lay down our ethnocentrism, to not be the main character in order that many would receive new life. 

That joy will last for eternity.

After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.

Revelation 7:9

“You can’t work with the Thai church.”

“They’re lazy, they don’t show up on time, and they lie to you by saying they’ll do something and then not do it.”

This was the repeated sentiment we heard from experienced missionaries during our early years in Thailand. We had learned that most CPMs are started by in/near culture believers, so we wanted to find Thai believers with a vision for multiplying disciples.

We sought out long-time workers in Thailand to learn how to approach this. But over and over, we heard: don’t even try. It won’t work. It’s too hard. Just do it yourself.

At the same time, we began visiting local Thai churches that seemed to carry a vision for disciple-making and church planting. We met vibrant, growing, Thai-led churches with goals like planting 100 churches or starting groups in every province in their region. And to our surprise, they warmly welcomed us to learn from them and partner together.

Over the last 12 years on the field, we’ve continued to hear that working with the local church is too difficult for cross-cultural missionaries — not just in Thailand, but in many places around the world. Yet by God’s grace, our experience has been marked by deep partnership and friendship with our Thai brothers and sisters. We also know many CPM practitioners who feel the same way, some even brought to tears when speaking about their local partners and friends.

So why is there such a massive gap between these experiences? Why do some cross-cultural workers grow skeptical or even bitter toward local believers, while others develop rich, life-giving relationships?

We believe one big reason lies with ethnocentrism. It’s one of the most sinister and destructive barriers for cross-cultural workers that sabotages their desire to have an impact among the fields they’re called to.

It affects not only their relationship with local believers, but their relationship with the local culture, their thriving on the field, and ultimately their long-term perseverance in their calling. 

In this post, we’ll look at what ethnocentrism is, how the Bible addresses it, and ways we can reflect on our own ethnocentrism. In our next post, we’ll discuss how ethnocentrism affects your vision and practical ways you can combat it.

What is Ethnocentrism?

Ethnocentrism is defined as “the tendency to evaluate other cultures based on the standards and values of one’s own culture, often leading to perceptions of superiority.”

When a goer moves overseas, it’s an extremely jarring experience. The language, climate, foods, traditions, expectations, and social dynamics can be completely different from the place you grew up. For many goers, there can be an initial honeymoon phase where they’re excited to learn and experience many new things. But after a few months, the ongoing feelings of confusion, of homesickness, of not fitting in can start to impact you. You get tired of being stared at on the street, being laughed at when you try to speak the local language, and you just want a dang burger instead of this funky tasting mystery meat.

Thoughts of judgment and criticism start creeping in:

“Why can’t they just do it the way we do it at home? It’s so much better that way.” 

“Why are people here so dishonest? Why can’t they just tell it to me straight?”

“Why is this thing so weird? Why can’t it just be normal?”

All missionaries have had thoughts like these, including myself and those on our team. Naturally, in an attempt to assuage the confusion we experience, we begin to measure things in our host culture against our home culture. The criticisms that we heard from experienced missionaries in Thailand assumed that certain cultural values in the West, like being hard-working, punctual, and communicating directly, are the cultural standards in Thailand. They aren’t! But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Without an understanding of ethnocentrism, cross-cultural workers can become frustrated, bitter, and judgmental against the very culture and people they came to serve. And unfortunately, it’s not just an early season culture shock thing for many people. We’ve met several decade-plus missionaries who still say things like, “I honestly hate everything about this country but I guess we’re supposed to be here.”

Dr. Craig Ott in Teaching and Learning Across Cultures writes that “ethnocentrism not only can blind one to the beauty of other cultures but can also lead to condescending attitudes that block meaningful relationships with others and the ability to learn from them. In the worst case, it can foster racism and prejudice.”

The Lawnmower

In a pre-field cultural training that Jenn and I attended, the facilitator explained that the different places we were going to would have different cultural values and to be wary of ethnocentrism. To illustrate this, he told a story of his time in Indonesia where a neighbor asked to borrow a lawnmower. But after the neighbor used it, he kept the lawnmower in his own garage. After a couple of weeks, the facilitator, somewhat annoyed, finally asked the neighbor for his lawnmower back.

The neighbor said, “Of course!” When the facilitator asked the neighbor why he had not returned his lawnmower several weeks after using it, the neighbor explained, “In our culture, since we are part of the same neighborhood, it means we are part of the same community. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine! I was just keeping the lawnmower in my garage until you needed it back, but you could have asked for it anytime!”

The facilitator posed a question to the group of future missionaries: did my neighbor steal my lawnmower? Jenn and I looked at each other and both thought – “of course not, the neighbor was just explaining communal culture. The facilitator even just explicitly said so.”

But the entire class answered in an uproar: “Yes! He stole it! He should’ve given it back immediately because it’s your personal property!” Some even aggressively contended that the facilitator should have called the police on the neighbor for theft.

We were shocked. Not only that the explicitly explained difference in cultural values went over everyone’s head, but also at the anger and disbelief that was in the response.

As we’ve reflected on this interaction, we’ve realized that the angry energy in the class’ response was because they had made a cultural misunderstanding into a moral issue. It was morally wrong that the neighbor did not return the lawnmower because of Americans’ high value of individuality and personal ownership. But the neighbor did not see it that way at all because of his own more collectivist cultural lens.

The lawnmower is a somewhat trivial example, but still such a small issue resulted in such a strong response from the group. We have seen missionaries, including ourselves, make this ethnocentric mistake in much higher stakes situations. We do this in how we train and model expressions of church, how we discuss theology, how we choose leaders, how we evaluate moral and discipleship issues. We measure local believers against our cultural interpretation of Scripture, instead of looking at how Scripture speaks into the local context.

Ethnocentrism and Paternalism in Missions History

There are countless examples of ethnocentrism, paternalism, and even cultural imperialism throughout missions history. Entire books, courses, and degree programs have been devoted to these topics, so we won’t try to cover them in depth here.

But we do want to briefly acknowledge how the painful parts of missions history can compound the problems that come with ethnocentrism today. We’re also troubled by how many workers are unaware of the historical dynamics in the places they serve, and how often the same mistakes continue to be repeated.

Paternalism “occurs when missionaries and their sending churches and agencies consciously or unconsciously assume that they possess superior knowledge, experience, and skills and, consequently, exert control over local Christians and their leaders. This control is almost always exerted through financial arrangements and the implicit authority of money.”

Missions history is littered with examples of paternalism, racism, and cultural imperialism (the imposition by a dominant community of its own culture onto another community) that led to destructive consequences for the name of Jesus around the world. In the most extreme cases, some missionaries had a view that they were not only bringing the gospel, but Western civilization to the “savage” or “heathens” in other parts of the world. They viewed non-Western cultures and peoples as inferior, and thought that planting churches meant dismantling the local culture. Is it any wonder that in many unreached places in the world, Christianity has a negative reputation and is seen as a Western, foreign religion?

Missionaries today need to be aware of what previous generations of workers have done, both good and bad, and in some cases, explicitly acknowledge the negative impact that has come with paternalism and imperialism. It’s especially important for those of us from the West to guard against a “Western savior complex” – the assumption that we are coming to rescue people who are helpless without us. Jesus is the Savior, not us. We should be aware of where he is working and join in that, which often is through the existing local church!

How the Bible Addresses Ethnocentrism

One of my favorite Bible studies is comparing and contrasting Jesus’ interactions with Gentiles and with Jewish religious leaders. I might post a blog on this topic in the future but I’d encourage you to study this if you haven’t!

The story of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:25-37 is the clearest example of how Jesus addresses ethnocentrism. When challenged by a lawyer about how to inherit eternal life, Jesus answers with the Great Commandment: love God and love your neighbor. And the lawyer, perhaps looking for a loophole to focus his “love” on those he prefers, replies, “who is my neighbor?”

And Jesus tells of a man beaten and left for dead, passed on by supposedly holy leaders, a priest and a Levite. But a Samaritan – avoided, judged, hated by the Jews – showed compassion to the man, cared for him, sacrificed his own resources, and showed mercy. The ultimate example of obedience to the Great Commandment was a person not just from a different culture, but a culture that the Jews hated.

Jesus’ example is love, humility, and compassion towards those from different cultures. He left heaven’s culture to walk on the earth as a Jewish man and make a way for all cultures to receive grace through the Cross. He condemns and rejects ethnocentrism by declaring God’s heart for all nations and explicitly showing his love towards non-Jewish people. The gospels are full of examples of this: the salvation for the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4), the grace for the Syrophoenician woman (Mark 7), the faith of the Roman centurion to name just a few.

Paul also embodies an anti-ethnocentric posture: “I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings” (1 Cor. 9:22-23). He is willing to lay down his own values, preferences, and even rights to be a minister to the Gentiles.

Scripture culminates in Revelation 7, perhaps the most anti-ethnocentric passage in the Bible, where the multitude from every nation, tribe, people, and language is worshipping around the throne of God. There is no higher or lower culture, no better or worse cultural values – there are only the people rescued by Jesus clothed in white robes. And yet, the peoples still preserve their cultural identity – representatives from every culture are in the new heaven and the new earth but redeemed perfectly.

Reflection: Have I Been Ethnocentric?

If we are honest with ourselves for a moment, whether from our upbringing, personal experiences, or plain ignorance, there are people from other cultures that we instinctively judge, feel superior to, dislike, or even hate. We know missionaries that will travel half the world away to serve another culture but speak disparagingly and condescendingly about people of another skin color in a different part of their own hometown.

I was brought up to ignorantly fear black people and hate Japanese people for what they did historically in China, and believe that ethnic Chinese people were somehow superior to all others. I’ve had bitterness in my heart from racist experiences with white people. It took years of seeing God’s heart in Scripture and repenting, befriending people from different cultures, learning different perspectives, and even living in another country to unlearn these prejudices from my upbringing and my sinful heart.

Reflecting on our own ethnocentrism can be challenging because our cultural values are deeply tied to our cultural identity and therefore our personal identity. It also requires us to be honest with our own motivations in serving overseas. It can be overwhelming to discover and admit pride, sin, or a sense of superiority towards other cultures, perhaps even the people God has called us to serve.

Our encouragement is this – honest reflection about our ethnocentrism is necessary and it is worth doing. At best, we have some blind spots that can be removed to help us be more loving and effective in our calling. At worst, there are some deeply rooted and sinful perspectives that we didn’t even know we had and they are directly sabotaging what we are trying to accomplish in serving across cultures.

The good news of the gospel is that Jesus knows our hearts and loves us, even if we aren’t aware of these sins or haven’t reconciled them yet.

As you reflect on the questions below, try to come before God with openness, honesty, and humility. Come in a posture of surrender and repentance. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal hidden assumptions, pride, fear, or bitterness in your heart. Allow God to heal and change your heart! From that, we believe you will not only become a greater servant to the people you’re called to, but become more like Christ in his love for all peoples.

Reflection Questions

• What kinds of people or behaviors are you quickest to judge? What standards are you using to judge them?
• Are there ways you subtly view local believers as less capable, less mature, or less trustworthy than believers from your own culture? How do you react when local believers do something differently than you would?
• Have past wounds, stereotypes, or experiences shaped the way you see certain cultures or ethnicities?
• In what ways might pride, superiority, control, or a “savior mentality” be affecting your ministry?
• Where are you failing to have the Philippians 2 posture of considering others more significant than yourself?

In this episode, Jenn and Cynthia discuss how perseverance in both times of crisis and in day-to-day obedience is essential to seeing movements. They share personal testimonies of surrender in times of suffering, and discuss practical ways for how to keep going when the work feels like an uphill battle.

Jenn and I (Steven) leading together got off to a rough start.

One of the first things we did as a couple in ministry, before we were even married, was attend a support raising bootcamp with our Thailand team members. At the time, our team was both of us, four of my best friends growing up, and one single gal from Alabama who went through the same pre-field goer training as us and had a heart to serve in Thailand.

We had all just quit our jobs and were ready to start support raising – our launch to Thailand was about one year out. I borrowed my parent’s minivan and drove our team up from Austin, Texas to Dallas where the boot camp was being held. We were picking up our new teammate Kate* (name changed for security purposes) from the airport before heading to the support raising training. As we were entering the airport, I said, “Hey guys, this is our first time meeting Kate in person. Let’s try to keep the inside jokes to a minimum and make her feel as welcome as possible.” Everyone nodded their heads in agreement.

Before we had even left the airport, two of my friends had started to record a homemade rap video while wearing Jenn’s leopard-print jacket for no particular reason. Leader instruction #1 – failed.

Later that day, as we were getting settled in a friend’s house, Jenn and I started to argue about something. Kate and Jenn were sharing a room since Jenn and I weren’t married yet, and as our argument escalated, I could feel Kate continually shrinking into the corner, trying her best not to be noticed.

As the conflict was rising to a climax, an intrusive thought popped into my head that I knew would really send Jenn over the edge. Unfortunately, but hilariously, it made its way through my brain filter and out of my mouth.

“Just remember who your boss is,” I quipped at Jenn. I closed the door behind me smiling to myself and knowing that I would pay for that comment later.

I learned later that I narrowly avoided the pair of pants that were hurtling towards my head.

“Men! Can you believe him?!” Jenn said to Kate, who was now almost merged with the wall.

Welcome to the team, Kate.

And welcome to co-leadership, Jenn and Steven.

When we tell you that it’s a miracle that God has brought us this far in our marriage and co-leadership, it’s stories like this that affirm that reality! And Kate ended up marrying one of my friends on the team and they are still serving on the field today.

In our previous posts, we covered why it’s important that men and women lead together on missions teams, and some of thepractical guidelines for how they can do that effectively. We kept those more general towards men and women because we believe men and women leadership teams don’t have to be exclusively between husbands and wives. However, many of those co-leadership teams will end up being married couples. If that’s your situation, then this post is for you!

The story above is meant to illustrate how confusing, convoluted, and contentious co-leadership on missions teams can be for husbands and wives and also for their teams, organizations, and ministry partners. But if it can be done well, it can be a rich reflection of Christ and the church, as a husband and wife walk together in leadership and ministry.

Why It Makes Sense for Husbands and Wives to Serve and Lead Together

In our experience, a calling overseas is different from most ministry callings in your home context. When Jenn and I lived in the U.S., we had separate ministries. We invested in different people, rarely overlapped, and were supportive of one another without being directly involved in each other’s work.

Overseas, we’ve found that both husband and wife need to share the same level of calling and commitment to the vision, regardless of their specific role or ministry activity. It’s much harder for one spouse to say, “This is my spouse’s calling, and I’ll just support them,” because simply living cross-culturally requires significant sacrifice. Even when one spouse is primarily focused on the home or family, their commitment to the vision needs to be just as strong in order to persevere through the challenges of life on the field.

Ministry overseas – especially movement-focused ministry – can also be all-encompassing. It’s not a typical 9–5 job that you can leave behind when you go home. If you’re focused on multiplying disciples, you may have people in your home regularly or a demanding travel schedule to visit key partners. Because the boundaries between work and home are less clear, husbands and wives need to have clarity and be aligned around both life and ministry.

When we’ve seen unequal commitment between spouses, it often leads to disunity, competition between family and ministry, and potentially resentment that results in leaving the field.

When both spouses share the same calling and level of commitment, working together toward the vision can make a lot of sense. It requires a lot of communication and figuring things out, some of which we laid out in our previous post about men and women and some other things for husbands and wives in this post.

Our recommendation for married couples overseas is that both spouses should have the same level of calling and commitment to the vision, regardless of role. If that shared vision is present, then we’d encourage husbands and wives to discuss what it looks like to work together if both desire to have a role in ministry.

The last category is for husbands and wives that are interested in leading together. We’d give a strong exhortation that couples should only lead together in a ministry setting or missions team if both spouses are genuinely called and gifted for leadership. We define a leader as “a man or woman who receives vision from God to influence the people of God towards the purposes of God.”

Elevating a spouse into co-leadership without a leadership calling and gifting can undermine the other spouse’s credibility and place unnecessary pressure on the one who isn’t called to lead. A non-leader spouse can still play a powerful role as a supporter and sounding board. But when both spouses are truly called to leadership and find healthy ways to lead together, it can be a beautiful and effective partnership.

Best Practices for Husbands and Wives Leading Together

We’d highly recommend that married couples that want to lead together overseas work through the 5 categories in our last post – commitment, communication, conflict, clearing the path, and collaborative giftings. These are critical components for any men/women co-leaders but especially for husbands and wives. Below we have a few additional best practices specific to married couples.

We don’t yet have children and won’t try to speak on that dynamic, though we understand it adds complexity and challenge for husbands and wives that desire to lead together. However, we have seen married couples on the field learn to lead together in the ministry and the home simultaneously. Jenn recently recorded a podcast with Jesse and Shanee Snodgrass who host the Coworkers Podcast on this topic and we’ll link it here when it’s live!

Working Styles

Married couples leading together should learn to understand each other’s working styles. When we first started working and leading together, Jenn frequently thought that I (Steven) was frustrated with her or thought that I was unhappy with her work. One day she asked me, “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No – why would you think that?” I asked.

“Because whenever we’re talking about ministry or team things, you seem to be a lot more stern or short with me.”

We realized that Jenn had not really encountered “working mode” Steven before. I had to apologize and explain that when I’m working, I can be more intense and move faster out of a desire to focus and get things done. She had been used to me more in dating / companionship mode where I was a lot more attentive in listening, gentler, and more laid-back. I had to be more cognizant of being gentler with my words and overall attitude, and Jenn had to learn not to take my intensity personally.

There were several other aspects of our working styles that came up that we had to discuss and pursue clarity on. For example, I was much more detailed and more of a planner, and Jenn was less-detailed and prioritized finishing things quickly. We also had to be careful to understand that our working styles didn’t necessarily translate over to our relationship dynamics. Just because I preferred to plan in ministry and working topics didn’t mean that I wanted to plan every aspect of our date nights or household chores.

We learned to either offer or ask, “what hat are you wearing right now?” For example, I might be talking about our schedule for the week, but Jenn would be unclear if it was Steven the team and ministry leader talking, or Steven her husband talking. I would need to clarify that we were planning for the ministry schedule for the week, and after that was cleared we could set aside time to discuss personal things. Of course, it’s not always that clear and people are complicated, but pursuing clarity in your working styles can help husband and wife teams operate more smoothly.

Boundaries

For couples working and leading together, setting some boundaries will be helpful in preserving both your working relationship and marriage relationship. Some couples may have very integrated personal and working lives, whereas others might have stronger boundaries and more organization. Find out what works for you! Jenn and I (Steven) tend to be pretty interwoven in how we interact, but we did set some boundaries like not talking about work on date nights, or not talking about work 30 minutes before bedtime or after waking up. Some couples we know will have very clear delineations about not talking through personal issues during the workday, and not talking about work things during personal times. Others may set a weekly check-in to talk through work logistics.

Another boundary that we set early on was to not have conflict in front of team members when possible, and to speak as highly of each other as we could even if we were having a conflict. During our first year on the field, it felt like every time right before we would lead a team meeting, we would enter into a conflict without fail. But as we arrived at the meeting, we would say, “let’s put a pin in this.” It was our way of agreeing that the conflict was not resolved yet but we were both committed to discussing it later, and that we both needed to take a moment to let our emotions die down and focus on the current priority of leading the meeting or ministry activity.

It will take some time and trial to figure out what dynamic works for both the husband and wife. It’s important to be honest about your needs and preferences, but also to try your best to take on a Philippians 2 posture of putting others higher than ourselves. At some times, one or both of you might feel like you want to give up, that it’s too hard to figure it out. Our encouragement is that if this is something you’ve felt the Lord guiding you towards and something you both desire, it is worth the hard work of wading through the mess to learn how to work together with your best friend and lifetime companion!

Pursuing Clarity

While it can be a joy to lead with your spouse, adding another role into an already existing dynamic of husband and wife brings up a lot of questions. While some of these questions may feel uncomfortable, we encourage you to engage wholeheartedly with all of them until you reach a point of clarity and agreement. Otherwise, your working together will be seeped in conflict and misunderstanding. Based on our experience, here are some areas where couples who work and lead together need to be on the same page.

Theological Clarity – Early in our marriage, I (Jenn) had a deep fear of being the type of domineering woman Paul calls out in 1 Timothy 2. We had learned about marriage roles where the husband is the head of the family and wives were called to submit. But how did the husband’s headship over the family apply to our dynamic of working and leading together? We had to do the work of searching the scriptures, praying, seeking counsel from wise voices, and dialoguing with one another to figure out what we truly believed. 

Reaching theological clarity together is critical to ensuring that your marriage and ministry are in line with what God is calling you to do. Some questions to consider are: 

• What does the Bible say about the role of husbands and wives? How are they to relate to one another? How are they to relate to people in ministry?
• What does the Bible say about men and women in leadership? What leadership roles are available to women and to men? 
• What does the Bible say about men and women working together in ministry? 

After studying the Word and discussing with Steven, I felt freedom and confidence that I could step into a role of leadership without fear of disobeying the Bible.

Role Clarity – Once you are clear on your theological stance, you can begin to discuss roles and responsibilities in both your marriage, your ministry, and in leadership together. Both husband and wife bring their own unique spiritual gifts, strengths, and weaknesses into both marriage and ministry. This is a wonderful thing! Seek to build out your roles in a way that lines up with what you’ve discussed. Both spouses don’t have to do the exact same things, but can divide and conquer based on giftings and strengths and season of life. The goal is to be on the same page about what each person is expected to do and be accountable for in any given situation.

Clarity for Outside Stakeholders – Husbands and wives are not the only ones who need clarity. If you are working in ministry or leading together, there are other stakeholders who are impacted by your dynamic like your team, national partners, church, and organization. When I (Jenn) was elevated to a leadership role with Steven, it was important that I received a leadership title so that our teammates and organization knew that my decisions carried leadership weight. Teammates needed to understand me and Steven’s unique responsibilities in the leadership dynamic, so that they knew which of us they could bring certain issues or questions to. It’s especially important for husbands and wives to speak well of each other publicly as a way to create a united front, show mutual respect in your co-leadership and co-working, and to help those you lead and interact with to have confidence in your dynamic.

Similarly, your ministry partners will also need clarity. Steven and I both work with our national partner, Mint. In most meetings, I will initially connect relationally with Mint. I’ll ask her about her abiding, conflicts she’s having, how she’s feeling about any given topic. Mint knows those questions are coming from me and she’s become comfortable divulging more personal information to me. But she also knows Steven will ask her about her strategy, objectives, and goals. She also knows that she can ask us for almost anything and that Steven and I will be on the same page to try and help her.

Tools

Marriage Retreats – In the midst of cross-cultural living, ministry, and leadership, it can be hard to find a moment to communicate and connect with one another. Don’t forget, God is pleased when our marriages are healthy and centered on Him and on serving one another! We recommend setting at least an annual 2-3 day retreat to focus on your marriage. Objectives for this time would be for rest, deeper connection in your marriage, evaluating how your marriage and partnership is doing, and prayer and planning for the year. Calendar these retreats ahead of time and set them somewhere comfortable and outside of your context. 

Husband-Wife MOU – A helpful tool to establish clarity of roles and responsibilities between husband and wife is to create a Husband-Wife MOU. Categorize all the activities you are responsible for as individuals and as a couple and demarcate who takes ownership for what. It’s helpful to revisit this document regularly, as seasons of life and ministry might shift these things. Below is the MOU we created for our team. Feel free to use our template and adapt it to your context.

Conclusion

When I (Steven) was first entering into a season of being newly married and preparing to lead a team and ministry in Thailand, I felt a tension rising about how to prioritize my focus and time. As we went through pre-marital counseling and read marriage books, the overwhelming message was that your focus should be God above everything, then your marriage and family, and then everything else like your ministry or job.

But life and ministry overseas would require significant sacrifice that would affect our marriage. It wouldn’t be comfortable, things wouldn’t be easy, and there would be considerable challenges for our relationship. How could I reconcile wanting to prioritize my marriage in the context of responding to the call of missions that God had given so clearly?

I posed this question to one of my mentors, Caleb. He said something that has proven true over the last decade of marriage, ministry, and leadership.

“It’s not always so simple to prioritize things as God > marriage > ministry. Those things are intertwined. Loving God is loving my marriage. Loving my ministry is loving God. Loving my marriage is loving ministry.”

His point was that all of those things – your relationship with God, relationship with your spouse, and your ministry calling – all affect each other. Of course, any idolatry in your marriage or ministry will cause unhealth in the other dynamics. And there will absolutely be times that you should take a step back from ministry to work on your marriage or your relationship with God.

We can see this interwoven framework in Genesis 2 when God takes Adam to oversee the Garden of Eden. “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” It is within the context of pursuing his calling that God gives Adam a partner in Eve.

We believe that ministering and leading out of who you are as a married couple is a powerful witness that reflects God’s intention for marriage. Beyond being companions in life, you can also be partners in pursuing His calling. As you pursue clarity and learn how to lead together, we hope that your joy in marriage increases and reflects God’s glory to those around you!

The line to talk to Jenn was 10 people deep.

I (Steven), on the other hand, had one guy come up to ask a quick question and scuttle off. As an introvert, I was pretty relieved.

Jenn and I had just shared the stage together to speak at a conference for aspiring goers. We shared about union with Christ, which has been the most important lesson that God had given us not only for thriving overseas but for abiding in general. We decided to share the stage, even though we had almost never seen that done before. Historically, I had been the one invited for speaking engagements. But God in His kindness helped us learn this lesson together. We were simply trying to reflect that when sharing about it.

What we didn’t expect was the response that taking the stage together would have.

Simply by being on the stage together at the same time, something clicked for people in that audience. One, that men and women could speak, lead, and work together. And two, that women leaders had something unique and important to bring to the table.

One of the women who waited to talk to Jenn said, “I would never have come up here if there wasn’t a woman on the stage.”

From speaking engagements and other opportunities where Jenn and I have led out together, we’ve had dozens of couples tell us, “we see your dynamic in leading together and we think we both have leadership giftings. How do we learn how to lead together?”

It was clear that Jenn had a gift, a unique voice, and an important message, and that she needed to be given more of a platform to share that message. But as the one who had the previous experience and trusted relationships, I needed to call out her giftings, create opportunities, and encourage her to step up into those opportunities.

We said yes to more opportunities to speak together, and eventually, for Jenn to start speaking on her own. What people didn’t see as Jenn crushed it on stage were the 5th, 6th, 7th rounds of edits that I had to make on her written drafts, and the hurried and harrowing practicing of her talk late into the night before she spoke.

Now, I rarely get invited to speak anymore. Jenn is the one in high demand.

I couldn’t be happier or prouder.

She continues to have lines of 10+ women line up to talk to her regardless of the topic.

If elevating her voice can help even a few of those women step more boldly into leadership, or help couples learn to lead together, I’ll gladly continue to stand in the back of the room and take cool pictures of her as she uses her giftings.

Through sharing and leading together, we began to see how deeply the question of men and women leading together mattered to goers and mission teams. We are convinced that this kind of partnership helps more leaders step into—and lead from—the gifts God has entrusted to them.

Best Practices for Men and Women Leading Together

In our previous post, we introduced the topic of men and women leading together and gave our view of why this topic is important. In this post, we’ll focus more on the best practices of how men and women can lead together effectively. These include clearing the path, collaborative giftings, commitment, communication, and conflict. As you work through each of these practices, consider creating an MOU between yourself and your co-leader that encompasses all these categories.

Clearing the Path

One of the most important aspects of empowering Jenn or other women leaders on our teams towards leadership was what we call ‘clearing the path.’ The other best practices are mutually owned by both the male and female leaders. But clearing the path is something male leaders must often lead out in, since they often hold greater leadership influence due to the internal and external barriers that women leaders experience.

Male leaders can advocate for women leaders and clear the path in many ways—by speaking highly of them, creating opportunities for leading and development, and providing support and feedback. Advocacy is different from simply mentoring – a mentor can consult and encourage, but being an advocate requires using our relational or positional influence for the benefit of those that we support.

When you’re in leadership spaces with decision-makers, speak highly of the women leaders that you’re advocating for. People used to mention to me that I seemed to go out of my way to give credit or speak highly of Jenn and the other women leaders on our team. I wish I was that intentional – I was simply giving credit where it was due! I could not and did not do the things that Jenn and the other women leaders did on our team.

In your own team and ministry, create opportunities for women leaders to lead according to their giftings. This will require that you actually know their giftings and their desire to lead, which means you’ll probably need to have some 1-on-1 or smaller group settings for you to get to know them! Help them identify their giftings and discuss potential opportunities where they can lead. When larger opportunities to lead within your organization, church, or region come up, vouch for the women leaders that you know if their giftings line up with that opportunity.

And don’t only recommend them for the opportunity. Lend your credibility and provide support by  investing your own time in preparing, assisting, and sharing ownership of the outcome. Give direct feedback about what went well and where they can improve. Jenn says that women who do get the chance to lead can often ‘get the pass’ in terms of owning the negative consequences or hearing the difficult feedback that would help them improve because people want to be kind and not harsh. But that actually stunts their opportunity to learn and grow in leadership.

Cultivate their personal development by encouraging them to create development plans and keep them accountable to those plans. Open access to leadership spaces by bringing them along, when appropriate, to meetings you have with other leaders. In leadership team meetings, if there’s a topic or ministry area that aligns with their giftings, bring them in to share or just to listen and learn. If you’re meeting with another leader 1-on-1 who you know would be comfortable with another person there, try to bring women leaders along to learn and contribute as well.

Lastly, a disclaimer that we need to mention is that male leaders need to be careful to not elevate women leaders to positions that they are not qualified for, especially your wife. Standalone projects or opportunities can be good opportunities for developing leaders to step into and generally there’s grace for a one-off event if things don’t go well. But elevating women to leadership positions that they aren’t qualified for can backfire. A woman leader surveyed by Kadi Cole in Developing Female Leaders addresses this issue: 

Let’s not do women any extra favors, or promote them, just because of gender. This defeats the purpose of demonstrating equal capability and…decreases the validity of women in leadership roles in some people’s thinking. If [a woman leader is] only at the table because someone needs to fill a female quota, I’d rather find another table to sit at. However, let us ensure we are watching for and providing opportunities for women to grow, lead, and advance in our…organizations.

Developing Female Leaders, 141

We really love when husbands and wives can lead together and use their gifts (and will write a post on that in the near future), but exercise particular caution when elevating your wife to a leadership role as it can easily look like favoritism or nepotism which will undermine both of your leadership reputations. 

Clearing the path and advocating doesn’t only happen at the beginning of the process to get women in the door, but needs to continue until these women leaders are self-confident and well integrated into the leadership teams and culture of your organization. As women leaders are raised up, they can continue to be advocates and path-clearers for other women!

Collaborative Giftings and Leadership Roles

We mentioned in our first post that having men and women leading together provides a plurality of leadership and improved decision making because women leaders can represent the perspectives of the women on the team. The benefits of plurality of leadership are enhanced when the male and female leaders can have collaborative giftings and roles.

As men and women leaders begin leading together, discuss how your individual giftings can support each other and what roles on the team may be most appropriate for each leader to take the lead on. We’ve mentioned before that the missions team leader role is basically impossible for an individual leader, which is why we highly recommend a plurality of leaders. Between strategic planning, administration, shepherding, development, training, and 100 other topics, there are likely areas where one of the two leaders is better or more experienced than the other. Distribute the roles of leadership according to the giftings that each of you have. If you both have the same giftings, switch off or figure out ways that they could express themselves differently.

Using our initial story of speaking together as an example, I (Steven) am stronger at clarity of communication, whereas Jenn is much stronger in inspirational / motivational speaking with passion and emotion. So when we split up the different sections in our union with Christ talk, I took more of the teaching/Bible sections and Jenn told more stories of how it impacted us. We both had a speaking gift but they expressed themselves differently. Even within the same talk we could support each other with our giftings!

Commitment

Regardless of gender, if people want to lead together, they need to be equally committed to the vision and to their leadership role towards that vision. If you know your fellow leader is just as focused on the same goal as you are, it’s easier to trust them and also to lovinglyg call them back on track if they begin to drift off your shared vision. 

Conversely, when one leader is fully committed to the vision and the other is not, dysfunction and conflict often follow. A leader with less ownership may hesitate to carry their responsibilities or minimize their role, especially in difficult seasons. For the more committed leader, it can become difficult to trust their co-leader or to share leadership equally when they know their convictions aren’t shared. In these situations, it is often clearer and healthier to name one person as the primary leader and give the other a defined supporting role.

Both male and female leaders must take time to seek clarity about their vision from God and their own calling and commitment to leadership. One person’s sense of calling cannot compensate for a co-leader who has not done this work themselves. These convictions should be shared openly and revisited regularly as a reminder of your shared commitment. 

Finally, it’s important that the people you work with—especially your team and ministry partners—clearly understand your level of commitment, authority, and responsibility towards them. Does a female leader only lead other women? Does each leader make decisions on behalf of the whole or just one? Who should report to whom?

Conflict

Men and women leaders are going to have different perspectives. While embracing diversity of ideas is a strength, it can lead to tension and conflict. It is critical that men and women leading together know how to conflict well in order to lead from a place of unity. This involves knowing each other’s conflict dynamics and conflict styles, and to have a plan for how to address conflict when tensions arise.

In conflict dynamics, societal norms can lead men to respond more directly while women may respond more deferentially. It’s important to be aware if you have these sorts of leanings. For example, women may not share everything they’re thinking right away and may need to revisit an issue to feel fully resolved, while men often prefer to address something once and move on. Women may also seek more relational and contextual clarity, while men may focus mainly on the immediate problem.

Additionally, every person has a unique conflict style. Typically, people will default into certain behaviors when facing conflict – fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In a nutshell, fight people will face a threat aggressively, flight people tend to run from or avoid conflict, freeze people will find themselves paralyzed and unable to take action, and fawn people will move toward appeasement and people pleasing methods. On top of these “styles”, we all have triggers that will set us off as we feel our sense of safety threatened. Identifying these things in ourselves and in our co-leader helps us to mitigate many potential conflicts. 

In our own case, I fawn in conflict. If I feel unheard or misunderstood, I will push endlessly for clarity or resolution for the sake of harmony. Steven, conversely, tends toward flight. He often needs space to collect his thoughts and to get his emotions in check, before he is able to engage. As we understood these tendencies, we have had to adjust and compromise toward one another. I am learning to give Steven time to collect his thoughts before I barrage him with questions, and he makes an effort to respond calmly to me even if it’s faster than he would prefer.

However, sometimes leaders will reach an impasse. In these situations, it’s helpful to bring in a neutral third party with whom both sides feel safe and who can help to mediate a conflict. 

It is best for leaders to keep short accounts with one another and strive to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible. It helps to have a clear plan and awareness for what issues have potential to spark conflict, each person’s conflict response, how to resolve conflict, and how to rebuild trust after conflict. Make the time to discuss and plan:

• What are stress triggers or topics that potentially might escalate into conflict? 
• How can you together create a safe space to share your perspectives? 
• What is your conflict style? What are things you and your co-leader do to help move forward toward resolution?
• How will decisions be made? Will there be a deciding voice or will decisions be made collaboratively?  
• Who is a safe mediator for when conflicts reach an impasse?

Communication

Team leaders are constantly processing and passing on information. On any given day, team leaders may be communicating with their national partners, teammates, organization, and many others. And while having two people share the burden is great, if co-leaders are not on the same page or aren’t working off the same set of information, chaos often ensues. Before we found our best communication rhythms, Steven and I would often contradict each other in meetings in front of our teammates – confusing everyone!

Steven and I are always communicating with each other, and our teammates have a clear understanding that anything one of us hears, unless it is told in confidence, the other will receive at least a short update. We will text each other random thoughts and ideas that we might have while apart. When we take meetings, we crystallize and write down summary points and send them to each other as soon as the meeting ends. While this may seem cumbersome, creating this type of shared consciousness allows us to make decisions quickly together without needing to stop and explain context. It also allows us to communicate the same message to our team and partners.

Other co-leaders may have different communication styles they would prefer over our constant sharing, and could set up regular meetings with a calendar invite simply to check in and share information. Whatever your method, the goal is to ensure that you are always as informed as you can be about a given situation that impacts your team and the ministry work. And with this knowledge, you are making wise decisions that allow you and your co-leader to present a unified front to your team.

Generally, women will pull back on their ideas or perhaps be tempted to prioritize being agreeable over rocking the boat. If you are a woman leader, even if it feels risky, push to prioritize your voice and your ideas rather than stuffing them down. Try to eliminate disclaimers and speak your ideas out directly. Leaders can make better decisions when there’s more information and better representation of the perspectives involved. Men co-leaders will need to create spaces for women co-leaders to offer feedback and also make it a habit to push for clarity. Ask multiple times if your woman co-leader has said everything she wants to say and ask her for proposed solutions. We also encourage creating a culture where co-leaders regularly provide feedback with one another as a way of accountability and personal development. This could be as formal as a regular feedback meeting on the calendar or just making it a point to ask for, provide, and receive feedback in regular conversations.

Conclusion

Co-leadership between men and women on missions teams takes a lot of work. It will take discussion, time, and trial & error to figure out what a collaborative leadership dynamic looks like between a male and female leader. But most of all, it will take a Philippians 2 type of humility – to consider the other leader higher than yourself. When each leader goes out of their way to elevate the others’ gifts, they both benefit and the team strengthens. When you’re fighting for your own reputation or position, it will lead to unhealthy conflict and damage your team and ministry. Collaborative leadership requires the mindset that Paul outlines in 1 Corinthians 12:

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

1 Corinthians 12:21-26

But when you’ve done the hard work of clearing the path, learning giftings, and figuring out commitment, conflict, communication with your co-leader, Scripture is clear about the result: “when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”

Jenn and I (Steven) fought nearly every day for our first year on the field.

At the end of our first term of 2.5 years, we did a debrief and noted that second only to learning union with Christ, both of us said our marriage, and our co-leadership of the ministry and team together, was the thing we were most grateful for. It was nothing short of a miracle that the Lord did to bring us to that point from how fragile, disunified, and hostile we were to each other.

To us, men and women leading together is a critical element in seeing missions teams and ministries thrive and be effective. We’ve seen many husband and wife units that were not on the same page strain in their marriage and leave the field. We’ve seen solo male team leaders struggle to lead without the gifts that women leaders bring. We’ve seen many gifted, passionate women goers be underused and underappreciated on teams where male leaders did not know how to empower them, who have eventually left the field. Many of those situations would have greatly benefitted from a woman leader’s voice along with a male leader to bring guidance and resolution.

As Jenn contends in her post on Women in Leadership, the Great Commission needs women leaders, and missions teams and ministries are not realizing their potential when they fail to empower women to operate in their gifts and leadership.

This is not to say that missions teams with male team leaders will necessarily fail to be healthy or effective. Good leaders will learn how to shepherd, direct, and develop their teammates regardless of gender. We’ll write a future post about tips for men leading women. However, we’ve found it most effective when there is a level of men and women leading together for multiple reasons.

This post will generally be about men and women leading together on missions teams, whether as a married couple or as non-married co-leaders. We’ll have some guidelines specifically about husbands and wives leading together in the future.

Our Story

Jenn gives a pretty thorough version of her experience of discovering her leadership identity in the midst of navigating life overseas and being in our first year of marriage in her Women in Leadership post.

We were 6 months married when we launched to the field – not recommended. From my (Steven) side, the feeling I most experienced during that first year was overwhelmed. I had heard from experienced goers how difficult the field could be on a marriage, and wanted desperately to establish healthy foundations between me and Jenn.

But at the same time, I was completely in over my head with our transition to the field, leading a team, and starting a new ministry. On top of the ‘normal’ field transitions like learning language and dealing with culture stress, I had innumerable team leader responsibilities piled on as well, including finding visas, opening ministry opportunities, detailing crisis plans, and approving 9 units’ ministry expenses.

The stress and burden of all of that hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I had always expected and desired Jenn to be a ministry partner with me, but I didn’t know what it could look like, didn’t know how to communicate that, and didn’t know what types of barriers and insecurities she was dealing with. It took us about a year of getting through culture-stress and learning to communicate as a newly married couple before we began understanding each other. 

Since we are both incredibly stubborn, we were missing the truth that God had given each of us exactly the thing we needed in each other. I needed someone to help carry the vision and responsibility of the team. And Jenn wanted to be empowered to use her giftings according to her calling. Jenn met the women on our team 1-on-1 and was in charge of their development and shepherding. I looked for more opportunities to invite her into areas of leadership according to her gifting and clear the way for her as a leader within our sending organization and our church.

10 years later, we couldn’t imagine working in a different way. We debrief nearly every ministry thing together, even if it’s something that we’re doing completely independently. We include each other in every ministry partnership, and we elevate and complement each other’s strengths. And perhaps from the example that we’ve set, it’s standard for men and women on the teams we’ve raised up to partner and lead together in ministry.

Along the way, as we’ve figured out what works for us and coached other ministry and team leaders, we think that men and women leading together leads to the healthiest and most effective outcomes.

Theological Considerations

Before we jump into reasons why we think men and women leading and working together is important, we want to quickly address the theological considerations around this topic. We aren’t trying to convince anybody towards or against a theological stance on women in leadership.

What we do want to encourage you to do is to study the Word about what it says regarding women in leadership, women in ministry, and men and women working together. From that, form a position that can be communicated clearly to your team. Jenn gives her view in her post on women in leadership, so I won’t state that here. But I will reiterate that once you have established your biblical view on women in ministry, explicitly empower women towards everything that they CAN do. Even though it may not be vocalized by the women on your team, it’s likely that some are wondering about where they can fit in, and being clear and empowering will be appreciated. Encourage discussion with your whole team about where men and women can collaborate and team together.

We find the Coworkers Bible Study and Developing Female Leaders by Kadi Cole as helpful supplementary resources.

Why Is This Important?

Ultimately, why is this topic of men and women leading together important? The bottom line for us is that missions teams that fail to empower both the women and men on their team towards their most effective role in ministry and leadership are missing out. They are missing out on seeing the fullness of the body of Christ at work. They are missing out on ministry opportunities that are available when both men and women are fully empowered.

Here are some of the key reasons why men and women leading together on missions teams is extremely valuable. The first three points are from Steven and the last two are from Jenn.

Increased Access in Ministry Opportunities

Over 50% of unreached people are women. Whether through direct disciple-making ministry or in partnering with local believers towards movement, having women in ministry leadership together with men will multiply your team’s ministry opportunities.

One of the major steps in pursuing movement is finding a National Apostolic Visionary to partner with towards multiplication. In many locations in the 1040 window, societies tend to be patriarchal, with men commonly in leadership positions. It’s good and strategic for movement practitioners to try to partner with local male Christian leaders. But because these local leaders are already very busy, there can be barriers with their availability. And given that there are usually few fruitful believers to work with, other expat workers may desire to partner with them as well.

However, there can be abundant opportunities found in partnering with local women believers who may be more available and perhaps even emerging leaders that are underdeveloped and open to pursuing different methodologies. Naturally, these local women believers will feel more comfortable interacting in ministry with outsider trainers and coaches who are also women.

We’ve learned from other movement practitioners that women oftentimes are the earliest adopters of movement approaches and can be quicker to enter into pioneering spaces and endure persecution. These local women are then naturally able to access non-believing women who can be in highly inaccessible or even oppressive situations in patriarchal cultures. If we are failing to empower and create opportunities for the women on our teams to enter into ministry, we are potentially cutting in half the pool of laborers and leaders that could be equipped to engage the harvest.

This is anecdotal to our teams in Thailand, but of the different partnerships with Thai networks that we have, the most fruitful ones are with Thai women leaders. And to no one’s surprise, it is the women on our team that run point with those leaders – planning strategy, training believers, coaching leaders, and walking side-by-side with them. If we didn’t have women leaders on our teams, just as empowered and committed to the vision as the male team members, we would be greatly missing out on seeing more people hear and receive the gospel in Thailand.

In contrast, one male leader that I coach in the Middle East acutely felt the cultural gender barriers that exist in his country. Although there were local women that voiced their interest in knowing more about Jesus, it would be culturally inappropriate for him to invite them to a male or even mixed-gender Bible study, and there were no known women Bible studies in his city that he could invite them to.

When there are both men and women leading together and empowering the team, teams can appropriately seize the opportunities to interact with both men and women in ministry settings.

Plurality of Leadership and Improved Decision-Making

We’ve mentioned before that the multiple roles of the team leader can feel impossible – shepherd, manager, administrator, strategy coordinator, developer to name a few. In our experience, having multiple leaders share the burden can be a huge benefit to your team and ministry.

It’s generally understood that single women greatly outnumber single men on the missions field, with some ratios cited as high as 7-to-1. It’s extremely likely that you have more women than men on your team. However you structure it, having at least one woman leader will maximize the benefits of leadership plurality. Women leaders will better represent the perspectives and needs of the women on your team and in your ministry, helping the leaders make better decisions.

Increased Collaboration and Empowerment

Our initial team had 6 men and 7 women. I grew up with most of the guys on our team. I knew their strengths and weaknesses and knew what roles would maximize their giftings. I didn’t know the women as well and healthy boundaries kept me from knowing them as well as the male teammates. After Jenn began investing in the women teammates and getting to know them, it was much easier to empower them to their best roles and set them up for strong collaboration with the men on our team. Having Jenn step into a role of leadership catalyzed greater empowerment of the women on our team and fostered stronger collaboration between the male and female teammates.

Just by seeing me and Jenn model leading and working together, our teammates felt permission to do the same. The women teammates saw Jenn in leadership and were more willing to step into leadership and ministry opportunities they might have assumed were for men. Our teamwork increased as everyone was more fully enabled to operate in their best roles.

A critical responsibility of a team leader is to empower their people to operate to the fullest extent of their giftings and strengths. When we can do this for both men and women, a team is able to harness and operate in the gifts of the full body of Christ. When leadership is able to model both men and women working and leading together, this creates a culture that releases team members to take risks, practice their giftings, and to learn from and help each other as well.

Shepherding Without Crossing Boundaries

The intensity of cross-cultural living and ministry can stress those we lead to the point where deep sin tendencies begin to emerge. In these situations, people naturally become discouraged, lose vision, or can even fall into moral failure. Before they reach this point, leaders need to step and help them identify and address sins they are struggling with, and to find freedom and healing. 

Everyone may have different thresholds and boundaries when it comes to cross-gender leadership, but generally we would consider it inappropriate for leaders to cross genders in addressing deep sin issues, or even some relational or marriage issues. Additionally, the pitfalls when it comes to cross-cultural, cross-gender shepherding are even more risky. We have heard many stories of male missionaries who have talked directly to a wife in a local family and ruined the relationship with that family for bypassing the husband, or vice versa with female goers. So regardless of what tradition you come from, it’s important that you know your personal, team, and host culture’s boundaries and communicate them clearly so no one is left in an awkward or potentially dangerous situation! 

In our first few years on the field, the women on our team wrestled with suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, depression, marriage issues, and frustration with role, just to name a few. Each of these issues are extremely personal and requires careful handling. Unfortunately, no matter how well intentioned Steven was, there were certain boundaries that he couldn’t cross when it came to shepherding. But simply by being a woman, I was able to more naturally empathize with the woman on the team. To them, I felt safe, which allowed me to foster trust in order to ask the hard questions and be received as a source of help. However, while I was often “in the trenches” with the women, Steven’s strengths and gifts were also needed. He coordinated with professionals to create shepherding / health plans, building a framework for accountability and holistic healing. He advocated for them to our org and created spaces where they felt permission to work on their own health without shame. Steven and I were able to work together in ways that felt appropriate for the people on our team, and by God’s grace, many of these women have found freedom and continue to persevere in the work!

Generally, women leaders are able to build deeper relationships with national women and with women on their teams, and speak into heart issues that a man might not be able to as easily. Being able to shepherd a team deeply is critical to keeping people persevering in the work as they find freedom from “everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles” (Hebrews 12:1).

Emotional Intelligence and Rapport

Both men and women image Christ in different ways, which often expresses itself in different ways in leadership. Corporate research also understands this dynamic. Multiple Harvard Business Review studies have concluded that women leaders generally excel in collaborative spaces, rapport-building, emotional intelligence, and empathetic thinking for others. Women are also often turned to in times of crises, trusted to exhibit more self-control and navigate difficult relational dynamics. But in some ministry leadership rooms, women can be more excluded and under-leveraged.

At its core, ministry centers around people. We team with people, we work with national partners, we try to love and serve people in a way that allows them to receive the gospel. In all these things, emotional intelligence, empathy, and collaboration are a strength that women tend to bring to the table. How many opportunities are we losing when we don’t harness the strengths of women leaders? How much more unified could our teams be? There is so much to gain through harnessing the unique contributions of women leaders.

Worth the Cost

From Adam and Eve to Priscilla and Aquila to Paul and his coworkers of men and women, we see in the Bible that there is a precedent of men and women leading and ministering together. In seeking this type of leadership dynamic, challenges will emerge. It might feel slow at first as you figure out new structures, new ways of communication, new ways of teaming.

But it’s worth the cost.

Men and women leading together allows for teams to realize the full potential of the body of Christ in order to access anyone who God has prepared to hear the gospel or be trained to make disciples.

Discussion Questions

Here are some questions you can use to discuss and pray through how you might be able to empower the men and women on your teams toward greater co-leadership and collaboration with one another.

• What feelings arise when you think about men and women leading together? What excites you, and what tensions do you notice? Why?
• Looking at your current leadership context, are both men and women represented in leadership roles and decision-making spaces?
• What roles do men and women play on your team? How does cross-gender collaboration and teamwork currently function?
• How might empowering both men and women leaders expand your access to the people you are ministering to?
• Are team members and national partners positioned to thrive in their callings, strengths, and gifts? Why or why not?
• Is there someone you sense the Spirit is inviting you to intentionally elevate and develop as a leader?
• What specific changes could you make to strengthen collaboration and teamwork between men and women leaders on your team?

Feel free to also directly subscribe to the Dare to Multiply Podcast on whatever application you use for podcast listening!

“Effective leaders increasingly perceive their ministries in terms of a lifetime perspective.“

The Making of a Leader by J. Robert Clinton helps spiritual leaders understand God’s process of developing them over a course of a lifetime. Clinton draws principles from the lives of Biblical and ministry leaders in history, breaking each leaders’ journey into 5 phases – sovereign foundations, inner-life growth, ministry maturing, life maturing, and convergence. Each chapter provides reflection questions and tools to help you identify key points in your leadership development journey. We especially appreciate Clinton’s breakdown of spiritual giftings as they relate to ministry.

This book was instrumental in helping us identify different events that God has used in our own lives to develop our character, skills, and calling. Overall, we highly recommend this book for leaders who want to understand their development process and discern how they can continue growing in the ways that God has been moving in their lives.

“God is working primarily in the leader, not through them. Many emerging leaders don’t recognize this and become frustrated. They are constantly evaluating productivity and activities, while God is quietly evaluating their leadership potential. He wants to teach us that we minister out of who we are.”

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The last few posts have been more instructive about the process of what to do to begin partnering with a National Apostolic Visionary to pursue movements. We wanted to focus on the first few practical steps in partnering with NAVs, as we feel there is a lack of training around how to start. However, as you get into a ministry partnership, there are numerous movement resources to help you think through, plan, and implement movement practices in your field. You can see the Resources page for some of these movement resources.

We will probably have more posts about Being Barnabas in the future, but for now, we wanted to shift gears from practical instruction to illustrate the relational dynamic that we have with our partners and what we’ve heard from other CPM practitioners about their partnership with NAVs. Sometimes we can get caught up in “catalyzing things” and miss the people that we are supposed to be loving and serving. What could be a beautiful image of partnership in the gospel with a NAV quickly becomes something evil and prideful when we are manipulating people towards a ministry goal instead of loving them and authentically serving them towards a mutual vision from God.

One of the best descriptions we’ve heard of the relational dynamic between a movement practitioner outsider and a national partner insider was given by a national partner in South Asia. He broke down Paul’s relationship with the Thessalonians, and in particular focused on 1 Thessalonians 2:7-12.

But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.

For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.

1 Thessalonians 2:7-12

He highlighted the metaphors Paul uses to reflect the depth of their love and care towards the Thessalonians, “like a nursing mother…” and “like a father with his children.” Ultimately, the relationship is summarized in the words, “we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves.” This is the level of depth and unity that a true partnership in the gospel can birth.

Instead of just telling you what aspects we think are important for you to have in a ministry partnership with a NAV, we wrote a few short stories from our experiences with our partners to illustrate what it could look like. We aspire to have the type of partnership that Paul had with the Thessalonians, likely reflected from his relationship with Barnabas. Despite differences in age, culture, experience, or language, we believe that we have oneness with Christ, which therefore means we have a oneness and unity with other brothers and sisters in Christ (John 17:21). We hope that Barnabas’ example, Jesus’ exhortation, and some illustrations from our relationship with our friends would encourage you to humbly serve, sacrifice, and invest your lives to see national brothers and sisters multiply the gospel to those who have never heard.

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Being Family Together
_Steven

After one very long ministry trip to a neighboring province, Mint, Jenn, and I arrived back late at her house where her Mom had cooked dinner. Everyone else had eaten a few hours ago, but the three of us ravenously devoured mom’s epic fried chicken and gaeng som, an insanely spicy and sour southern Thai curry. From the beginning, we had made a habit of going to Mint’s house and eating her mom’s food after every training.

When I asked for seconds of rice, Mint’s mom broke into a big smile and chuckled. I looked at Mint who was also smiling. I asked, “Why’s your mom smiling?” Mint said, “she’s smiling because you finally stopped being polite and asked for more food!” Whenever we see Mint’s mom, she greets us with “​​ลูก! เป็นยังไงบ้าง?” – which means, “my children! How are you?”

Later on, Mint’s brother-in-law told me, “we’ve had other people from churches or groups try to come and help us or run a training. But whenever the training was over, they would keep to themselves or go off and do their own thing. We knew that you cared about us and not just what we did because you guys always came over for dinner.” He always greets me with a big smile and a big hug, and asks me when I’m going to lose the 10 pounds I told him I would lose.

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Celebrating Fruitfulness Together
_Jenn

In 2019, Mint’s ministry began to bear fruit, and quickly. Our memories of that year are mostly a blur as we tried to keep up with all that God was doing. Most weeks, we traveled with Mint as she visited new believers and churches, energized by weekly reports of salvations, baptisms, and healings. Though we were so excited, we were also incredibly tired!

To take a breath, we planned a small prayer retreat at an airbnb in Bangkok. We asked Mint to take a pause for a couple of days so that we could pray together, listen for guidance from the Holy Spirit, and plan out our next goals.

On the first day, I handed Mint a sheet of paper and asked her to write what she had seen God do, what she was thankful for, and to draw a generation map of where the ministry was currently at. She prayed silently for a moment, listening to the Holy Spirit. And then she started to draw. New churches were represented by a circle, and a dotted circle delineated a Discovery Bible Study group. Circles began covering the first, then the second, and then the third page as she drew out how God had been moving. She shared with us story after story of people whose lives had turned from darkness to light. Tears of joy and gratitude fell freely from all of us as we realized how God had been working.

I asked Mint, “how do you feel about all of this?”

She replied, “I’m nothing special. I never thought God could use me like this.” 

Before we shifted toward setting goals, we had a time of listening prayer, asking God to speak into our plans. As I listened, the Holy Spirit put a Thai worship song on my mind that I had only heard once or twice. Unsure with what to do with this word, I asked Mint, “do you know this song? Maybe we can sing it?”

A huge smile came across her face. “This is the song God used to call me to be a church planter!” In God’s kindness and wisdom, He brought to my mind a song that was significant in reminding Mint of His faithfulness when she first started this new ministry. As Mint’s ministry began to multiply, the song took on new meaning as our celebration of God’s fulfillment of His promises!

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Suffering Together
_Steven

After the first 5 house churches were planted, Mint’s ministry took off. Before we met her, she spent 2 years of difficult laboring to get to her first house church of about 15 people. 7 months after our first training with her team, there were 70 new believers and 5 house churches. 3 months later, 120 new believers and 12 house churches. We were traveling constantly with her throughout her region to train new church planters and follow up with new believers.

But with the highs of fruitfulness also came the lows of resistance and trial. During one coaching meeting, she shared with us that some new believers had gotten into a dispute about money with another believer in the church. Even though Mint tried to resolve the conflict, the new believers decided to leave the church without a word. Instead, they simply left their Bibles on Mint’s doorstep and disappeared.

Mint was devastated.

She said, “it wasn’t just that they rejected us, but that they rejected Jesus too.”

She also told us that this same month, her dad had decided to leave them in the northeast and move back down south to his second wife. Mint’s mom had just baptized him a few months before.

We sat in silence and mourned together with her. And with as much feeling and intention as we could convey in our limited Thai, we prayed for Mint and asked God to be her comfort.

________

The first time I hugged Mint after three years of working together was in the hospital. We were in a province I had never been before to help train some new church planters that Mint had raised up. Upon arriving to the hotel after a 6 hour drive, Jenn had multiple seizures and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

After texting my teammates to pray, the first person I called was Mint, searching for the Thai words to explain “faint, unconscious, seizure.” She told me to tell the hotel to call an ambulance and was there in 10 minutes next to me as Jenn started her 3rd seizure.

We rode in the front of the ambulance together; I remember that Mint was carrying Jenn’s shoes for her. When we were getting ready to move from the government hospital to the international hospital, Mint disappeared for 10 minutes and came back with the bill paid. She wouldn’t let me pay her back.

Around midnight as the hospital was closing, I went to the lobby where Mint and some of her teammates had been waiting for almost 6 hours. With tears in my eyes, I told them thank you for being with me that day, and I gave Mint a hug. For context, Thai culture isn’t very touchy as they ‘wai’ each other instead of hugging or handshaking, and Mint in particular isn’t a touch person. Jenn and I aren’t sure if we’ve even seen Mint hug her own family. But it felt like we had been through something significant and intense together and a ‘wai’ just wouldn’t suffice; she was there with us through one of the worst days of our lives.

The next day, she ran the training for the new church planters by herself and was back at the hospital to see Jenn. 

After we were gone from Thailand for almost 2 years for Jenn’s treatment in the States, we came back to see her and it was like things just picked up right where they left off. Mint gives Jenn a hug now almost every time we see her.

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Encouraging Towards Jesus Together
_Jenn

Two days after my seizure, Talia sent a text to me and Steven.

“Last night, I had a dream about Jenn. I was really worried and woke up early to pray for her. Jenn, please don’t work too hard!” 

To that point, we hadn’t updated most of our Thai friends about what had happened, and I was recovering in a hospital ICU. It still blows our minds that the Holy Spirit had alerted her of my situation from hundreds of miles away.

After Steven told her the news, Talia responded immediately:

“Jenn, I thank God that we are going through these situations. Everything that happens is in God’s control and in his care. I believe we will see and understand His promises much more, together.”

At the time Talia texted this to me, she was incredibly sick herself. For months, she had been fighting constant weakness and nausea, eventually ending up bedridden from hyperthyroidism, with doctors unable to figure out a medical plan. For the next two years the Lord knit our hearts to each other for a season of suffering and sickness that we would weather together. 

While we fought our respective battles, Talia and I texted constantly. One of the terrible effects of sickness is isolation and loneliness. With brain cancer, no one else was able to experience what my body was going through the way I did. I didn’t have the energy to explain my experiences and the storm of emotions in my heart. But Talia and I had each other – no explanations needed.

We shared with each other verses about God’s promises in suffering, frustrations with sickness, the painful words of people around us, and pictures of new clothes we needed for our changing bodies.

As Talia’s condition worsened, she expressed to me that I had become one of the few people who she felt understood by and who encouraged her. I felt exactly the same. The lessons that she was receiving from the Lord mirrored the things that I was learning. I once asked her, has God given you any promises during this season of suffering?

She said, “God has given me a vision that he will heal me and that I’ll return to my former strength! And that many people will believe in him through my testimony. I want to spend the time I have left to serve him and share the gospel and my story to as many people as I can!” 

625 days after my seizure, we reunited with Talia in Thailand. Although our bodies were exhausted and changed from 2 years of disease and treatment, we were overjoyed to be on the other side of a season of sickness and to meet face to face again. Meeting together also gave us renewed focus and resolve to take the lessons that God had been teaching us through sickness and move forward with His work in Thailand.

When we first launched to Thailand, we knew that our role was to partner with Thai leaders to help them complete the vision God had given them. What I didn’t expect was that God would give me someone that would understand what I was going through better than almost anyone in my most difficult season, despite being across an ocean and a language barrier. I had in mind to have a close relationship with a partner in the ministry, but my good Father knew that what I needed was a dear sister and friend to encourage me in Christ.

I’m confident that God had me and Talia go through our treatment seasons together to reflect to each other what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 1: 

Blessed be the… God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God… Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4, 9-10