Union with Christ and Resurrection Life

As we’ve mentioned in several other posts, the most significant lesson we’ve received from the Lord during our time on the field has been union with Christ. It has made such a radical difference in our practical experience of walking in the Spirit that it is the message that we most want to share with other leaders, goers, and believers.

The critical explanation of oneness with Jesus comes best from Hudson Taylor:

The Spirit of God revealed to me the truth of our oneness with Jesus as I had never known it before.

How great seemed my mistake in wishing to get the sap, the fullness out of Him! I saw not only that Jesus will never leave me, but that I am a member of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. The vine is not the root merely, but all – root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit.

Think what it involves. Can Christ be rich and I poor? Can your right hand be rich and your left poor? Or your head be well fed while your body starves?

The sweetest part… is the rest which full identification with Christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this; for He, I know, is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. That is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest position He must give me His grace, and in the most difficult His grace is sufficient. No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me.

Hudson Taylor’s Spiritual Secret

To us, learning about union with Christ unlocked the practical application of the promises of God in our lives. Those biblical promises for provision, joy, wisdom, power went from a distant and vague hope that they would happen to a daily, rich, and real experience in our lives and ministry. Without the secret of oneness with Jesus, we most likely would not have made it past our first term in Thailand.

And although we had been surrendering our control and receiving His promises throughout team leadership and growing ministry in Thailand, the shock and trial of cancer and burnout brought us deeper into the lessons of union. There was more surrender, more death to self that the Lord was bringing in order to receive the true goal of union with Christ: resurrection life and power.

We are continually learning and desiring to experience more intimacy, more of Jesus’ presence, more of our very lives, will, thoughts, words aligning with his. He continues to respond by giving more. 10 years into our time on the field, anxiety has gone from a near constant reality with no reprieve before learning about union, to something we had to actively surrender to receive peace from Jesus, and now to a rare occurrence that is honestly surprising when it pops up.

The circumstances of life and ministry on the field have not gotten much easier. But for thoughts of anxiety and the corresponding tension headaches, panic, desperation, escapism, and inevitable conflicts to go from 10 times a day to 10 times a year is a testimony of God’s power to transform our lives. 

This is not to even speak of —

• supernatural empowerment of strength and energy when my gas tank is completely empty,
• wisdom for decisions that I would never be able to make from my own knowledge, 
• joy in the midst of the lowest points in my life,
• favor and blessing in ministry with people that we did not earn,

and so many other miraculous and practical ways that Jesus has shown himself to be faithful.

His promises in Scripture are true. And they are available to us right now.

And there is so much more that he desires to give us than we can even imagine.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

More posts on Union with Christ and Resurrection Life:

1. Union with Christ Part 1
2. Union with Christ Part 2
3. Resurrection Life Part 1
4. Resurrection Life Part 2
5. Resurrection Life Part 3

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God’s Faithfulness, Provision, Protection, and Presence

It feels a bit cliche to say that God’s faithfulness has been a theme of the past 10 years, but there’s a reason why Scripture so often speaks to this aspect of His character. Samuel Saldivar examines 1 New Testament and 4 Old Testament terms that highlight God’s faithfulness and counts up to 733 times these terms are used in the Bible.

In spite of whether I realized it or looked to Him for it, God has been faithful. He has been provider, protector, and Friend.

When our marriage struggled and we fought nearly every day for our first year on the field, He brought healing and unity between me and Jenn to turn a weakness into a joyful point of strength.

When we didn’t know what to do as leaders or how to make decisions for our team, His Spirit gave wisdom and discernment generously and protected our team from catastrophe.

When our team had conflict and disagreement and unhealth, He created unity and camaraderie for us as one body in Christ.

When we were physically exhausted, sick, and out of gas, He provided supernatural strength, energy, and healing.

When trying to pursue a vision for multiplication among 70 million people without the gospel and being told from numerous experienced workers that it couldn’t be done, He blessed us with cherished Thai partners that are bearing fruit beyond what we could dream.

When my wife was in the ICU after a seizure and I didn’t know if she would live or die, in the waiting room of the hospital at 2AM, I experienced His faithfulness and presence beyond any other moment I had before that.

Before you launch to the field, you hear testimonies from workers and read the words from missionary biographies like Adoniram Judson in the prison, Jim Elliot the night before they go to encounter the Huaorani and are martyred for their witness, and John Paton in the tree running for his life from savages. In those testimonies, they all talk about experiencing His promises for peace, joy, and trust, and about how Jesus had never been more present or nearer than in those moments of crisis.

John Paton writes, 

Yet I sat there among the branches, as safe as in the arms of Jesus. Never, in all my sorrows, did my Lord draw nearer to me, and speak more soothingly in my soul, than when the moonlight flickered among those chestnut leaves, and the night air played on my throbbing brow, as I told all my heart to Jesus. Alone, yet not alone! If it be to glorify my God, I will not grudge to spend many nights alone in such a tree, to feel again my Savior’s spiritual presence, to enjoy His consoling fellowship. If thus thrown back upon your own soul, alone, all alone, in the midnight, in the bush, in the very embrace of death itself, have you a Friend that will not fail you then?

You read the word, you pray and plead, you hope within hope that when those moments of trial come, that He will give you faith to believe the promises. That your faith won’t fail. That He will be and do everything that He said he would.

Sitting in that waiting room, distressed and scared, I prayed the simplest prayer that I could muster: “God, I trust you. I believe that you are with me and that you are sovereign and that this will be for your glory and my good.”

The moment that I realized that I not only prayed but I believed those words, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and joy that He gave me faith to believe the promises. That He had not abandoned me but had drawn nearer than ever before. It felt like I had passed the test of faith, only because He allowed me to. I didn’t know what tomorrow would hold, but I knew that I was held by Him. My Friend that would not fail me in the very embrace of death itself.

God is faithful, even to give the faith to believe His promises.

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Joy in Fulfilling Calling

At one missions conference we went to, we heard a speaker say, “Many goers do not persevere long enough to see the vision that God has given them be fulfilled.” Obviously there are many uncontrollable reasons that people leave the field, but his exhortation to us was to continue persevering in the work even if it is slow or difficult or plodding.

Timelining out the significant events of the last 10 years was emotionally heavy. It took me 1-2 hours per year to look back, remember, and note the significant moments, and inevitably to feel and experience those things as well. Even with as many good moments as there were, much of what we experienced still feels weary, sad, and melancholic. In some seasons, even if there wasn’t a distinct negative event, it just felt like we were constantly plodding uphill in the mud and rain, two steps forward and three steps back. It’s hard to count how many moments we wanted to give up, to escape, to just pick an easier life. Difficult conversations, hospital visits, sin issues, burnout, and self-dependence tinged the timeline like stains on the page of a book. And this didn’t even count all the smaller burdens like missing home, lingering sicknesses, feeling strange and misunderstood in a foreign culture, and a continual underlying stress, anxiety, and loss of control.

I decided to mark the events with a green color for positive and a red color for negative. After tallying them up, there were 211 positive, joyful events and 56 negative, difficult events. For every difficult thing, there were nearly 4 joyful things.

Life on the field is low lows and high highs. There were 267 significant events in 10 years, about 2-3 per month. I doubt if I would’ve even had 1/10th of that had I stayed in the States. And it’s true, life would’ve probably been easier, safer, more stable. And I would’ve, for the most part, avoided most of these very difficult, heavy moments.

But I would’ve missed out on joy.

He had good works for us to walk in. And even in the difficulties and suffering, he was teaching us lessons of how to receive joy and peace and rest in Jesus.

Jenn shares that when we returned back to Thailand after cancer, it felt like her soul clicked back into place. There is a joy and a contentment in your inner being to be exactly where God wants you to be.

And there’s joy in seeing a vision begin to come to fruition. 

We came in response to a calling and a Commission towards a spiritual need for the gospel in Thailand. At first, though I might not have admitted it, I was seeking validation. I wanted to be validated that I wasn’t crazy for leaving a good job in the States to essentially start over in a foreign country. To be validated that I was a good leader. To be validated that we could see ministry fruit happen where others said it couldn’t happen.

When the first trials and challenges came, most of those inane desires went out the window as we were just trying to survive. Being humbled by the Lord quickly checked our motivations, and learning union with Christ made us realize that Jesus’ words in John 15 were painfully and wonderfully true – “apart from me you can do nothing.” We started to focus on abiding not so we could get what we needed to bear fruit, but simply so we could experience more of Jesus.

When the ministry started seeing fruit, no one was more surprised than we were because we knew how incompetent, stupid, and weak we were. It was clearly because of what God was doing through our Thai partners, not because of us.

But still we experienced joy. Not validation of ourselves, not affirmation of our strength, but that we had a front row seat in seeing God’s goodness in bringing the first new believers, the first new churches. We celebrated when reports of new believers and baptisms came in. We worshipped when the sick were healed or demons were cast out. We wept with gratitude when we saw obedience and transformation in people’s lives and families. We were in awe when we realized that God was doing a work much bigger than we had anticipated.

If we had given up when things felt impossible, or perhaps never even took the first steps of obedience towards this wildly insane calling, we would have missed out on all of the joy that God wanted us to experience.

“Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit… These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”

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Conformed to the Image of Christ

Lastly, what stuck out to me in looking back on the timeline was how much I have been changed. In the timeline above, the red events were negative and the green were positive, and I marked the blue events and lessons as significant moments of change, growth, and development for me personally.

This can perhaps be said of any 25 year old, but the word that comes to mind in describing myself at 25 is “naive”. My reality for the first few years in Thailand was something in between “I don’t know” and “What the heck is going on?!” In regards to life overseas, marriage, team leadership, and suffering, I had no idea what I signed up for.

I have failed as a follower of Jesus, as a husband, as a friend, as a ministry worker, and as a leader miserably, spectacularly, and repeatedly over the past 10 years to the detriment of myself, my wife, our team, and our ministry. Those failures were painful and have left scars that we have had to surrender to Jesus for healing. The fact that we are still here 10 years later with several physical and emotional scars is a testimony to the Lord’s kindness in sustaining us.

Reading through Robert Clinton’s The Making of a Leader helped me to understand that every experience, every opportunity, and particularly every failure has been how God has been shaping me. Those scars are literal and figurative marks of the ways that He has developed us more into who He has intended for us to be.

What excites me for the next 10 years is not only how much more impact we will have armed with the valuable lessons He has given us from the past 10, but how much more the Spirit will change me, how much more He will help me to know and love and become more like Jesus.

With 10 years behind us and the next horizon in front of us, we can simply say – If God has been faithful through all of this, how much more faithful will He be going forward?

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”

Hebrews 10:23

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The last few posts have been more instructive about the process of what to do to begin partnering with a National Apostolic Visionary to pursue movements. We wanted to focus on the first few practical steps in partnering with NAVs, as we feel there is a lack of training around how to start. However, as you get into a ministry partnership, there are numerous movement resources to help you think through, plan, and implement movement practices in your field. You can see the Resources page for some of these movement resources.

We will probably have more posts about Being Barnabas in the future, but for now, we wanted to shift gears from practical instruction to illustrate the relational dynamic that we have with our partners and what we’ve heard from other CPM practitioners about their partnership with NAVs. Sometimes we can get caught up in “catalyzing things” and miss the people that we are supposed to be loving and serving. What could be a beautiful image of partnership in the gospel with a NAV quickly becomes something evil and prideful when we are manipulating people towards a ministry goal instead of loving them and authentically serving them towards a mutual vision from God.

One of the best descriptions we’ve heard of the relational dynamic between a movement practitioner outsider and a national partner insider was given by a national partner in South Asia. He broke down Paul’s relationship with the Thessalonians, and in particular focused on 1 Thessalonians 2:7-12.

But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.

For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God. You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers. For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.

1 Thessalonians 2:7-12

He highlighted the metaphors Paul uses to reflect the depth of their love and care towards the Thessalonians, “like a nursing mother…” and “like a father with his children.” Ultimately, the relationship is summarized in the words, “we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves.” This is the level of depth and unity that a true partnership in the gospel can birth.

Instead of just telling you what aspects we think are important for you to have in a ministry partnership with a NAV, we wrote a few short stories from our experiences with our partners to illustrate what it could look like. We aspire to have the type of partnership that Paul had with the Thessalonians, likely reflected from his relationship with Barnabas. Despite differences in age, culture, experience, or language, we believe that we have oneness with Christ, which therefore means we have a oneness and unity with other brothers and sisters in Christ (John 17:21). We hope that Barnabas’ example, Jesus’ exhortation, and some illustrations from our relationship with our friends would encourage you to humbly serve, sacrifice, and invest your lives to see national brothers and sisters multiply the gospel to those who have never heard.

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Being Family Together
_Steven

After one very long ministry trip to a neighboring province, Mint, Jenn, and I arrived back late at her house where her Mom had cooked dinner. Everyone else had eaten a few hours ago, but the three of us ravenously devoured mom’s epic fried chicken and gaeng som, an insanely spicy and sour southern Thai curry. From the beginning, we had made a habit of going to Mint’s house and eating her mom’s food after every training.

When I asked for seconds of rice, Mint’s mom broke into a big smile and chuckled. I looked at Mint who was also smiling. I asked, “Why’s your mom smiling?” Mint said, “she’s smiling because you finally stopped being polite and asked for more food!” Whenever we see Mint’s mom, she greets us with “​​ลูก! เป็นยังไงบ้าง?” – which means, “my children! How are you?”

Later on, Mint’s brother-in-law told me, “we’ve had other people from churches or groups try to come and help us or run a training. But whenever the training was over, they would keep to themselves or go off and do their own thing. We knew that you cared about us and not just what we did because you guys always came over for dinner.” He always greets me with a big smile and a big hug, and asks me when I’m going to lose the 10 pounds I told him I would lose.

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Celebrating Fruitfulness Together
_Jenn

In 2019, Mint’s ministry began to bear fruit, and quickly. Our memories of that year are mostly a blur as we tried to keep up with all that God was doing. Most weeks, we traveled with Mint as she visited new believers and churches, energized by weekly reports of salvations, baptisms, and healings. Though we were so excited, we were also incredibly tired!

To take a breath, we planned a small prayer retreat at an airbnb in Bangkok. We asked Mint to take a pause for a couple of days so that we could pray together, listen for guidance from the Holy Spirit, and plan out our next goals.

On the first day, I handed Mint a sheet of paper and asked her to write what she had seen God do, what she was thankful for, and to draw a generation map of where the ministry was currently at. She prayed silently for a moment, listening to the Holy Spirit. And then she started to draw. New churches were represented by a circle, and a dotted circle delineated a Discovery Bible Study group. Circles began covering the first, then the second, and then the third page as she drew out how God had been moving. She shared with us story after story of people whose lives had turned from darkness to light. Tears of joy and gratitude fell freely from all of us as we realized how God had been working.

I asked Mint, “how do you feel about all of this?”

She replied, “I’m nothing special. I never thought God could use me like this.” 

Before we shifted toward setting goals, we had a time of listening prayer, asking God to speak into our plans. As I listened, the Holy Spirit put a Thai worship song on my mind that I had only heard once or twice. Unsure with what to do with this word, I asked Mint, “do you know this song? Maybe we can sing it?”

A huge smile came across her face. “This is the song God used to call me to be a church planter!” In God’s kindness and wisdom, He brought to my mind a song that was significant in reminding Mint of His faithfulness when she first started this new ministry. As Mint’s ministry began to multiply, the song took on new meaning as our celebration of God’s fulfillment of His promises!

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Suffering Together
_Steven

After the first 5 house churches were planted, Mint’s ministry took off. Before we met her, she spent 2 years of difficult laboring to get to her first house church of about 15 people. 7 months after our first training with her team, there were 70 new believers and 5 house churches. 3 months later, 120 new believers and 12 house churches. We were traveling constantly with her throughout her region to train new church planters and follow up with new believers.

But with the highs of fruitfulness also came the lows of resistance and trial. During one coaching meeting, she shared with us that some new believers had gotten into a dispute about money with another believer in the church. Even though Mint tried to resolve the conflict, the new believers decided to leave the church without a word. Instead, they simply left their Bibles on Mint’s doorstep and disappeared.

Mint was devastated.

She said, “it wasn’t just that they rejected us, but that they rejected Jesus too.”

She also told us that this same month, her dad had decided to leave them in the northeast and move back down south to his second wife. Mint’s mom had just baptized him a few months before.

We sat in silence and mourned together with her. And with as much feeling and intention as we could convey in our limited Thai, we prayed for Mint and asked God to be her comfort.

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The first time I hugged Mint after three years of working together was in the hospital. We were in a province I had never been before to help train some new church planters that Mint had raised up. Upon arriving to the hotel after a 6 hour drive, Jenn had multiple seizures and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

After texting my teammates to pray, the first person I called was Mint, searching for the Thai words to explain “faint, unconscious, seizure.” She told me to tell the hotel to call an ambulance and was there in 10 minutes next to me as Jenn started her 3rd seizure.

We rode in the front of the ambulance together; I remember that Mint was carrying Jenn’s shoes for her. When we were getting ready to move from the government hospital to the international hospital, Mint disappeared for 10 minutes and came back with the bill paid. She wouldn’t let me pay her back.

Around midnight as the hospital was closing, I went to the lobby where Mint and some of her teammates had been waiting for almost 6 hours. With tears in my eyes, I told them thank you for being with me that day, and I gave Mint a hug. For context, Thai culture isn’t very touchy as they ‘wai’ each other instead of hugging or handshaking, and Mint in particular isn’t a touch person. Jenn and I aren’t sure if we’ve even seen Mint hug her own family. But it felt like we had been through something significant and intense together and a ‘wai’ just wouldn’t suffice; she was there with us through one of the worst days of our lives.

The next day, she ran the training for the new church planters by herself and was back at the hospital to see Jenn. 

After we were gone from Thailand for almost 2 years for Jenn’s treatment in the States, we came back to see her and it was like things just picked up right where they left off. Mint gives Jenn a hug now almost every time we see her.

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Encouraging Towards Jesus Together
_Jenn

Two days after my seizure, Talia sent a text to me and Steven.

“Last night, I had a dream about Jenn. I was really worried and woke up early to pray for her. Jenn, please don’t work too hard!” 

To that point, we hadn’t updated most of our Thai friends about what had happened, and I was recovering in a hospital ICU. It still blows our minds that the Holy Spirit had alerted her of my situation from hundreds of miles away.

After Steven told her the news, Talia responded immediately:

“Jenn, I thank God that we are going through these situations. Everything that happens is in God’s control and in his care. I believe we will see and understand His promises much more, together.”

At the time Talia texted this to me, she was incredibly sick herself. For months, she had been fighting constant weakness and nausea, eventually ending up bedridden from hyperthyroidism, with doctors unable to figure out a medical plan. For the next two years the Lord knit our hearts to each other for a season of suffering and sickness that we would weather together. 

While we fought our respective battles, Talia and I texted constantly. One of the terrible effects of sickness is isolation and loneliness. With brain cancer, no one else was able to experience what my body was going through the way I did. I didn’t have the energy to explain my experiences and the storm of emotions in my heart. But Talia and I had each other – no explanations needed.

We shared with each other verses about God’s promises in suffering, frustrations with sickness, the painful words of people around us, and pictures of new clothes we needed for our changing bodies.

As Talia’s condition worsened, she expressed to me that I had become one of the few people who she felt understood by and who encouraged her. I felt exactly the same. The lessons that she was receiving from the Lord mirrored the things that I was learning. I once asked her, has God given you any promises during this season of suffering?

She said, “God has given me a vision that he will heal me and that I’ll return to my former strength! And that many people will believe in him through my testimony. I want to spend the time I have left to serve him and share the gospel and my story to as many people as I can!” 

625 days after my seizure, we reunited with Talia in Thailand. Although our bodies were exhausted and changed from 2 years of disease and treatment, we were overjoyed to be on the other side of a season of sickness and to meet face to face again. Meeting together also gave us renewed focus and resolve to take the lessons that God had been teaching us through sickness and move forward with His work in Thailand.

When we first launched to Thailand, we knew that our role was to partner with Thai leaders to help them complete the vision God had given them. What I didn’t expect was that God would give me someone that would understand what I was going through better than almost anyone in my most difficult season, despite being across an ocean and a language barrier. I had in mind to have a close relationship with a partner in the ministry, but my good Father knew that what I needed was a dear sister and friend to encourage me in Christ.

I’m confident that God had me and Talia go through our treatment seasons together to reflect to each other what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 1: 

Blessed be the… God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God… Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4, 9-10

In this final post, we’ll talk about what resurrection life and power are, and what happens when we receive it.

Receive Resurrection Life

As I was reflecting on what God was trying to teach us through this past season in surrender and suffering, the terms ‘resurrection life’ and ‘fullness of union life’ kept coming up in the things we were reading and reflecting on. That experience of the intensity of his love on that Grade 3 day, the joy of his presence, the security and protection in him that not even cancer in my wife could touch – I started to think: what if we could experience that fullness all the time?

Andrew Murray says:

‘I come to you with God’s message that you can have no conception of what your life would be in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is too high and too blessed and too wonderful, but I bring you the message that the Holy Spirit can come into your heart with His divine power, and He may sanctify you and enable you to do God’s blessed will, and fill your heart with joy and with strength.’

Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender

Think of a time when you felt the nearest to Jesus in your abiding. What did that feel like? What came out of it? How were your thoughts and feelings and even your will changed?

What if you could have that 10 times, 100 times more intensely and have it in every area of your life and ministry and all the time? This is the description of Hudson Taylor late in his life, after living out this union with Christ for decades of ministry in China.

Dwelling in Christ, he drew upon His very being and resources, in the midst of and concerning the matters in question. And this he did by an attitude of faith as simple as it was continuous. Yet he was delightfully free and natural. I can find no words to describe it save the Scriptural expression “in God.” He was in God all the time and God in him. It was that true “abiding” of John fifteen.

Hudson Taylor’s Spiritual Secret, emphasis added

What is meant by resurrection life? It is where believers live in the present reality of the resurrection; where the identity and benefits of restoration and redemption in Jesus are experienced by the believer. To me, it means that all the promises of Scripture are true, available, and fully experienced in my daily life and ministry, and not just nice ideas that will come in some distant and abstract future.

Wayne Grudem says, ‘Union with Christ is a phrase used to summarize several different relationships between believers and Christ, through which Christians receive every benefit of salvation.”

All throughout the writings from and about Hudson Taylor, you can see the marks of a person who lived as if Christ really purchased resurrection life for us. The New Testament is overflowing with verses about this type of life in Christ and the outcomes of it. Many times we can’t even imagine how these promises could exist in our own lives, or we are just completely unable to receive them until He brings us to the end of ourselves. Surrender the self to the point of death, in order to receive the fullness of these promises!

Below are just a fraction of the verses in the New Testament that talk about putting on Christ and Christ living through us as our new resurrection identity:

• Galatians 2:20 – I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
• Colossians 3:12-15 – Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
• Romans 13:14 – But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.
• 2 Corinthians 5:14, 17 – For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died… Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
• John 15:4 – Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.
• Philippians 3:8-9 – Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

And for those that put on Christ in faith, who surrender their selves to the point of death and receive identification with Christ fully, the outcome of resurrection life is richer and more fruitful than we can even imagine:

• John 15:1-17 – Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing…If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you...As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love….These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
• John 16:33 – I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.
• 2 Corinthians 9:8 – And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
• Philippians 4:11-13 – Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
• Ephesians 3:19-21 – To know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I wanted to put all these verses here for us to read and reflect on, in order to let Scripture explain resurrection life. Reading these verses brings these questions for us:

• Do we believe that Christ has purchased for us a new identity in him and that the promises related to this new identity are true?
• Do we experience these benefits of resurrection life on a daily basis without limit?

I know that I am not yet at the place where I’m experiencing his fullness at every moment of every day. When we recognize that we aren’t abiding, it’s an opportunity to surrender to Jesus in humility before we can receive these benefits.

But moments of this resurrection life are starting to emerge, more consistently and more powerfully than I’ve ever experienced before this past season of surrender.

I mentioned in the previous post that since the grieving retreat, there has been a lightness and freedom that has persisted since that time. Even through major crises and conflicts in the past season – a major shakeup on our team, the death of other goers with cancer, and painful conflicts – I have seen this freedom that comes with surrender guard my heart from anxiety and fear.

One of the starkest experiences of being literally compelled by Christ was in a difficult conflict. We were in a messy situation, and as with many messy situations, there was a misunderstanding and another worker accused me of doing something that I didn’t do, specifically attacking my character.

I remember sitting on the stairs in my apartment, about to take a phone call with this person, heart rate up and ready to defend myself since I “knew” myself to be right in this situation. I was ready to unleash all the ways this person had been difficult and divisive and let them know how they were wrong. In my heart, I knew that it was probably my pride and anger getting the best of me, but I felt justified to shoot back after being falsely accused.

As I picked up the phone, a strange thing happened. As I started talking to this person, the words and sentences that I was saying were not the ones I had planned to say. And the emotions I was feeling were not of defensiveness and anger, but of compassion, patience, and even love. It was so starkly different from what I was planning to say and what I had previously been thinking and feeling that it was almost like an out-of-body experience, watching someone that wasn’t me on the stairs having this phone call in the opposite way that I was intending to.

It was the first time that I think I’d ever felt what 2 Corinthians 5:14 describes – ‘for the love of Christ controls us, compels us.’ The Spirit decided to take matters into his own hands and change my words, thoughts, and even my emotions. Jenn was sitting in the next room and after the call, asked with surprise, “What happened?!” since what she heard me saying on the phone was so different from what I told her I was about to say.

And I told her, “I think the Holy Spirit just changed what I was going to say.” It wasn’t even that I sensed the Holy Spirit saying, “hey, you shouldn’t say this,” and that I made a decision to obey – he just straight up decided to intervene.

I was so filled with gratitude and so humbled, even surprised, that he was willing to do that. It was such a clear experience of the peace of Christ ruling, the love of Christ controlling, the Spirit of God living in and through me – the promises of resurrection life going from promise to reality in a situation that I could not handle in my flesh.

Through surrendering and receiving, through oneness with Christ, we receive not just the benefits of Jesus like love, joy, and peace, but the person and presence of Jesus himself! As he says in John 15, ‘abide in me, and I in you’ – so that his words, his thoughts, his will, and even his emotions will abide in us in the place of our own.

When we are surrendered to the point of death, then we can receive every benefit of resurrection life – including the presence of Jesus fully living in and through us.

Receive Resurrection Power

Lastly, in surrender he not only gives us the fullness of resurrection life, but the fullness of resurrection POWER for the sake of the Great Commission.

In 2 Corinthians 12, the thorn is so painful that Paul pleads with Jesus three times to take it away. But he doesn’t. Just like the Father did not take the cup from Jesus in the Garden when he pleaded three times. Instead, this is Jesus’ response:

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

‘My grace is sufficient for you.’ This would be enough, wouldn’t it? He will give us sufficient grace to deal with the suffering, with the thorn, with the trial.

But there’s a second part: ‘for my power is made perfect in weakness.’

I had always understood this verse as comfort for suffering. But the verse doesn’t make sense if it’s just about Jesus’ comfort in our suffering. Why is power made perfect in weakness? Why is power given in weakness and not comfort, or peace, or hope?

It’s because the purpose of the thorn and of the weakness is to cause surrender that results in receiving resurrection POWER in order to move forward in the ministry that God has given to us. Throughout the rest of 2nd Corinthians, Paul boasts in his weakness because it’s in the weakness of suffering that the power of Jesus is manifested for Paul to pursue the calling and ministry he’s been given. ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong.‘

We need to reframe our perspectives from trying to control situations around us through our self, to receiving His power that comes in our weakness. We are so tied to our control and self and our ideas that we don’t even know what living in power looks like.

In ministry and leadership in Thailand, I have experienced a constant lack of power. I feel lack in so many situations – wisdom for the right decision, courage to enter into hard conversations, physical energy to do ministry, focus to pray as I know I need to, or even power to change someone’s heart to obey Jesus.. All of this lack is because I am the one trying to control and achieve these things.

We cannot do the work of God without the power of God!

Do you need wisdom? Surrender and receive. You can actually receive the right answer from the Spirit and have the confidence that He has given it to you.

Are you lacking in patience and love for a difficult person? Surrender and receive. He can give you his own patience and love towards that person, giving you even his own emotions and thoughts and will towards them that overrides what you might feel or think!

Do you need strength to sustain you? Surrender and receive. His yoke is easy and his burden is light, and we can actually receive physical strengthening in our bodies and feel tiredness and burden melt away and be replaced with lightness and energy!

Do you lack power to fight sin and live in holiness? Surrender and receive. Receive a changed heart from Jesus that doesn’t even desire to sin, where temptation has no pull because of an intense satisfaction and fulfillment from being one with him.

In Acts 1:8, Jesus gave the disciples the task of reaching the whole world, but said WAIT – the Spirit of power will come. Surrender your control, and in weakness, receive his power!

The Spirit of power lives in you. He waits for your yielding, waits to pour out one hundred fold more power than you’ve ever experienced. The power that came at Pentecost that sparked the movement of the Global Church for 2000 years is waiting to be released from within you. If we will ever have a hope to complete this Great Commission, to see 3.3 billion unreached peoples have access to the gospel, we can have nothing less than this power of the resurrection that that Paul had, that Hudson Taylor had. It’s available. Surrender your control and receive his power.  

Suffering will come, whether big or small, for all of us. But for goers and missions leaders in particular on the front lines of opposition to the enemy – it will come for sure. We were at a gathering for returned goers in the States, and the first few people we met had experienced uncommon suffering: one person had a stroke right before they launched, another had a virus on the field that left them with facial paralysis, another had been kicked out of their country 2 weeks before, and way too many people in their 30s had cancer, cancer, and cancer.

For all believers, and particularly those on the mission field, we need to understand that there is a lesson in suffering – God is bringing you to a place of surrender. And in that place, your abiding and fruitfulness will multiply.

Those that are sure to encounter this suffering and need to access this abiding and power are the national believers that pursue multiplication among the unreached. One of our most fruitful Thai partners is Talia, but in the midst of her ministry beginning to multiply, she found out she had cancer. You can read more about Talia’s story, here.

God had similar lessons to teach Talia in the midst of her suffering. This past year, even though she’s been healed from cancer, Talia has still been given a thorn – struggling with thyroid issues and needing to take treatment that has basically kept her at home most of the year. Jenn and Talia were texting frequently, encouraging each other in the things that God was teaching them, and it has brought us so much closer to her and her family.

We asked Talia, ‘What has God been showing you through this season of sickness?’

She said, one night, God woke her up in the middle of the night and said – ‘write this one word down.’

ยอม

ยอม in Thai means – surrender. The one lesson that God wanted to teach her was surrender.

She said, “I have to trust the timing of God. I can’t control anything – my health, ministry, covid – I can only pray and trust that God is in control of everything. But I’ve experienced the presence of God constantly and in a new way. I feel him most closely during the most difficult and painful times with the medicine.

“I know that God wants me to use the testimony of my life to lead others to him. He will use my weakness and help me to obey him, to serve him with fullness.”

‘But I believe God is preparing us for fruitfulness to come. This season has shown us we need to be committed to movements 100%. And I am waiting for the timing of God for us to be together – Covid will be cleared, we will be healed, and we will celebrate the goodness of God together.”

Do you desire a deeper abiding? Do you desire to see resurrection life and power flow in and through you? The one word is surrender.

What could God do with a group of people who are absolutely surrendered to him, and who are receiving his resurrection life and power? Could a people filled with the Spirit of Resurrection Power complete the Great Commission in our lifetime?

Our hope for these posts is that the Spirit would point you towards a greater reality and desire for abiding from some of the lessons we’ve learned this past year. If we had to answer the question – why did God have us go through cancer? Our answer would be that He wanted us to learn this lesson, and He wanted us to share this lesson with others.

We’ll list at the end a few of the books and Scriptures that were critical in guiding us towards these lessons, but if I were to recommend just one, it’d be Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray. It’s a short read and probably the most impactful book I’ve ever read about life in Christ. And these posts are largely built on the foundations of learning about Union with Christ.

Surrender the Self

Jenn’s main point from the first post is that in order to abide more deeply in Jesus, we have to come to a place of surrender. Sometimes, he uses suffering to bring us to surrender. 

What do we need to surrender? Jesus calls us to surrender the ‘self.’ He says in Luke 9, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.’ Deny your SELF, and follow him.

To abide, we must first surrender the self. Self-will, self-reliance, self-comfort, self-confidence.

And when we surrender our selves, we can then receive resurrection life and resurrection power in Jesus that is more amazing and glorious and rich than we could have ever imagined.

God brought us to the book of 2nd Corinthians to learn the lessons that He had for us in this season. It’s what I read through in the hospital when Jenn was in her 8 hour brain surgery. The ESV commentary describes the theme of 2nd Corinthians as ‘the relationship between suffering and the power of the Spirit in Paul’s apostolic life, ministry, and message.’

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Most of us know this as the passage about Paul’s thorn. Throughout 2 Corinthians, Paul is making an argument about the legitimacy of his apostleship and ministry. His opponents argued that Paul had suffered too much to be a legitimate apostle. But Paul says that his suffering is the very means of identification with Christ and the way that resurrection power comes through his life.

In the first part of chapter 12, Paul’s talking about these revelations he had 14 years before where he was literally exposed to paradise, to the direct presence of God, hearing such amazing things that he can’t even repeat them. That sounds awesome.

But then here comes the self. From those visions, there was the temptation to become conceited. ‘I must be special, or better than others, because of these revelations that God gave me.’

Pride is at the heart of every sin of self. It’s a belief that we did something or deserve something apart from God. Andrew Murray says, ‘Religious self-effort always ends in sinful flesh.’

And some of these insidious thoughts of pride creep in, even in and especially concerning the things that we do for God:

‘My team is doing really well because I’m a gifted leader.’
‘My family is really healthy because I’m such a good parent and spouse.’
‘I’m a better Christian than those people because I don’t struggle with these sins.’
‘God needs me to uphold this ministry, and we’re seeing success because of my gifts and hard work.’

We would never say these things out loud. We might not even actively think them. But if we’re being honest, our self and our pride believes that we accomplished things apart from God.

There was so much pride and self effort that I didn’t even know I had, so much sin that was embedded with how I thought and operated that I didn’t even know I needed to repent of it. Cancer brought all of these things to the top. 

Overnight, we went from leading a thriving, multiplying team and ministry to not being able to do anything apart from Him at all. No amount of self-effort would heal my wife’s cancer. We were taken out from our ability to do ministry, to lead. Our capacity and strength and emotions and giftings all completely failed in the face of death. I foolishly found myself asking the question, “Why did God take us out from our team and ministry when we are the ones holding all of this up?” I didn’t even realize I was believing this lie of pride and self until we were forcibly removed, with no power to change any of it.

Like Paul, suffering brought us to a point of weakness. It was that weakness that revealed this conceitedness and entitlement that we had. We had pride that we’re good leaders, or that we’re seeing fruit in Thailand, or that we run hard in ministry. That our giftings and efforts made those things happen.

Weakness shows you who you really are. 

Surrender through Grief

Jenn and I had been meeting with our counselor regularly to help us process the things we were going through in this season. She recommended some exercises to help us grieve the things we’ve lost from this cancer season and even the last 7 years on the field, and to offer them to the Lord. I thought I could knock it out in 3-4 hours. 

It took me 3 days.

The beginning of the process was to protest: all the things that were wrong and all the emotions that I felt. I was angry – so angry – and disappointed and anguished, and I unloaded everything at God.

The pain of cancer, 
the fear of Jenn dying, 
the loss of teammates leaving the field, 
the disappointment at disunity in our team and organization, 
the rage at racism and hypocrisy in the church, 
the loneliness and burden of 7 years of leadership on the field, 
the lament that our Thai friends endured such hardship and trial, 
and most of all, how far I still felt from holiness and complete abiding.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, I tried to release these things to Jesus – but I couldn’t bring myself to surrender this massive well of pain, anger, and loss.

All I could do was just write the words down:
‘God, I repent of the pride I have in my ministry.’ 
‘God, I surrender the complete helplessness I feel with Jenn’s cancer.’

And as I wrote, I felt the gentle presence of the Spirit. Tears began to flow down and drop onto the paper where I was writing.

And he brought me to repentance, forgiveness, and surrender. 

It took unloading all the pain and grief and burden and helplessness that came from going through cancer and 7 years of leadership on the field for me to realize – I have not surrendered the self. My pride and desire to control continually got in the way of truly surrendering the self and receiving from Jesus all that I needed.

I had no power and no control over cancer or ministry, no way to live or serve without my pride and self getting in the way. The only answer was completely surrendering to Him. We had to put everything on the table. Being in Thailand, our roles, our leadership, our lives, how long Jenn and I would get to have together, all of it.

“God, I surrender all of these things and all of my self to you. Show me what you want me to receive and where you want me to follow you, and we will do only that.”

After 3 days of this, I was completely exhausted. But I began to feel a new freedom and lightness that has persisted since that time. All this pride and sin and self was blocking my intimacy with him, blocking my abiding. He began to remind us of who we are in him, not what other people say we are, not what cancer prognoses say we are. He was showing us that there is much, much more life and power in Jesus that he wants us to receive.

This pride of self is what Jesus wants to release you from. And he’ll even bring a thorn to bring you to the end of yourself, to remind you of your weakness and your need for him. He wants you to surrender your whole self to him.

In Absolute Surrender, Andrew Murray asks: 

How do we trust Him perfectly? How do you abide?

By the death of self. The great hindrance to trust is self effort. So long as you have got your own wisdom and thoughts and strength, you cannot fully trust God. But when God breaks you down, when everything begins to grow dim before your eyes, and you see that you understand nothing, then God is coming near, and if you will bow down in nothingness and wait upon God, He will become all.

Surrender to the Point of Death

Why does Jesus go so far to bring us to weakness and surrender?

We see why in 2 Corinthians 4:

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

The thorn, the afflictions, the weakness are there to bring us to surrender our selves to the point of death. So that the life of Jesus may be manifested in us. So that we could experience the fullness of resurrection life and union with Christ right now. 

And He will let nothing get in the way of bringing us to this point of surrender.

One of the hardest days of this past season for me was near the beginning. We were still reeling from everything that had happened and had just arrived in the States and were getting ready for Jenn’s surgery. 

We were trying to believe the promises, trying to prepare our hearts for what was coming. I actually felt like I was in a pretty peaceful and surrendered place.

Then, one afternoon, we got the call from our neurosurgeon that the scans were showing that there were some Grade 3 cells in Jenn’s tumor. 

It felt like the bottom fell out.

I remember being on the phone trying to hold it together, but felt my heart sink into my stomach.

The average survival rate for people with a Grade 3 oligodendroglioma is 3.5 years.

I was overcome with numbness because of the significance of the fear that I felt about losing my wife in less than 5 years.

I don’t remember most of the rest of that day. I tried to pray and surrender and just couldn’t. Jenn had a phone call with her sister at night and I remember the only option I had was to turn on some worship music.

That night was the most intense and intimate time of worship and abiding with Jesus that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I was just sitting in his presence, weeping, and singing hymns of Jesus’ victory over death and the love of the Father in the midst of suffering. The hymn that was a continual comfort was ‘Abide with Me.’

Abide with me
Fast falls the eventide
The darkness deepens
Lord with me abide
When other helpers fail
And comforts flee
Help of the helpless abide with me

I fear no foe
With Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight
Tears lose their bitterness
Where is thy sting death
Where grave thy victory
I triumph still abide with me

And as I was sitting in the intensity of his love, I started to realize that if Jesus would meet me with the nearest intimacy I have ever felt through the reality of my worst fear – the loss of my wife – then what else could affect me? No matter what happens, I am secure because I have Jesus.

Even if he takes Jenn away, even if our ministry in Thailand gets crushed, even if my own personal health is affected – whatever my greatest fear, Jesus is enough. Jesus is better than all of it. 

In the face of death, in the worst possible scenario, when the most important thing in your life is about to be taken away – he meets us with his presence. And his presence is our joy, and it is so rich and intense that you truly feel that you don’t need anything else.

When you are faced with that moment of death to self, and you are able to surrender and trust him completely – it unlocks the ability to surrender everything else in your life. There is no suffering, or failure, or betrayal, or conflict, or sickness, or opposition that has victory over us when we have surrendered to the point of death. Death was destroyed on the Cross, and Jesus will come again to destroy it completely at his return.

Surrendering the self to the point of death unlocks resurrection life and power in Jesus.

Hudson Taylor, in 1870, lost his wife to sickness just a year after he learned about the experience of union with Christ in 1869. He says this in a letter following her death:

“No language can express what [Christ] has been and is to me. Never does he leave me; constantly does he cheer me with his love. 

Often I find myself wondering whether it is possible for her, who is taken, to have more joy in his presence than he has given me.”

That is the type of resurrection life and abiding that I want, and it is available for all of us.

But surrender, dying to self has to happen first. Death always precedes resurrection life.

In the last post, we’ll talk about the result of surrendering the self to the point of death – receiving resurrection life and power in Christ.

Questions for Reflection

1. Where do you have pride of self in your life or ministry? (You can use Tim Keller’s questions for identifying idols from Counterfeit Gods – what does your imagination, money, disappointment, and emotion center around?)
2. What is your greatest fear? Have you surrendered even that fear to Jesus? Are you able to say, like Job, ‘Though he slay me, yet I will trust him’ (Job 13:15)?
3. What burdens, losses, and pain have you left unresolved and unprocessed? Where do you need to grieve, lament, and release these things to God?

My Story

Learning about Union with Christ was critical in sustaining us through our first years of life and ministry in Thailand. But through this past year, God has been teaching me a precious but difficult lesson – that there is MORE to receive in our abiding and in union.

But my pride and my flesh keep me from truly surrendering to him. And this limits how abundantly I can receive from him.

Over a year ago in March 2021, when we were on a trip to train Thai church planters in Northeastern Thailand, Steven and I were resting in a hotel when suddenly Steven noticed I had begun to mutter. He couldn’t understand what I was saying and called my name several times when suddenly I stood up.

Steven reached me right in time to catch me as I collapsed and suffered multiple grand mal seizures. 

Six hours later, I woke up in the ICU, intubated and with no memory of how I had gotten there. I panicked and my first instinct was to reach up and pull the tube out of my mouth, only for me to realize that I had been tied down to the bed. Thankfully, Steven was there to explain to me what had happened. He was very calm, despite the fact that he had just watched me seize and pass out without any guarantee that I would wake up. 

He very gently explained that I was in a hospital and that while I was unconscious, a CT scan had revealed a 5 centimeter brain tumor in my right forebrain. We needed to go back to America as soon as possible for medical treatment. I’d have to get surgery, and who knows what else and for how long. We needed to leave Thailand and entrust our team and our ministry to God. 

Deep within me, I felt the Spirit and my flesh at war. In my flesh, I was terrified and so anxious – What is happening? Am I going to die? Will I be permanently affected or disabled? Will Steven be OK? What’s going to happen to our teams and our Thai friends? 

A kind nurse had given me a pad of paper to write on. With tears in my eyes, I wrote, “I’m scared.”

But even as I wrote those words, I felt the Holy Spirit come alive within me. In my deepest fear and hopelessness, his love was nearer to me than I had ever experienced, and he put a promise in my mind that has served as my theme for this whole last year. It comes from Philippians 3.

Paul says:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection that I may share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible, I might attain the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:10

Over the course of the year, I have been learning what God meant for me in that verse. That to receive more of Christ, to truly have continuous deep intimacy with him, I must fully surrender and die to myself – even if suffering is the means to do so. 

The Breaking Point

We came back to the States in April 2021, and God provided for us in so many ways. I had an amazing medical team, the surgery went really well, and they got the whole tumor removed. But after the surgery, my doctor called and told me that I would need to stay longer than expected because pathology results showed that this tumor was high-grade and cancerous. I would need further treatment of radiation and chemotherapy. And we would not be going back to Thailand. 

All of a sudden, our lives and ministries were forced to take an indefinite pause as we focused all our efforts toward fighting brain cancer. And although God was with us in so many ways, inside me I still felt so much turmoil and pain. 

I vividly remember one day where I was trying to pray. I was recovering from a surprise case of extremely painful shingles, a side effect of my medication.

I had never felt more alone.

As much as they tried, my friends and family could never truly understand what I was going through. I became resentful toward them and started isolating myself.

I felt helpless, and I couldn’t even trust my own mind, because the cancer was in my own brain.

I was trying to surrender and muster up faith for the medical journey to come. But instead, I devolved into rage. I was so angry with God and unleashed all my frustration and doubt and pain and sorrow at him. 

“ME!? Why ME? I do so much for you. I’ve given everything to serve you! And still you take! All you do is take!”

Jesus’ answer came almost immediately:

“I want to go deeper with you. I want all of you. I love you.” 

And my anger disappeared and my pride deflated like a balloon. Jesus wasn’t taking from me – he was trying to show me how much more of his love he wanted me to experience! But it was only after he brought me to the end of myself that God was able to show me where my heart was not yielded. And he wanted those things out so that he could fill those places with himself.

I had nothing to offer him but brain cancer. 

But these are the lengths of suffering that our loving Father was willing to bring me through to obtain true surrender and intimacy with him.

Suffering Leads to Surrender

Lilias Trotter, one of the first women goers to North Africa, wrote this prayer in her book, Parables of the Cross:

“May God show us every withholding thread of self that needs breaking still.”

Lilias Trotter, Parables of the Cross

God used this past season of suffering and cancer to bring me to a level of surrender that I didn’t even think was possible. It wasn’t enough that I had quit my job, moved to Thailand, and lived the goer life overseas. Deep in my heart, there were still huge parts of myself that God needed to break. 

As cancer brought me low, I learned how weak I really am. How nothing was actually ever in my power or control. I had been taking for granted the gifts that God had given me and was calling them mine. My life, my timeline, my giftings, my ministry. And in weakness and suffering, God was telling me, “Those things are mine to carry. Just give them to me.”

Even though I always knew the “right answer” was that God is in control of my life and of every part of ministry, deep down there were still parts of me that believed I was the answer, that I was in control, and that results happened because of my ability. That if I just set agendas and expectations, then more or less, my plans would come to fruition. One specific way that this came to the surface was the importance I imagined I had in leading our team. As new 25-year-old team leaders, we jumped head first into every problem, conflict, and issue that came up on our team. I would think to myself, ‘if I don’t fix this, it’s going to be catastrophe for everyone.’ In some ways, my intentions were good. I wanted to be a good leader and to make sure the team didn’t struggle. But over time, that desire warped into, ‘only I can solve these issues. These people and this work need me.’ I was putting myself into a position that God alone should occupy.

But cancer suddenly and painfully removed me from ‘being the answer’ for our team. Unable to communicate with teammates or lead in ministry, I was left with no other option but to surrender our team, our work, and more specifically, my self-importance as a leader, to Jesus. Through my helplessness in cancer, he was asking me: ‘Do you trust that the team and ministry belong to me, and that I will direct and guide them in the best way – even without you?’

In having my role ripped away, God was revealing deep roots of pride. Acts 17 says:

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else.

Acts 17:24-25

God himself gives life and breath. My so-called abilities and leadership that I was so proud of, at the end of the day, still depended on whether or not it pleased God to give me breath and health to even operate. With that perspective, things that used to consume my thoughts and energy like people’s opinions of me or always making the right decisions, just stopped mattering as much.

Absolute surrender means that what I do, how I do it, and the outcome and timing is completely dependent on what God has for me, not what I think is best or what I desire to do. It means, realizing truly that God actually is who he says he is, eternal and powerful and responsible for the work of bringing his own glory to the nations. My role is not to be necessary or to fix all the problems, but to simply be his child and follow where He tells me.

Through cancer, He caused me to surrender these things and be free of the burden and weightiness they bring. But to get to this point, I needed the suffering to strip everything away in order to begin to see how much better and how much worthier Jesus was in comparison. 

In her book, A Path Through Suffering, which we read through daily in the weeks leading up to my surgery, Elisabeth Elliot defines suffering very simply:

Suffering is having what you don’t want, and wanting what you don’t have.

Elisabeth Elliot

While your suffering may not look like mine in the form of cancer, I can guarantee that at some point, you will have something you don’t want, or want something you don’t have. These suffering moments, both “big” and “small”, are when we most realize our limits. They give us a lens to understand that our ways and our abilities are never enough in comparison to Jesus. That we must die to ourselves completely. 

It is a merciful Father who strips us when we need to be stripped…He is not finished with us yet, whatever the loss we suffer, for as we lose our hold on visible things, the invisible becomes more precious – where our treasure is, there will our hearts be.

Elisabeth Elliot

Suffering leads us to surrender.

Surrender Prepares Us To Receive From God

And surrender prepares us to receive from God. Paul shows us this in Philippians 3: 

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection that I may share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible, I might attain the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:10

According to Paul, suffering leads us to surrender to the point of death, like Jesus. Only then are we prepared to receive resurrection life.

Death to self is nothing less than what Jesus himself did. With total submission to the Father, His death was death on a cross for our sins. We can trust him with our surrender, because he did the same for us.

And out of that death, he received resurrection life. Surrender prepares us to receive from God.

Here is what Andrew Murray says about the link between surrender and receiving:

“…Here is the path to the higher life: down, lower down! Just as water always seeks and fills the lowest place, so the moment God finds men abased and empty, His glory and power flow in to exalt and to bless.”

– Andrew Murray, Humility

When Jesus told me, “I want to go deeper with you,” on the day of my breakdown, he was actually saying he had so much more blessing for me. More power and more glory! But for me to receive, I needed to surrender all. 

When I went in for brain surgery, the doctors told me their goal was to aggressively cut out every tumor cell that was trying to kill me. In the same way, God was performing a spiritual surgery. Cutting out idols of ministry success, control, and expectations of long life with Steven.

With those out, I could then receive his unconditional love for me, security in His will, and gratitude for each new breath that I have.

Trust him with your full surrender.

Because the other side of surrender is true abiding. 

The other side of surrender is intimacy with Christ. 

The other side of surrender is resurrection life and power! 
Absolute surrender prepares us to receive all from God. When we are surrendered, we are finally low enough and emptied enough to even begin to receive all that God desires to give us.

How Do You Surrender?

In order to fully abide, you must surrender all. You must learn that the gateway into abiding starts by telling God the dreaded words, “I give up. I can’t do it. So you must.” 

As a military term, to surrender means to yield yourself to the possession or power of another. Surrendering in these situations means giving up control and entrusting your fate to another, likely an enemy. But thankfully in our case, we are not yielding to an enemy. We yield to our best friend who knows us, who loves us, and who never withholds. 

I have experienced firsthand how difficult and painful surrender can be. But your good Father is waiting on the other side. He is poised and ready to bless you! And as you practice surrendering, here are some things to consider. 

1. Learn The Lesson in Suffering

A friend previously shared with me that it seemed like her friends in full-time ministry seemed to experience suffering more painfully and more often than others. Because of this, she was afraid to surrender more to Jesus because of the suffering that might follow. Even though this may be true, this statement makes me so sad. Jesus is better than any suffering we might endure. May we rejoice when we are counted worthy to suffer for his name. 

In the gospels, Jesus guarantees to his disciples that, “in this world, you will have troubles. But take heart, I have overcome the world!” Suffering is guaranteed for the life of a disciple. It’s not something we are actively looking for. But when you encounter pain and suffering, my encouragement for you is that you would not waste those opportunities. And these opportunities come each and every day for us. 

As you go through it, as much as you can, try to learn the lessons in suffering that God gives, to surrender and receive from him. Surrender your pain, your timeline, your expectations, your results. And wait and see what the Lord does.

2. Make weakness your aim. 

Elizabeth Elliot says, “the experience of weakness puts us in the position of seeking another’s strength.”

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I have a harder time accepting the fact that I am weak and unable, more than I do the idea that I will need to suffer. There is something in us that cannot accept uncertainty, failure, or powerlessness. But apart from Christ, that IS our constant state. Much like in suffering, God uses weakness to drive us toward humility and dependence on him. 

Don’t run away from situations you can’t control. Don’t grit your way through difficult circumstances. Embrace situations where you can be weak. These are opportunities to learn greater surrender and to call upon God to be your strength! It is okay to be weak because Christ is strong.

We often quote Hudson Taylor as a good example of someone who lived out of union life. But even Hudson Taylor would still struggle with weakness – but instead of trying to will his way out of hard situations, he would realize those were times to draw near to and draw from God. Whenever he felt himself weak or overwhelmed, he would very simply pray, “God, I thirst.” 

Sometimes, he would pray this 20 times a day! “God, I thirst.” And by acknowledging his thirst, his weakness, Hudson Taylor was able to experience deep comfort from God.

Paths of Righteousness

I want to conclude with an encouragement from Psalm 23. This is a popular one, full of the promises of God. The Lord is our shepherd, he will lead us to green pastures, and he will make us lie beside still waters. But there is a disturbing verse right in the middle: 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. 

Psalm 23:4

Why are we talking about death in the middle of one of the most uplifting Psalms? A teammate pointed out to me that perhaps it is actually connected with the previous verse – “He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” 

After this past year, I am convinced that the good shepherd’s path of righteousness includes the valley of the shadow of death. 

And yet even there, we do not fear evil because he is with us the entire way.

The end of Psalm 23 is beautiful. David starts the Psalm speaking about God in the third person – He makes me lie down, he leads me, he restores. But in and after the valley of the shadow of death, David changes his language and speaks to God directly. You are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me. You prepare a table for me. 

David’s language changes from the distant ‘he’ to the personal you, because David has walked through death and seen his good shepherd with him the whole way. This is why David has the confidence to say, surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. Before the valley, David said he shall not want…but after the valley, his cup overflows. These promises are ours to receive, if we would walk with him through every path of righteousness, even the ones that feel like death. 

As you pursue deeper abiding through surrender, I hope that this Psalm is a comfort for you. That in suffering, in exhaustion, in the deepest valleys, in the lowest points of surrender, your good shepherd Jesus is with you. And even the valley of the shadow of death is his to use as he guides you on the path of righteousness.

Don’t fear suffering. Don’t fear surrender. He is with you, and he desires to go deeper in abiding with you until your cup overflows.

Questions For Reflection

If you feel the Spirit pushing at you in any way, my encouragement with you is to stop and listen. Listen to his voice. Tell him that you desire deeper abiding. Examine yourself and the places where you are not surrendered. Here are some questions that you might bring to him:

• Where have I been self reliant or prideful? 
• Where am I afraid to suffer or to be weak?
• What situations am I going through that make me anxious, afraid, or angry? 
• Where have I let ministry come between me and God?
• Where have I not forgiven? 

If you’re walking through a season of difficulty or suffering, we’d love to hear from you, encourage you, and pray for you. Please reach out at contact@missionsleaders.com.

In the next post, Steven will share about what is received out of absolute surrender – receiving resurrection life and power.

From time to time, we’ll update some about our personal lives and ministry here in Thailand. This past weekend, we had the opportunity to travel through the mountains to meet up with one of our closest Thai partners, Talia (name changed for security purposes).

We’re planning to post about our past season of cancer treatment, how we experienced Jesus in that, and the difficult lessons God was giving throughout all of it. Just 12 months ago, while Jenn was in the middle of cancer treatment, I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to continue in the ministry, return to Thailand, or what in the world God had in store for us. We were burnt out, battered, discouraged, lost at sea with no port to return to.

As we were taking the 3-hour drive through the mountains, it hit me that the last time I was taking this kind of drive was the day of Jenn’s seizures that revealed her brain tumor – March 19, 2021.

625 days.

625 days after the scariest day of our lives, He allowed us another opportunity to continue in what He has called us to.

625 days might not seem like a long time for some people, as it’s about 3 months shy of 2 years. And I’m sure it has been a long 2 years for many others. But it was the longest and most difficult 625 days that we’ve ever experienced, and we’re immensely grateful and humbled to be able to continue serving in the ministry we love, in the country we love, with the people we love.

We had such a great two days catching up with Talia! After 1.5 years apart, we got to share in beautiful mountain views, good coffee, and delicious Thai food. But more importantly, we shared with each other similar lessons that God had been teaching all of us through the past season of sickness and suffering.

Talia has an amazing story: after coming to faith, she was passionate about serving God and immediately participated in a church plant. After she got married to her husband John, they moved and eventually joined a church that ended up being a Christian cult. The pastor told them that they could not teach from the Bible, serve in the church, or generally do anything other than show up on Sundays if they were not ‘anointed,’ and the only people who were anointed were those that he picked who had given enough money to the ‘church’ (meaning: to him directly). After a few years trying to endure and acquiesce with the leader’s demands, Talia and her husband realized that what the pastor was saying didn’t line up with what the Bible was saying, and decided to leave that church. They left discouraged and worn out after struggling in that church for 3-4 years.

As they looked around online for another church, they got connected with one of the church planting leaders from the church network that we partner with, who invited Talia and John to one of our quarterly CPM trainings.

When Jenn and I met them, we didn’t know their backstory at all. They actually seemed quite skeptical, asking a lot of questions about obedience to the Word and who has authority in the church. Eventually, they invited me and Jenn to train them and a few other believers in their province, so we went to visit and train them about a month later.

Their demeanor towards us was totally different than the first time – and Talia especially seemed filled with passion and excitement. Our very first vision casting and training is from the Great Commission – that there are 4 commands (go, make disciples, baptize, teach them to obey), and 2 promises (Jesus has all authority, and he will be with us always). For me, I tend to receive the promise that Jesus will be with me as an encouragement. But with our Thai church planters, the promise they cling to is that Jesus has all authority. For Talia, hearing that Jesus has all authority and gives her the command to make disciples was like releasing a river that had been stopped up by a dam for 4 years. She was ready to GO.

Reports began coming in from their area of healings, demons being cast out, new believers coming to faith, new groups of believers formed. Talia was texting us with ministry reports from different areas all around her province and beyond. The next quarterly training we had, she brought along a team of 6 other people to join along.

At one point, Talia and John and their disciples were baptizing several new believers, and some of the members from the previous cult came to harass them. They said, ‘You’re not anointed! You’re not a pastor! Who says that you have the authority to baptize? This isn’t a real baptism.’

And Talia, who I imagine and believe was filled by the Holy Spirit with boldness, replied: ‘The Bible says that Jesus has all authority and that he has given us authority to make disciples and to baptize them in his name!’ And they continued with the baptism.

All seemed to be going well, but we weren’t able to visit Talia’s province for several months as it was one of the hardest hit by Covid restrictions in Thailand. When we reconnected with her at the end of 2020, we heard about multiple areas and multiple generations of churches being planted! But we also heard why we weren’t able to get in touch with her.

5 months before, she was diagnosed with cancer. She was given months to live by the doctor. She said she couldn’t even look at her two young children without breaking down, overwhelmed by the thought of leaving them without a mother and her husband without a wife. At one point, she told us that she had thought, “It’d be better for everyone if I just died. Then my family will get the life insurance money and I won’t have to deal with the suffering.” She said the only thing that kept her going during this time was that there were new believers coming to faith every week through her disciples.

As she hit her breaking point, she asked John to take care of the kids for a few days and locked herself in her office. And she described the experience of that 3 days as ‘the closest to heaven that I’ve ever been.’ She simply worshipped, read the Word, and prayed with Jesus – and surrendered the outcome of her health, life, family, and ministry to him.

3 weeks later, Talia’s sister, who is a nurse in Bangkok, asked her to come get checked up at one of the best hospitals in the country. And when they did the scans – the cancer was gone.

God had healed her.

As we listened to her story in that coffee shop, we rejoiced with her over the new brothers and sisters that had come to faith, cried together over the suffering she had been through, and planned together towards how to help the new streams of churches continue in health and fruitfulness.

But we didn’t get to follow through with any of those plans. A few months later in April 2021, we were being repatriated on a plane back to the States for surgery, radiation, and chemo. And Talia continued to struggle with debilitating health issues over the next year as the hardest spike of Covid closed down any ability to do ministry in person in Thailand for over a year. But as Talia and Jenn went through over a year of medical treatments, they were both texting and praying for each other and mutually encouraging through the lessons God was teaching them about surrendering in suffering.

None of us can guess at the timing of significant health problems hitting at the same time as Covid lockdown, effectively stunting an emerging work of multiplication. To be honest, the person I was 625 days ago might have worried about that. But experiencing a new freedom, a new humility, a newness of resurrection life from the breaking down of this past season has just given me gratitude that we get to be back in Thailand, serving God and pursuing the Great Commission with our Thai friends. And seeing Talia renewed with passion, faith, vision makes me confident that a powerful work of God is around the corner for Thailand.

When we saw Talia this past weekend, she said this: ‘Jenn – I believe that we were sick together, to encourage each other and understand each other, and now to be healed together. But now is a time for us to เริ่มต้นใหม่ – a time to start anew.’

625 days is just shy of two years for most people. But for Talia, Jenn, and myself, it’s a new start; God giving back to us our lives and the opportunity to do ministry.

Please continue to pray for Talia as she has lingering effects from the medical issues of the past season and will need to get a corrective surgery in about 3 months. Pray also for her disciples and churches in 5 different areas as they continue to move forward in a vision for multiplication!

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.

Philippians 1:21-26

The Missions Leaders blog exists to provide tools, insights, and resources for leaders in the missions world.

Who We Are and Our Story

We have been team leaders among the unreached for the past 8 years, and we want to pass on the lessons we’ve learned in how to thrive, develop, and lead others towards the vision that God has given.

After our parents immigrated from Hong Kong (Steven’s) and Taiwan (Jenn’s), they eventually landed in Austin, Texas, where we grew up. Somehow, even though we went to the same church youth group, piano teacher, elementary, middle, and high school, we didn’t become friends until we both started going to the University of Texas at Austin.

In college, we both went on a short-term trip to Thailand, where God opened our eyes to the reality of the unreached. We were sharing with a store owner in southern Thailand that we were there to tell people about Jesus, and he replied, “Who is Jesus?” He had not only never heard the gospel, but had never even heard the name of Jesus.

We started dating later that year, and throughout college, felt confirmed that we were supposed to pursue a role in long-term missions. At the same time, several of our best friends that we had grown up with and been college roommates with also felt the same, and we decided to go overseas together as a team.

After working in the tech industry and preparing with our church for overseas work, we launched to the field as newly-married, 25 year old team leaders over a team of 12 in Southeast Asia. Which was insane – not recommended. But through all the culture stress, conflicts and crises, and numerous failures, God continued to meet us with grace.

6 years after our launch, we had the privilege to see our initial team of 12 expand into 3 teams of 20+ total staff, coaching almost 50 national church planting teams in our country who are making disciples and multiplying churches.

In 2021, we had our lives turned upside-down when Jenn had sudden seizures on a coaching trip to visit church planters. She was diagnosed with brain cancer, and we returned to the US for surgery, radiation, and chemo. It has been an intense process of surrendering our futures, health, ability to do ministry, roles, and many other things, and receiving from God the things He wants us to focus on with the time He has given us.

One of the big realizations from this season of cancer and processing was that our time is limited, and we want to pass on the things we’ve learned from going through cancer and from leading on the field. (We wrote some posts about lessons from our cancer journey that you can read here: 1, 2, 3. Medically speaking, Jenn is doing really well but will be on observation for potential recurrences for the rest of her life.)

Why We Started This Blog

Our passion and calling is to see the Great Commission fulfilled through the multiplication of healthy churches throughout the world. Currently, there are still 3.3 billion unreached peoples represented in 7400+ unreached people groups.

We believe that every follower of Jesus has a part to play in this mission, and that leaders are the key to seeing this happen! But the lack of leaders is also the limiting bottleneck – there are very few well-prepared, well-developed, and well-coached missions leaders trying to take on this insurmountable task – we want to help!

We’re passionate about living out of our union with Christ, missions, leadership, men and women working together, identifying giftings and roles, and many other topics that this blog will explore. We like good food, travel, cute animals, sci-fi and fantasy books, and self-deprecating humor.

We hope the lessons and insights in this blog are helpful for established or aspiring leaders in the missions world, but also for all goers, senders, and Kingdom leaders of all types.

We want to help you! If you are an aspiring or established missions leader, we’d love to connect with you! Please visit our contact us page.

And most of all, our desire is that the words and thoughts shared here would be exalting and glorifying and honoring to our friend, Savior, and King, Jesus. He is the reason why we have life, why we do what we do, and he has been our Teacher and has been with us through all these things.