In our last two posts, we’ve defined what the “apostolic” is, and 5 essential elements of an apostolic leader. An apostolic leader needs to have all 5 elements of big vision, risking faith, foundation setting, leader developer, and surrender to God.

If you can find a clearly apostolically gifted, mature, national believer to partner with, that’s awesome! But, someone that gifted and experienced will likely already have many ministry responsibilities and it may take time to build trust with that leader in order to partner.

However, we are often looking for leaders with latent apostolic giftings that have not yet fully emerged. For one, I think apostolic leaders are relatively rare – there’s no research around this but talking to other CPM practitioners, generally the number is <10% of believers, if not <5%. Secondly, a fully mature apostolic leader is rarely available.

It may feel like trying to find the proverbial needle in a haystack. But our encouragement is this: It only takes one.

All it takes is one national ‘Paul,’ with the vision, faith, giftings, and surrender to catalyze a movement that will change the trajectory of a nation.

In the early 2000s, the president of Campus Crusade in Thailand, Pastor Nok, used his significant influence to gather 80% of the pastors in Thailand in a Congress to ask the question, “What will it take to complete the Great Commission in Thailand?” From that, they formed the National Plan to see the gospel go to every district and village in Thailand. The churches that our team currently work with came through introductions from leaders within the National Plan.

I asked one ex-pat worker who knew Pastor Nok well, “What is his story? How did he come to faith?” He told me that Pastor Nok was the first Thai Cru staff ever, and that he was led to faith by one American Cru staff member named Chip, who only managed to win and disciple one Thai person to faith in 10 years in Thailand. That was Pastor Nok.

It only takes one.

But how do you find that one? How do you discern if they have the elements to be an apostolic, multiplying leader? What do you do with them to develop them and help their gifting and vision emerge?

Barnabas: Recognizing Hidden Apostolic Potential

Out of anyone in Scripture, Paul was perhaps the most unlikely candidate to be transformed and used by Jesus for his purposes. Often the apostolic leader may emerge from the most unexpected of places. Barnabas saw the latent giftings in Paul – that he had a miraculous transformation from a persecutor of Christians to a chosen instrument to bring the gospel to the Gentiles (Acts 9:15), that he immediately and boldly shared the gospel with the Jews in the synagogue (Acts 9:20), and that he needed an advocate before the disciples in Jerusalem that didn’t trust him (Acts 9:27). Eventually, Barnabas spends a year with Paul in Antioch discipling others (Acts 11:26), likely identifying and developing Paul’s strengths, before the Holy Spirit sets them aside for the first journey in Acts 13.

When everyone else saw Paul’s evil background, Barnabas saw his new transformation and calling.

When everyone else didn’t trust who Paul said he was, Barnabas advocated for his faithfulness.

When opportunities arose for new ministry, Barnabas went to recruit Paul, developing his giftings and maturity.

And when the Holy Spirit called them to be set apart to start a new work in new places, Barnabas was beside Paul as he stepped fully into his giftings as an apostle.

We need to be like Barnabas, to have the eyes to see the potential in latent apostolic leaders, and the ears to hear from the Holy Spirit how to help them fulfill their calling.

Indicators of an Emerging Apostolic Leader

When we are looking for these apostolic leaders, we are certainly checking for the 5 essential elements. We’ll ask them questions like, what is your vision? How did you come to faith? What does your ministry look like? What obstacles are you running into? And we’re listening for big vision, willingness to risk, methods that look like multiplication or at least are different from the norm, leaders that they’ve developed, and signs of surrender. But a latent apostolic leader may not have had the chance to step into pioneering ministry, and therefore may not yet exhibit some of these elements. Apart from directly evaluating these 5 elements, we’ve observed some other hints of someone having an underlying apostolic gifting.

They don’t need to have all of these indicators, and just having one doesn’t mean that they are certainly apostolic leaders. But if you see some of these, it may be worth building trust and listening to the Holy Spirit about helping these leaders emerge into their calling and gifting.

Black Sheep – Often, latent apostolic leaders can be seen as black sheep that don’t fit the mold of their church. Other words could be non-conformist, oddball, contrarian. They are still part of the flock, still a sheep, but different from the rest. Sometimes church leaders don’t know what to do with this person who rocks the boat and may have a lot of new ideas that others aren’t willing to do. Whenever someone in Thailand tells me that another believer is interesting / weird / eccentric / not like the others – my radar immediately pops up. The latent apostolic leader is dissatisfied with the status quo, and it can cause friction with people in the church because their drive and desire is to pioneer, though they may not have personally clarified that vision yet.

Failed Entrepreneurs / Not Afraid to Start Things / Flexible Methodology – “failed entrepreneurs” was often a phrase that we were coached to look for in identifying apostolic leaders. That desire to set foundations, without a clear vision of their calling, can result in starting a lot of new businesses, ministries, and start ups. This boldness and risk-taking demeanor could be indicators of an apostolic leader. When we meet new leaders, we also want to see if they’re willing to be flexible in their methods or if they’re strongly tied to some kind of program or curriculum. If they’re willing to try new things to pioneer, that’s a good sign. If they’re wanting to simply grow their own ministry flavor, we would probably move on.

Anointed / Fruitful – Even before Paul started on his missionary journeys, he was faithfully sharing and discipling in Damascus, Jerusalem, and Antioch. He boldly and powerfully proclaimed the gospel and made disciples. Many times, we can meet a person that is saying all the right things – that they’re excited about multiplication, that they have a vision to pioneer – but the fruit of their lives doesn’t reflect that at all. It could be that they’ve never been empowered or equipped, and then there is an opportunity to help them live out that vision. But often, there is a lot of exciting talk without the actual faithfulness and fruitfulness indicative of a leader that God desires to use. Given the choice between someone who says the right things versus someone who has the fruitfulness of disciples and a godly life, I am taking the latter every time.

Character Immaturities – I’d imagine Paul was pretty rough around the edges when he first came to faith. Although he was certainly humbled by his Damascus road experience, there was still much of his old life – the prideful, highly positioned, well-known persecutor of Christians – that needed to be transformed. Though some of the disciples in Acts 9 were afraid of Paul, Barnabas came and advocated for him, eventually recruiting him and developing him into the minister to the Gentiles that he was called to be.

Similarly, a developing apostolic leader probably has some character immaturities that might be signs of opportunity. Sinclair says “self confidence, overassertiveness, and independence” along with stubbornness and overcontrol could be some character issues that an immature apostolic might struggle with. Miley adds impatience and being overextended in their commitments. You can see in these developing leaders the innate vision, passion, and drive to accomplish great things for God, but without the humility, testedness, and surrender needed for them to succeed. 

An immature apostolic has probably had many people in their church exhort them in their impatience and roughness, probably almost condescendingly so – “you’re young so you don’t get how things work.” “It’s nice that you have big goals and new ideas but we have to be realistic.” Increasingly they can balk against authority because of their internal conviction and what the Spirit is stirring up. When someone validates the vision they’ve received as well as challenges them to grow in their leadership to meet that vision, we’ve seen apostolic leaders respond with eagerness. There is a great opportunity for a Barnabas-type leader to say, “I see the potential in you and love your vision. I’d love to walk alongside you to help you grow in your ministry and your walk with God to see those things happen.”

Jack of All Trades / Multi-Gifted – For a yet developing apostolic that has started some new ministry, you may see that they are at least competent, if not gifted, to do many different types of ministry – evangelism, leader development, teaching, shepherding, mercy, administration, etc. In the pioneering environment, it may be necessary for an apostolic leader to play a lot of roles to get things started and God empowers them to do so. But the opposite pitfall for a multi-gifted leader is to hold on to control because they are so competent at so many things. Which leads us to…

Releasing Authority – The apostolic leader is willing and quick to release authority. As new disciples grow in their maturity and gifts, the apostolic leader is quick to empower every disciple to step into their authority to make disciples and serve God. Over control by leaders is a major barrier to multiplication. Apostolic leaders understand that they will play an important role of spiritual parent to many leaders, but they are also active in helping disciples step out in faith to grow in their dependence on God. If a leader expresses too much hesitation in letting disciples take simple steps of obedience like sharing the gospel or leading a discovery Bible study without them, that could be a barrier.

In coaching movement practitioners, identifying a national partner with apostolic gifting is one of the most complex and difficult parts of the process and something we get the most questions about. How do I know if it’s worth investing in this person? Should I spend more time with person A or person B?

Going out to share the gospel takes boldness but it’s relatively simple and straightforward – people are interested to know more about Jesus or they aren’t. But getting to know believers, building relationship with them, navigating language and culture, discerning their words, their actions, their vision, and their character is an art, not a science. It takes a lot of prayer, getting to know people, trying new things, and failing forward repeatedly before you might find someone. Sometimes, we’ve partnered with people for 3, 4, 5 years before it becomes evident that they are missing an essential element of an apostolic leader. And that’s OK. We don’t think of that time as wasted, but as time invested in trying to find a pioneering leader and learning what that might look like in our culture and mistakes to avoid. It’s also never a waste of time investing in local believers to grow in their disciple-making.

Hopefully, knowing the 5 essential elements and some of the potential indicators of a latent apostolic leader will help you in the process. Some practitioners we know met their apostolic partner in their first ever training – hooray for them, really. We were relatively fortunate and found our partner after about 3 years of ministry, 5 years in country. Some people we know took 10 years and hundreds of trainings and relationships to find their partner. It’s up to the timing of the Lord.

But remember – it only takes one.

Reflection Questions

1. Do you have a personal bias toward or against any of these indicators? Why?
2. Consider the local believers that you know. Do any of them display these indicators or essential elements?
3. Do you know local believers that seem to “say the right things” but lack demonstrated faithfulness and fruitfulness? Why do you suppose that is? How should you continue to engage with this believer?
4. Where are some networks or communities that you could build relationships to get to know potential apostolic leaders?

As we head into 2024, here are our top 5 most read posts of 2023!

1. Why Be Barnabas?
2. 625 Days and Talia’s Story
3. Lessons from Cancer: Suffering Leads to Surrender
4. Team Conflict
5. Lessons from Cancer: Surrender the Self to the Point of Death

We have a lot on deck for next year, including the last few posts for the Be Barnabas series, as well as other posts about personal and team thriving. In 2024, we hope to connect with even more missions leaders to learn from and share lessons with; we’d love to connect with you personally! Please reach out at contact@missionsleaders.com. We hope you have a great Christmas / New Year’s season!

We hope this poem from Amy Carmichael will encourage you to continue in the way of Jesus, even through all of the ups and downs.

Thy Way is Perfect by Amy Carmichael

Long is the way, and very steep the slope;
Strengthen me once again, O God of Hope.

Far, very far, the summit doth appear;
But Thou art near, my God, but Thou art near.

And Thou wilt give me with my daily food,
Powers of endurance, courage, fortitude.

Thy way is perfect; only let that way
Be clear before my feet from day to day.

Thou art my Portion, saith my soul to Thee,
Oh, what a portion is my God to me!

In this final post, we’ll talk about what resurrection life and power are, and what happens when we receive it.

Receive Resurrection Life

As I was reflecting on what God was trying to teach us through this past season in surrender and suffering, the terms ‘resurrection life’ and ‘fullness of union life’ kept coming up in the things we were reading and reflecting on. That experience of the intensity of his love on that Grade 3 day, the joy of his presence, the security and protection in him that not even cancer in my wife could touch – I started to think: what if we could experience that fullness all the time?

Andrew Murray says:

‘I come to you with God’s message that you can have no conception of what your life would be in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is too high and too blessed and too wonderful, but I bring you the message that the Holy Spirit can come into your heart with His divine power, and He may sanctify you and enable you to do God’s blessed will, and fill your heart with joy and with strength.’

Andrew Murray, Absolute Surrender

Think of a time when you felt the nearest to Jesus in your abiding. What did that feel like? What came out of it? How were your thoughts and feelings and even your will changed?

What if you could have that 10 times, 100 times more intensely and have it in every area of your life and ministry and all the time? This is the description of Hudson Taylor late in his life, after living out this union with Christ for decades of ministry in China.

Dwelling in Christ, he drew upon His very being and resources, in the midst of and concerning the matters in question. And this he did by an attitude of faith as simple as it was continuous. Yet he was delightfully free and natural. I can find no words to describe it save the Scriptural expression “in God.” He was in God all the time and God in him. It was that true “abiding” of John fifteen.

Hudson Taylor’s Spiritual Secret, emphasis added

What is meant by resurrection life? It is where believers live in the present reality of the resurrection; where the identity and benefits of restoration and redemption in Jesus are experienced by the believer. To me, it means that all the promises of Scripture are true, available, and fully experienced in my daily life and ministry, and not just nice ideas that will come in some distant and abstract future.

Wayne Grudem says, ‘Union with Christ is a phrase used to summarize several different relationships between believers and Christ, through which Christians receive every benefit of salvation.”

All throughout the writings from and about Hudson Taylor, you can see the marks of a person who lived as if Christ really purchased resurrection life for us. The New Testament is overflowing with verses about this type of life in Christ and the outcomes of it. Many times we can’t even imagine how these promises could exist in our own lives, or we are just completely unable to receive them until He brings us to the end of ourselves. Surrender the self to the point of death, in order to receive the fullness of these promises!

Below are just a fraction of the verses in the New Testament that talk about putting on Christ and Christ living through us as our new resurrection identity:

• Galatians 2:20 – I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
• Colossians 3:12-15 – Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
• Romans 13:14 – But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.
• 2 Corinthians 5:14, 17 – For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died… Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
• John 15:4 – Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.
• Philippians 3:8-9 – Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

And for those that put on Christ in faith, who surrender their selves to the point of death and receive identification with Christ fully, the outcome of resurrection life is richer and more fruitful than we can even imagine:

• John 15:1-17 – Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing…If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you...As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love….These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
• John 16:33 – I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.
• 2 Corinthians 9:8 – And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
• Philippians 4:11-13 – Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
• Ephesians 3:19-21 – To know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I wanted to put all these verses here for us to read and reflect on, in order to let Scripture explain resurrection life. Reading these verses brings these questions for us:

• Do we believe that Christ has purchased for us a new identity in him and that the promises related to this new identity are true?
• Do we experience these benefits of resurrection life on a daily basis without limit?

I know that I am not yet at the place where I’m experiencing his fullness at every moment of every day. When we recognize that we aren’t abiding, it’s an opportunity to surrender to Jesus in humility before we can receive these benefits.

But moments of this resurrection life are starting to emerge, more consistently and more powerfully than I’ve ever experienced before this past season of surrender.

I mentioned in the previous post that since the grieving retreat, there has been a lightness and freedom that has persisted since that time. Even through major crises and conflicts in the past season – a major shakeup on our team, the death of other goers with cancer, and painful conflicts – I have seen this freedom that comes with surrender guard my heart from anxiety and fear.

One of the starkest experiences of being literally compelled by Christ was in a difficult conflict. We were in a messy situation, and as with many messy situations, there was a misunderstanding and another worker accused me of doing something that I didn’t do, specifically attacking my character.

I remember sitting on the stairs in my apartment, about to take a phone call with this person, heart rate up and ready to defend myself since I “knew” myself to be right in this situation. I was ready to unleash all the ways this person had been difficult and divisive and let them know how they were wrong. In my heart, I knew that it was probably my pride and anger getting the best of me, but I felt justified to shoot back after being falsely accused.

As I picked up the phone, a strange thing happened. As I started talking to this person, the words and sentences that I was saying were not the ones I had planned to say. And the emotions I was feeling were not of defensiveness and anger, but of compassion, patience, and even love. It was so starkly different from what I was planning to say and what I had previously been thinking and feeling that it was almost like an out-of-body experience, watching someone that wasn’t me on the stairs having this phone call in the opposite way that I was intending to.

It was the first time that I think I’d ever felt what 2 Corinthians 5:14 describes – ‘for the love of Christ controls us, compels us.’ The Spirit decided to take matters into his own hands and change my words, thoughts, and even my emotions. Jenn was sitting in the next room and after the call, asked with surprise, “What happened?!” since what she heard me saying on the phone was so different from what I told her I was about to say.

And I told her, “I think the Holy Spirit just changed what I was going to say.” It wasn’t even that I sensed the Holy Spirit saying, “hey, you shouldn’t say this,” and that I made a decision to obey – he just straight up decided to intervene.

I was so filled with gratitude and so humbled, even surprised, that he was willing to do that. It was such a clear experience of the peace of Christ ruling, the love of Christ controlling, the Spirit of God living in and through me – the promises of resurrection life going from promise to reality in a situation that I could not handle in my flesh.

Through surrendering and receiving, through oneness with Christ, we receive not just the benefits of Jesus like love, joy, and peace, but the person and presence of Jesus himself! As he says in John 15, ‘abide in me, and I in you’ – so that his words, his thoughts, his will, and even his emotions will abide in us in the place of our own.

When we are surrendered to the point of death, then we can receive every benefit of resurrection life – including the presence of Jesus fully living in and through us.

Receive Resurrection Power

Lastly, in surrender he not only gives us the fullness of resurrection life, but the fullness of resurrection POWER for the sake of the Great Commission.

In 2 Corinthians 12, the thorn is so painful that Paul pleads with Jesus three times to take it away. But he doesn’t. Just like the Father did not take the cup from Jesus in the Garden when he pleaded three times. Instead, this is Jesus’ response:

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

‘My grace is sufficient for you.’ This would be enough, wouldn’t it? He will give us sufficient grace to deal with the suffering, with the thorn, with the trial.

But there’s a second part: ‘for my power is made perfect in weakness.’

I had always understood this verse as comfort for suffering. But the verse doesn’t make sense if it’s just about Jesus’ comfort in our suffering. Why is power made perfect in weakness? Why is power given in weakness and not comfort, or peace, or hope?

It’s because the purpose of the thorn and of the weakness is to cause surrender that results in receiving resurrection POWER in order to move forward in the ministry that God has given to us. Throughout the rest of 2nd Corinthians, Paul boasts in his weakness because it’s in the weakness of suffering that the power of Jesus is manifested for Paul to pursue the calling and ministry he’s been given. ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong.‘

We need to reframe our perspectives from trying to control situations around us through our self, to receiving His power that comes in our weakness. We are so tied to our control and self and our ideas that we don’t even know what living in power looks like.

In ministry and leadership in Thailand, I have experienced a constant lack of power. I feel lack in so many situations – wisdom for the right decision, courage to enter into hard conversations, physical energy to do ministry, focus to pray as I know I need to, or even power to change someone’s heart to obey Jesus.. All of this lack is because I am the one trying to control and achieve these things.

We cannot do the work of God without the power of God!

Do you need wisdom? Surrender and receive. You can actually receive the right answer from the Spirit and have the confidence that He has given it to you.

Are you lacking in patience and love for a difficult person? Surrender and receive. He can give you his own patience and love towards that person, giving you even his own emotions and thoughts and will towards them that overrides what you might feel or think!

Do you need strength to sustain you? Surrender and receive. His yoke is easy and his burden is light, and we can actually receive physical strengthening in our bodies and feel tiredness and burden melt away and be replaced with lightness and energy!

Do you lack power to fight sin and live in holiness? Surrender and receive. Receive a changed heart from Jesus that doesn’t even desire to sin, where temptation has no pull because of an intense satisfaction and fulfillment from being one with him.

In Acts 1:8, Jesus gave the disciples the task of reaching the whole world, but said WAIT – the Spirit of power will come. Surrender your control, and in weakness, receive his power!

The Spirit of power lives in you. He waits for your yielding, waits to pour out one hundred fold more power than you’ve ever experienced. The power that came at Pentecost that sparked the movement of the Global Church for 2000 years is waiting to be released from within you. If we will ever have a hope to complete this Great Commission, to see 3.3 billion unreached peoples have access to the gospel, we can have nothing less than this power of the resurrection that that Paul had, that Hudson Taylor had. It’s available. Surrender your control and receive his power.  

Suffering will come, whether big or small, for all of us. But for goers and missions leaders in particular on the front lines of opposition to the enemy – it will come for sure. We were at a gathering for returned goers in the States, and the first few people we met had experienced uncommon suffering: one person had a stroke right before they launched, another had a virus on the field that left them with facial paralysis, another had been kicked out of their country 2 weeks before, and way too many people in their 30s had cancer, cancer, and cancer.

For all believers, and particularly those on the mission field, we need to understand that there is a lesson in suffering – God is bringing you to a place of surrender. And in that place, your abiding and fruitfulness will multiply.

Those that are sure to encounter this suffering and need to access this abiding and power are the national believers that pursue multiplication among the unreached. One of our most fruitful Thai partners is Talia, but in the midst of her ministry beginning to multiply, she found out she had cancer. You can read more about Talia’s story, here.

God had similar lessons to teach Talia in the midst of her suffering. This past year, even though she’s been healed from cancer, Talia has still been given a thorn – struggling with thyroid issues and needing to take treatment that has basically kept her at home most of the year. Jenn and Talia were texting frequently, encouraging each other in the things that God was teaching them, and it has brought us so much closer to her and her family.

We asked Talia, ‘What has God been showing you through this season of sickness?’

She said, one night, God woke her up in the middle of the night and said – ‘write this one word down.’

ยอม

ยอม in Thai means – surrender. The one lesson that God wanted to teach her was surrender.

She said, “I have to trust the timing of God. I can’t control anything – my health, ministry, covid – I can only pray and trust that God is in control of everything. But I’ve experienced the presence of God constantly and in a new way. I feel him most closely during the most difficult and painful times with the medicine.

“I know that God wants me to use the testimony of my life to lead others to him. He will use my weakness and help me to obey him, to serve him with fullness.”

‘But I believe God is preparing us for fruitfulness to come. This season has shown us we need to be committed to movements 100%. And I am waiting for the timing of God for us to be together – Covid will be cleared, we will be healed, and we will celebrate the goodness of God together.”

Do you desire a deeper abiding? Do you desire to see resurrection life and power flow in and through you? The one word is surrender.

What could God do with a group of people who are absolutely surrendered to him, and who are receiving his resurrection life and power? Could a people filled with the Spirit of Resurrection Power complete the Great Commission in our lifetime?

Our hope for these posts is that the Spirit would point you towards a greater reality and desire for abiding from some of the lessons we’ve learned this past year. If we had to answer the question – why did God have us go through cancer? Our answer would be that He wanted us to learn this lesson, and He wanted us to share this lesson with others.

We’ll list at the end a few of the books and Scriptures that were critical in guiding us towards these lessons, but if I were to recommend just one, it’d be Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray. It’s a short read and probably the most impactful book I’ve ever read about life in Christ. And these posts are largely built on the foundations of learning about Union with Christ.

Surrender the Self

Jenn’s main point from the first post is that in order to abide more deeply in Jesus, we have to come to a place of surrender. Sometimes, he uses suffering to bring us to surrender. 

What do we need to surrender? Jesus calls us to surrender the ‘self.’ He says in Luke 9, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.’ Deny your SELF, and follow him.

To abide, we must first surrender the self. Self-will, self-reliance, self-comfort, self-confidence.

And when we surrender our selves, we can then receive resurrection life and resurrection power in Jesus that is more amazing and glorious and rich than we could have ever imagined.

God brought us to the book of 2nd Corinthians to learn the lessons that He had for us in this season. It’s what I read through in the hospital when Jenn was in her 8 hour brain surgery. The ESV commentary describes the theme of 2nd Corinthians as ‘the relationship between suffering and the power of the Spirit in Paul’s apostolic life, ministry, and message.’

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Most of us know this as the passage about Paul’s thorn. Throughout 2 Corinthians, Paul is making an argument about the legitimacy of his apostleship and ministry. His opponents argued that Paul had suffered too much to be a legitimate apostle. But Paul says that his suffering is the very means of identification with Christ and the way that resurrection power comes through his life.

In the first part of chapter 12, Paul’s talking about these revelations he had 14 years before where he was literally exposed to paradise, to the direct presence of God, hearing such amazing things that he can’t even repeat them. That sounds awesome.

But then here comes the self. From those visions, there was the temptation to become conceited. ‘I must be special, or better than others, because of these revelations that God gave me.’

Pride is at the heart of every sin of self. It’s a belief that we did something or deserve something apart from God. Andrew Murray says, ‘Religious self-effort always ends in sinful flesh.’

And some of these insidious thoughts of pride creep in, even in and especially concerning the things that we do for God:

‘My team is doing really well because I’m a gifted leader.’
‘My family is really healthy because I’m such a good parent and spouse.’
‘I’m a better Christian than those people because I don’t struggle with these sins.’
‘God needs me to uphold this ministry, and we’re seeing success because of my gifts and hard work.’

We would never say these things out loud. We might not even actively think them. But if we’re being honest, our self and our pride believes that we accomplished things apart from God.

There was so much pride and self effort that I didn’t even know I had, so much sin that was embedded with how I thought and operated that I didn’t even know I needed to repent of it. Cancer brought all of these things to the top. 

Overnight, we went from leading a thriving, multiplying team and ministry to not being able to do anything apart from Him at all. No amount of self-effort would heal my wife’s cancer. We were taken out from our ability to do ministry, to lead. Our capacity and strength and emotions and giftings all completely failed in the face of death. I foolishly found myself asking the question, “Why did God take us out from our team and ministry when we are the ones holding all of this up?” I didn’t even realize I was believing this lie of pride and self until we were forcibly removed, with no power to change any of it.

Like Paul, suffering brought us to a point of weakness. It was that weakness that revealed this conceitedness and entitlement that we had. We had pride that we’re good leaders, or that we’re seeing fruit in Thailand, or that we run hard in ministry. That our giftings and efforts made those things happen.

Weakness shows you who you really are. 

Surrender through Grief

Jenn and I had been meeting with our counselor regularly to help us process the things we were going through in this season. She recommended some exercises to help us grieve the things we’ve lost from this cancer season and even the last 7 years on the field, and to offer them to the Lord. I thought I could knock it out in 3-4 hours. 

It took me 3 days.

The beginning of the process was to protest: all the things that were wrong and all the emotions that I felt. I was angry – so angry – and disappointed and anguished, and I unloaded everything at God.

The pain of cancer, 
the fear of Jenn dying, 
the loss of teammates leaving the field, 
the disappointment at disunity in our team and organization, 
the rage at racism and hypocrisy in the church, 
the loneliness and burden of 7 years of leadership on the field, 
the lament that our Thai friends endured such hardship and trial, 
and most of all, how far I still felt from holiness and complete abiding.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, I tried to release these things to Jesus – but I couldn’t bring myself to surrender this massive well of pain, anger, and loss.

All I could do was just write the words down:
‘God, I repent of the pride I have in my ministry.’ 
‘God, I surrender the complete helplessness I feel with Jenn’s cancer.’

And as I wrote, I felt the gentle presence of the Spirit. Tears began to flow down and drop onto the paper where I was writing.

And he brought me to repentance, forgiveness, and surrender. 

It took unloading all the pain and grief and burden and helplessness that came from going through cancer and 7 years of leadership on the field for me to realize – I have not surrendered the self. My pride and desire to control continually got in the way of truly surrendering the self and receiving from Jesus all that I needed.

I had no power and no control over cancer or ministry, no way to live or serve without my pride and self getting in the way. The only answer was completely surrendering to Him. We had to put everything on the table. Being in Thailand, our roles, our leadership, our lives, how long Jenn and I would get to have together, all of it.

“God, I surrender all of these things and all of my self to you. Show me what you want me to receive and where you want me to follow you, and we will do only that.”

After 3 days of this, I was completely exhausted. But I began to feel a new freedom and lightness that has persisted since that time. All this pride and sin and self was blocking my intimacy with him, blocking my abiding. He began to remind us of who we are in him, not what other people say we are, not what cancer prognoses say we are. He was showing us that there is much, much more life and power in Jesus that he wants us to receive.

This pride of self is what Jesus wants to release you from. And he’ll even bring a thorn to bring you to the end of yourself, to remind you of your weakness and your need for him. He wants you to surrender your whole self to him.

In Absolute Surrender, Andrew Murray asks: 

How do we trust Him perfectly? How do you abide?

By the death of self. The great hindrance to trust is self effort. So long as you have got your own wisdom and thoughts and strength, you cannot fully trust God. But when God breaks you down, when everything begins to grow dim before your eyes, and you see that you understand nothing, then God is coming near, and if you will bow down in nothingness and wait upon God, He will become all.

Surrender to the Point of Death

Why does Jesus go so far to bring us to weakness and surrender?

We see why in 2 Corinthians 4:

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

The thorn, the afflictions, the weakness are there to bring us to surrender our selves to the point of death. So that the life of Jesus may be manifested in us. So that we could experience the fullness of resurrection life and union with Christ right now. 

And He will let nothing get in the way of bringing us to this point of surrender.

One of the hardest days of this past season for me was near the beginning. We were still reeling from everything that had happened and had just arrived in the States and were getting ready for Jenn’s surgery. 

We were trying to believe the promises, trying to prepare our hearts for what was coming. I actually felt like I was in a pretty peaceful and surrendered place.

Then, one afternoon, we got the call from our neurosurgeon that the scans were showing that there were some Grade 3 cells in Jenn’s tumor. 

It felt like the bottom fell out.

I remember being on the phone trying to hold it together, but felt my heart sink into my stomach.

The average survival rate for people with a Grade 3 oligodendroglioma is 3.5 years.

I was overcome with numbness because of the significance of the fear that I felt about losing my wife in less than 5 years.

I don’t remember most of the rest of that day. I tried to pray and surrender and just couldn’t. Jenn had a phone call with her sister at night and I remember the only option I had was to turn on some worship music.

That night was the most intense and intimate time of worship and abiding with Jesus that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I was just sitting in his presence, weeping, and singing hymns of Jesus’ victory over death and the love of the Father in the midst of suffering. The hymn that was a continual comfort was ‘Abide with Me.’

Abide with me
Fast falls the eventide
The darkness deepens
Lord with me abide
When other helpers fail
And comforts flee
Help of the helpless abide with me

I fear no foe
With Thee at hand to bless
Ills have no weight
Tears lose their bitterness
Where is thy sting death
Where grave thy victory
I triumph still abide with me

And as I was sitting in the intensity of his love, I started to realize that if Jesus would meet me with the nearest intimacy I have ever felt through the reality of my worst fear – the loss of my wife – then what else could affect me? No matter what happens, I am secure because I have Jesus.

Even if he takes Jenn away, even if our ministry in Thailand gets crushed, even if my own personal health is affected – whatever my greatest fear, Jesus is enough. Jesus is better than all of it. 

In the face of death, in the worst possible scenario, when the most important thing in your life is about to be taken away – he meets us with his presence. And his presence is our joy, and it is so rich and intense that you truly feel that you don’t need anything else.

When you are faced with that moment of death to self, and you are able to surrender and trust him completely – it unlocks the ability to surrender everything else in your life. There is no suffering, or failure, or betrayal, or conflict, or sickness, or opposition that has victory over us when we have surrendered to the point of death. Death was destroyed on the Cross, and Jesus will come again to destroy it completely at his return.

Surrendering the self to the point of death unlocks resurrection life and power in Jesus.

Hudson Taylor, in 1870, lost his wife to sickness just a year after he learned about the experience of union with Christ in 1869. He says this in a letter following her death:

“No language can express what [Christ] has been and is to me. Never does he leave me; constantly does he cheer me with his love. 

Often I find myself wondering whether it is possible for her, who is taken, to have more joy in his presence than he has given me.”

That is the type of resurrection life and abiding that I want, and it is available for all of us.

But surrender, dying to self has to happen first. Death always precedes resurrection life.

In the last post, we’ll talk about the result of surrendering the self to the point of death – receiving resurrection life and power in Christ.

Questions for Reflection

1. Where do you have pride of self in your life or ministry? (You can use Tim Keller’s questions for identifying idols from Counterfeit Gods – what does your imagination, money, disappointment, and emotion center around?)
2. What is your greatest fear? Have you surrendered even that fear to Jesus? Are you able to say, like Job, ‘Though he slay me, yet I will trust him’ (Job 13:15)?
3. What burdens, losses, and pain have you left unresolved and unprocessed? Where do you need to grieve, lament, and release these things to God?

My Story

Learning about Union with Christ was critical in sustaining us through our first years of life and ministry in Thailand. But through this past year, God has been teaching me a precious but difficult lesson – that there is MORE to receive in our abiding and in union.

But my pride and my flesh keep me from truly surrendering to him. And this limits how abundantly I can receive from him.

Over a year ago in March 2021, when we were on a trip to train Thai church planters in Northeastern Thailand, Steven and I were resting in a hotel when suddenly Steven noticed I had begun to mutter. He couldn’t understand what I was saying and called my name several times when suddenly I stood up.

Steven reached me right in time to catch me as I collapsed and suffered multiple grand mal seizures. 

Six hours later, I woke up in the ICU, intubated and with no memory of how I had gotten there. I panicked and my first instinct was to reach up and pull the tube out of my mouth, only for me to realize that I had been tied down to the bed. Thankfully, Steven was there to explain to me what had happened. He was very calm, despite the fact that he had just watched me seize and pass out without any guarantee that I would wake up. 

He very gently explained that I was in a hospital and that while I was unconscious, a CT scan had revealed a 5 centimeter brain tumor in my right forebrain. We needed to go back to America as soon as possible for medical treatment. I’d have to get surgery, and who knows what else and for how long. We needed to leave Thailand and entrust our team and our ministry to God. 

Deep within me, I felt the Spirit and my flesh at war. In my flesh, I was terrified and so anxious – What is happening? Am I going to die? Will I be permanently affected or disabled? Will Steven be OK? What’s going to happen to our teams and our Thai friends? 

A kind nurse had given me a pad of paper to write on. With tears in my eyes, I wrote, “I’m scared.”

But even as I wrote those words, I felt the Holy Spirit come alive within me. In my deepest fear and hopelessness, his love was nearer to me than I had ever experienced, and he put a promise in my mind that has served as my theme for this whole last year. It comes from Philippians 3.

Paul says:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection that I may share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible, I might attain the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:10

Over the course of the year, I have been learning what God meant for me in that verse. That to receive more of Christ, to truly have continuous deep intimacy with him, I must fully surrender and die to myself – even if suffering is the means to do so. 

The Breaking Point

We came back to the States in April 2021, and God provided for us in so many ways. I had an amazing medical team, the surgery went really well, and they got the whole tumor removed. But after the surgery, my doctor called and told me that I would need to stay longer than expected because pathology results showed that this tumor was high-grade and cancerous. I would need further treatment of radiation and chemotherapy. And we would not be going back to Thailand. 

All of a sudden, our lives and ministries were forced to take an indefinite pause as we focused all our efforts toward fighting brain cancer. And although God was with us in so many ways, inside me I still felt so much turmoil and pain. 

I vividly remember one day where I was trying to pray. I was recovering from a surprise case of extremely painful shingles, a side effect of my medication.

I had never felt more alone.

As much as they tried, my friends and family could never truly understand what I was going through. I became resentful toward them and started isolating myself.

I felt helpless, and I couldn’t even trust my own mind, because the cancer was in my own brain.

I was trying to surrender and muster up faith for the medical journey to come. But instead, I devolved into rage. I was so angry with God and unleashed all my frustration and doubt and pain and sorrow at him. 

“ME!? Why ME? I do so much for you. I’ve given everything to serve you! And still you take! All you do is take!”

Jesus’ answer came almost immediately:

“I want to go deeper with you. I want all of you. I love you.” 

And my anger disappeared and my pride deflated like a balloon. Jesus wasn’t taking from me – he was trying to show me how much more of his love he wanted me to experience! But it was only after he brought me to the end of myself that God was able to show me where my heart was not yielded. And he wanted those things out so that he could fill those places with himself.

I had nothing to offer him but brain cancer. 

But these are the lengths of suffering that our loving Father was willing to bring me through to obtain true surrender and intimacy with him.

Suffering Leads to Surrender

Lilias Trotter, one of the first women goers to North Africa, wrote this prayer in her book, Parables of the Cross:

“May God show us every withholding thread of self that needs breaking still.”

Lilias Trotter, Parables of the Cross

God used this past season of suffering and cancer to bring me to a level of surrender that I didn’t even think was possible. It wasn’t enough that I had quit my job, moved to Thailand, and lived the goer life overseas. Deep in my heart, there were still huge parts of myself that God needed to break. 

As cancer brought me low, I learned how weak I really am. How nothing was actually ever in my power or control. I had been taking for granted the gifts that God had given me and was calling them mine. My life, my timeline, my giftings, my ministry. And in weakness and suffering, God was telling me, “Those things are mine to carry. Just give them to me.”

Even though I always knew the “right answer” was that God is in control of my life and of every part of ministry, deep down there were still parts of me that believed I was the answer, that I was in control, and that results happened because of my ability. That if I just set agendas and expectations, then more or less, my plans would come to fruition. One specific way that this came to the surface was the importance I imagined I had in leading our team. As new 25-year-old team leaders, we jumped head first into every problem, conflict, and issue that came up on our team. I would think to myself, ‘if I don’t fix this, it’s going to be catastrophe for everyone.’ In some ways, my intentions were good. I wanted to be a good leader and to make sure the team didn’t struggle. But over time, that desire warped into, ‘only I can solve these issues. These people and this work need me.’ I was putting myself into a position that God alone should occupy.

But cancer suddenly and painfully removed me from ‘being the answer’ for our team. Unable to communicate with teammates or lead in ministry, I was left with no other option but to surrender our team, our work, and more specifically, my self-importance as a leader, to Jesus. Through my helplessness in cancer, he was asking me: ‘Do you trust that the team and ministry belong to me, and that I will direct and guide them in the best way – even without you?’

In having my role ripped away, God was revealing deep roots of pride. Acts 17 says:

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else.

Acts 17:24-25

God himself gives life and breath. My so-called abilities and leadership that I was so proud of, at the end of the day, still depended on whether or not it pleased God to give me breath and health to even operate. With that perspective, things that used to consume my thoughts and energy like people’s opinions of me or always making the right decisions, just stopped mattering as much.

Absolute surrender means that what I do, how I do it, and the outcome and timing is completely dependent on what God has for me, not what I think is best or what I desire to do. It means, realizing truly that God actually is who he says he is, eternal and powerful and responsible for the work of bringing his own glory to the nations. My role is not to be necessary or to fix all the problems, but to simply be his child and follow where He tells me.

Through cancer, He caused me to surrender these things and be free of the burden and weightiness they bring. But to get to this point, I needed the suffering to strip everything away in order to begin to see how much better and how much worthier Jesus was in comparison. 

In her book, A Path Through Suffering, which we read through daily in the weeks leading up to my surgery, Elisabeth Elliot defines suffering very simply:

Suffering is having what you don’t want, and wanting what you don’t have.

Elisabeth Elliot

While your suffering may not look like mine in the form of cancer, I can guarantee that at some point, you will have something you don’t want, or want something you don’t have. These suffering moments, both “big” and “small”, are when we most realize our limits. They give us a lens to understand that our ways and our abilities are never enough in comparison to Jesus. That we must die to ourselves completely. 

It is a merciful Father who strips us when we need to be stripped…He is not finished with us yet, whatever the loss we suffer, for as we lose our hold on visible things, the invisible becomes more precious – where our treasure is, there will our hearts be.

Elisabeth Elliot

Suffering leads us to surrender.

Surrender Prepares Us To Receive From God

And surrender prepares us to receive from God. Paul shows us this in Philippians 3: 

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection that I may share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible, I might attain the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:10

According to Paul, suffering leads us to surrender to the point of death, like Jesus. Only then are we prepared to receive resurrection life.

Death to self is nothing less than what Jesus himself did. With total submission to the Father, His death was death on a cross for our sins. We can trust him with our surrender, because he did the same for us.

And out of that death, he received resurrection life. Surrender prepares us to receive from God.

Here is what Andrew Murray says about the link between surrender and receiving:

“…Here is the path to the higher life: down, lower down! Just as water always seeks and fills the lowest place, so the moment God finds men abased and empty, His glory and power flow in to exalt and to bless.”

– Andrew Murray, Humility

When Jesus told me, “I want to go deeper with you,” on the day of my breakdown, he was actually saying he had so much more blessing for me. More power and more glory! But for me to receive, I needed to surrender all. 

When I went in for brain surgery, the doctors told me their goal was to aggressively cut out every tumor cell that was trying to kill me. In the same way, God was performing a spiritual surgery. Cutting out idols of ministry success, control, and expectations of long life with Steven.

With those out, I could then receive his unconditional love for me, security in His will, and gratitude for each new breath that I have.

Trust him with your full surrender.

Because the other side of surrender is true abiding. 

The other side of surrender is intimacy with Christ. 

The other side of surrender is resurrection life and power! 
Absolute surrender prepares us to receive all from God. When we are surrendered, we are finally low enough and emptied enough to even begin to receive all that God desires to give us.

How Do You Surrender?

In order to fully abide, you must surrender all. You must learn that the gateway into abiding starts by telling God the dreaded words, “I give up. I can’t do it. So you must.” 

As a military term, to surrender means to yield yourself to the possession or power of another. Surrendering in these situations means giving up control and entrusting your fate to another, likely an enemy. But thankfully in our case, we are not yielding to an enemy. We yield to our best friend who knows us, who loves us, and who never withholds. 

I have experienced firsthand how difficult and painful surrender can be. But your good Father is waiting on the other side. He is poised and ready to bless you! And as you practice surrendering, here are some things to consider. 

1. Learn The Lesson in Suffering

A friend previously shared with me that it seemed like her friends in full-time ministry seemed to experience suffering more painfully and more often than others. Because of this, she was afraid to surrender more to Jesus because of the suffering that might follow. Even though this may be true, this statement makes me so sad. Jesus is better than any suffering we might endure. May we rejoice when we are counted worthy to suffer for his name. 

In the gospels, Jesus guarantees to his disciples that, “in this world, you will have troubles. But take heart, I have overcome the world!” Suffering is guaranteed for the life of a disciple. It’s not something we are actively looking for. But when you encounter pain and suffering, my encouragement for you is that you would not waste those opportunities. And these opportunities come each and every day for us. 

As you go through it, as much as you can, try to learn the lessons in suffering that God gives, to surrender and receive from him. Surrender your pain, your timeline, your expectations, your results. And wait and see what the Lord does.

2. Make weakness your aim. 

Elizabeth Elliot says, “the experience of weakness puts us in the position of seeking another’s strength.”

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I have a harder time accepting the fact that I am weak and unable, more than I do the idea that I will need to suffer. There is something in us that cannot accept uncertainty, failure, or powerlessness. But apart from Christ, that IS our constant state. Much like in suffering, God uses weakness to drive us toward humility and dependence on him. 

Don’t run away from situations you can’t control. Don’t grit your way through difficult circumstances. Embrace situations where you can be weak. These are opportunities to learn greater surrender and to call upon God to be your strength! It is okay to be weak because Christ is strong.

We often quote Hudson Taylor as a good example of someone who lived out of union life. But even Hudson Taylor would still struggle with weakness – but instead of trying to will his way out of hard situations, he would realize those were times to draw near to and draw from God. Whenever he felt himself weak or overwhelmed, he would very simply pray, “God, I thirst.” 

Sometimes, he would pray this 20 times a day! “God, I thirst.” And by acknowledging his thirst, his weakness, Hudson Taylor was able to experience deep comfort from God.

Paths of Righteousness

I want to conclude with an encouragement from Psalm 23. This is a popular one, full of the promises of God. The Lord is our shepherd, he will lead us to green pastures, and he will make us lie beside still waters. But there is a disturbing verse right in the middle: 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. 

Psalm 23:4

Why are we talking about death in the middle of one of the most uplifting Psalms? A teammate pointed out to me that perhaps it is actually connected with the previous verse – “He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” 

After this past year, I am convinced that the good shepherd’s path of righteousness includes the valley of the shadow of death. 

And yet even there, we do not fear evil because he is with us the entire way.

The end of Psalm 23 is beautiful. David starts the Psalm speaking about God in the third person – He makes me lie down, he leads me, he restores. But in and after the valley of the shadow of death, David changes his language and speaks to God directly. You are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me. You prepare a table for me. 

David’s language changes from the distant ‘he’ to the personal you, because David has walked through death and seen his good shepherd with him the whole way. This is why David has the confidence to say, surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. Before the valley, David said he shall not want…but after the valley, his cup overflows. These promises are ours to receive, if we would walk with him through every path of righteousness, even the ones that feel like death. 

As you pursue deeper abiding through surrender, I hope that this Psalm is a comfort for you. That in suffering, in exhaustion, in the deepest valleys, in the lowest points of surrender, your good shepherd Jesus is with you. And even the valley of the shadow of death is his to use as he guides you on the path of righteousness.

Don’t fear suffering. Don’t fear surrender. He is with you, and he desires to go deeper in abiding with you until your cup overflows.

Questions For Reflection

If you feel the Spirit pushing at you in any way, my encouragement with you is to stop and listen. Listen to his voice. Tell him that you desire deeper abiding. Examine yourself and the places where you are not surrendered. Here are some questions that you might bring to him:

• Where have I been self reliant or prideful? 
• Where am I afraid to suffer or to be weak?
• What situations am I going through that make me anxious, afraid, or angry? 
• Where have I let ministry come between me and God?
• Where have I not forgiven? 

If you’re walking through a season of difficulty or suffering, we’d love to hear from you, encourage you, and pray for you. Please reach out at contact@missionsleaders.com.

In the next post, Steven will share about what is received out of absolute surrender – receiving resurrection life and power.