In our last few posts, we’ve talked about why men and women leading together on the field is important, best practices to do that, and specifics for husband and wife leadership teams. In this post, we’ll bring some guidelines for men leading women in missions settings.

We think the ideal situation is when there can be a man and a woman co-leading together, taking advantage of all the diversity of gifts and perspectives to lead a healthy and effective team. From what we have observed, the ideal is rarely available on the mission field and it may be the case that the only qualified leader currently available is a man who is leading other women. 

In my experience talking to men in this situation, these leaders deeply value their female teammates and strongly desire to see the women under their leadership thrive and flourish. But oftentimes, these leaders also don’t know what they don’t know, and unfortunately their intuitive leadership style may not end up being the most conducive or helpful when leading women.

In this scenario, we’ve laid out a few tips that we’d encourage male leaders to consider in order to best lead, empower, and appropriately care for the women on your team.

Aim to Develop

Generally speaking, men will feel most comfortable working with people who are most like them – namely other men. They may be aware that leading women is different from leading men but aren’t sure how to approach things differently. Consequently, women can get overlooked when it comes to intentional development and opportunities for growth. In all likelihood, the women on your team have already had a deficit of development opportunities to this point. We believe a missions team is strongest when all members of the team are empowered, developed, and thriving in their best role. Here are some suggestions for how to best develop your female teammates.

Solicit and Give Feedback – Make an effort to regularly and proactively solicit the opinions and feedback of your female teammates about what they are processing about themselves, about your leadership, about the team, and about the ministry work. Women are encouraged to not make waves and will not always volunteer their perspectives, especially if their opinion contradicts that of the group. Because women are generally more collaborative and risk-averse by nature, women may sometimes need more time and space to process information. While this might feel like you are being forced to slow down, creating this venue for women to share creates safety and brings in perspectives that will most likely reap dividends down the line. Practically, it could be as simple as asking a female teammate during a meeting, “What do you think?” Or, if a female teammate hasn’t spoken much during a meeting, pulling them aside after the meeting is over and asking for their feedback.

Conversely, and just as important, give gentle but direct feedback to the women you lead. I have observed that in ministry spaces, women, and especially mothers, can sometimes “get the pass” because of not wanting to hurt feelings or not wanting to pile on pressure. But when feedback is withheld, a woman’s ability to learn and develop is undercut, and the whole team suffers. If you have feedback you would give to a man, then the women on your team deserve the same benefit.

Keep in mind that when you give feedback, women might respond differently than men! You should aim to create a safe space for women to freely and safely express their emotions. Ask about their feelings concerning a situation. Sometimes, there may be a response like tears or frustration – don’t be afraid to engage with emotional responses. (Steven says to keep the tissues nearby!) In some situations, high emotions are an appropriate response and sometimes they are not. Let the emotion be a jumping off point for further questions and dialogue into understanding their experience before continuing to discuss the topic at hand.

For women that you lead, it can be comforting to see that not only do you respect and seek out their inputs, but you also respect them enough as peers and teammates that you would say the hard thing for their development. It becomes that much easier to trust and follow your leadership. 

Find a Woman Mentor or Coach – While I had a male supervisor in our organization, I credit much of my growth and development to the female mentors he encouraged me to find. I respected my male colleagues, but would always be curious about, “how would a woman approach this topic?” 

These topics could include personal development issues, family and marriage counseling, or ministry coaching. You, as a male leader, are not going to have all the answers and will definitely not carry a woman’s perspective. But you can network and find women with experience and credibility to connect with the women on your team. These mentors could come from your organization’s member care staff, your wife, a more experienced worker, or another female leader in a different context. And it doesn’t only have to be one woman mentor that can address everything – find the appropriate coach for the areas that your women teammates need input. Help the women you lead build an ecosystem of support that includes you as the leader, and also female mentors and coaches who can speak into their specific needs. 

Create an Empowering Culture

It’s important to very intentionally create a culture that is empowering to women. This may take some outside-the-box thinking as most systems and structures, whether from business or ministry contexts, will generally be more accommodating for men. For more information on this topic, you can reference our blog post on external barriers that women in leadership face.

Clearly Define What You Believe – As theologians and denominations continue to wrestle with defining women’s roles and parameters for women’s leadership, ministry can be a very confusing place for women. Most women in ministry will understand that there is a “line” that they shouldn’t cross, but that line can feel very nebulous and arbitrary. Without this level of clarity, women who want to respect you as a leader will tend to draw far back from where they assume the “line” is. 

If you are a man leading women, it’s important that your theological position and work expectations are clearly communicated to both the men and women on your team. Can a woman hold a leadership role? What about teaching or preaching? Can women work with male team members? Can women lead men? What kind of communication and accountability expectations do you have for women on the team? 

In addition, be clear about any personal boundaries that you have when working with women. When should husbands be looped in and for what kinds of topics? Are there topics that you will not discuss with women that you lead? Can you text, call, or email one on one with a woman or do you prefer to communicate in a group? What are spaces that you feel comfortable meeting a woman in? 

Create space for dialogue, where women you lead can ask questions, push back, and offer feedback. After there is buy-in on both sides, help the women on your team find their ideal roles within the theological stance of the team. If it is helpful, write these things down, possibly in an MOU, as a reference point for the whole team.

Even if the conversation feels awkward, remember that this clarity is kindness. This prevents the women on your team from wasting time guessing about the validity of their actions and allows them to joyfully pursue their work within agreed upon parameters. When men on the team are clear about what is expected, they are better able to champion their female co-laborers and advocate for them.

Check Your Own Biases – We all have biases, whether we realize it or not. The goal is not to necessarily get rid of all your biases, but to recognize them and realize where they may be disempowering. Oftentimes, when Steven and I are both part of a meeting, it is assumed that I am there to take notes. Until I am introduced as a peer, I rarely receive eye contact from the men in the room or might be ushered toward the tables where the wives sit. 

Are there certain roles that you naturally assume a woman would occupy? Notetakers, secretaries, event planners, administrative assistants, children ministry leaders, and mothers who stay home are all roles that “make sense” for women to occupy. And while these roles are incredibly important, not every woman you lead will want to be lumped into these categories.

Take the time to talk with the women that you lead about their passions, giftings, and opportunities for development and growth. Cast vision and help them brainstorm roles that align with their giftings to contribute to the team and ministry, and discuss how you can help them get there. 

Create Environments Welcoming for Women – Culture is often set in those in-between spaces between official meetings and team functions. Much is revealed in how welcome women are in these informal gatherings and hangouts where people are less buttoned up. In my old organization, there was a tradition for leaders to sit around a campfire late-night with a glass of bourbon to relate to one another, process decisions made in the organization, and enjoy fellowship. While women were “welcome”, they weren’t ever explicitly invited. For many single gals, drinking late at night didn’t feel like a safe environment to let loose, while mothers with little kids had to opt out due to the late hour. An alternative we suggested was meeting in someone’s living room with both wine and bourbon options. As you consider your team culture, are relational spaces accessible to everyone? Do women feel invited to partake in the unofficial activities related to your team? Is there anyone who needs to be extended a specific invitation?

Navigating Unique Gender Dynamics

There are certain relational dynamics that must be considered in cross-gender leadership. Creating clarity and buy-in around these things first will prevent a world of confusion.

What to Do with Wives – For men leading married women, there are additional factors to consider and extra communication may be required. One of the first questions to discern is whether the wife of a couple that you lead feels both (1) called to be a part of the ministry work and (2) is willing to follow your leadership and direction for the mission. Do not make assumptions about a wife’s commitment based on simply what her husband is doing or saying. If she does want to be a part of the work, then have conversations with her and her husband about ways you can communicate, set directives, and develop her for her ministry role that are in line with the way their family operates. If you have hesitation about directly leading a married woman, try to loop in her husband into any communication that you might have with her.

On a similar note, if the husband of a couple you lead is also a leader, do not automatically assume that the wife needs to be a leader too. As we mentioned in our blog post on couples leading together, we would recommend that husbands and wives who lead together both need to have a leadership calling from God. It can be dangerous to elevate a wife into leadership when she has not received that level of calling as it places undue pressure on both her and potentially the marriage.

What to Do with Single Women – Single women are a powerful asset to any team, but often have the least influence or voice within a team or organization. Single women also may be boxed into certain roles like babysitting the teams’ kids or notetaking. Without husbands to help advocate for them, single women may withhold their voices instead of trying to speak directly with a male leader. Make sure that you are actively soliciting the opinions of single women and checking in on their needs, concerns, insight, and feedback. Single women may have higher relational needs, and it is important that you are able to resource them with mentors, coaches, and opportunities to meet local female friends.

Just a Little Intentionality…

The first time I publicly spoke in front of a crowd, I was terrified. Steven and I had been invited by our leader to share some of the lessons we had learned from our first term on the field to the rest of our organization’s staff. At that time, I was still wrestling with whether or not the Bible allowed for a woman to even speak publicly, so it was a big honor! 

After I rambled through my part and sat down, a high level male leader in our organization sought me out. He told me, “you were a little shaky in the beginning. But much better when you got up to speed. You’re probably not as strong as a teacher, but you are gifted in exhortation and you need to speak more.” Then, turning to Steven, he told him, “you need to make sure that she gets space to speak.” Even almost ten years later, his direct feedback continues to remind me that I am seen, gifted, and have a contribution. For some reason, I assumed women would encourage me, but to be noticed by a high level male leader whose inner circle I normally wouldn’t be a part of meant something more. By God’s grace, I have continued using my voice to coach individuals, speak to larger groups, and even help co-host a podcast. But I wonder if I would have had the courage to say yes to the next opportunity if this leader hadn’t gone out of his way to give me his feedback and encouragement.

For you men who are leading women and desire to honor them in the highest way, my encouragement to you is that you don’t have to be perfect. But know that just a little bit of intentionality and empowerment from you can go a long way!

Reflection Questions

1. Aim to Develop:
   • Are there areas where you have not yet developed the women on your team?
   • Do you find yourself withholding feedback from the women on your team? If yes, why?
   • Do the women that you lead have access to women mentors and coaches who can help them grow? If no, where can you find these women?
2. Create An Empowering Culture:
   • Do you have personal clarity on your theological stance concerning women in ministry and your personal boundaries in regards to working with women? Have these been clearly communicated?
   • Do you have implicit biases around women’s roles in ministry that might be impacting how you interact with the women that you lead?
   • On a scale from 1-10 (1 being unsafe, 10 being very safe), how welcome do the women on your team feel during both team functions and informal gatherings? How can you increase this number?
3. Navigating Gender Dynamics
   • Are lines of communication and expectations clear with the wives that you lead?
   • Are you regularly checking in on single women that you lead?

Jenn and I (Steven) leading together got off to a rough start.

One of the first things we did as a couple in ministry, before we were even married, was attend a support raising bootcamp with our Thailand team members. At the time, our team was both of us, four of my best friends growing up, and one single gal from Alabama who went through the same pre-field goer training as us and had a heart to serve in Thailand.

We had all just quit our jobs and were ready to start support raising – our launch to Thailand was about one year out. I borrowed my parent’s minivan and drove our team up from Austin, Texas to Dallas where the boot camp was being held. We were picking up our new teammate Kate* (name changed for security purposes) from the airport before heading to the support raising training. As we were entering the airport, I said, “Hey guys, this is our first time meeting Kate in person. Let’s try to keep the inside jokes to a minimum and make her feel as welcome as possible.” Everyone nodded their heads in agreement.

Before we had even left the airport, two of my friends had started to record a homemade rap video while wearing Jenn’s leopard-print jacket for no particular reason. Leader instruction #1 – failed.

Later that day, as we were getting settled in a friend’s house, Jenn and I started to argue about something. Kate and Jenn were sharing a room since Jenn and I weren’t married yet, and as our argument escalated, I could feel Kate continually shrinking into the corner, trying her best not to be noticed.

As the conflict was rising to a climax, an intrusive thought popped into my head that I knew would really send Jenn over the edge. Unfortunately, but hilariously, it made its way through my brain filter and out of my mouth.

“Just remember who your boss is,” I quipped at Jenn. I closed the door behind me smiling to myself and knowing that I would pay for that comment later.

I learned later that I narrowly avoided the pair of pants that were hurtling towards my head.

“Men! Can you believe him?!” Jenn said to Kate, who was now almost merged with the wall.

Welcome to the team, Kate.

And welcome to co-leadership, Jenn and Steven.

When we tell you that it’s a miracle that God has brought us this far in our marriage and co-leadership, it’s stories like this that affirm that reality! And Kate ended up marrying one of my friends on the team and they are still serving on the field today.

In our previous posts, we covered why it’s important that men and women lead together on missions teams, and some of thepractical guidelines for how they can do that effectively. We kept those more general towards men and women because we believe men and women leadership teams don’t have to be exclusively between husbands and wives. However, many of those co-leadership teams will end up being married couples. If that’s your situation, then this post is for you!

The story above is meant to illustrate how confusing, convoluted, and contentious co-leadership on missions teams can be for husbands and wives and also for their teams, organizations, and ministry partners. But if it can be done well, it can be a rich reflection of Christ and the church, as a husband and wife walk together in leadership and ministry.

Why It Makes Sense for Husbands and Wives to Serve and Lead Together

In our experience, a calling overseas is different from most ministry callings in your home context. When Jenn and I lived in the U.S., we had separate ministries. We invested in different people, rarely overlapped, and were supportive of one another without being directly involved in each other’s work.

Overseas, we’ve found that both husband and wife need to share the same level of calling and commitment to the vision, regardless of their specific role or ministry activity. It’s much harder for one spouse to say, “This is my spouse’s calling, and I’ll just support them,” because simply living cross-culturally requires significant sacrifice. Even when one spouse is primarily focused on the home or family, their commitment to the vision needs to be just as strong in order to persevere through the challenges of life on the field.

Ministry overseas – especially movement-focused ministry – can also be all-encompassing. It’s not a typical 9–5 job that you can leave behind when you go home. If you’re focused on multiplying disciples, you may have people in your home regularly or a demanding travel schedule to visit key partners. Because the boundaries between work and home are less clear, husbands and wives need to have clarity and be aligned around both life and ministry.

When we’ve seen unequal commitment between spouses, it often leads to disunity, competition between family and ministry, and potentially resentment that results in leaving the field.

When both spouses share the same calling and level of commitment, working together toward the vision can make a lot of sense. It requires a lot of communication and figuring things out, some of which we laid out in our previous post about men and women and some other things for husbands and wives in this post.

Our recommendation for married couples overseas is that both spouses should have the same level of calling and commitment to the vision, regardless of role. If that shared vision is present, then we’d encourage husbands and wives to discuss what it looks like to work together if both desire to have a role in ministry.

The last category is for husbands and wives that are interested in leading together. We’d give a strong exhortation that couples should only lead together in a ministry setting or missions team if both spouses are genuinely called and gifted for leadership. We define a leader as “a man or woman who receives vision from God to influence the people of God towards the purposes of God.”

Elevating a spouse into co-leadership without a leadership calling and gifting can undermine the other spouse’s credibility and place unnecessary pressure on the one who isn’t called to lead. A non-leader spouse can still play a powerful role as a supporter and sounding board. But when both spouses are truly called to leadership and find healthy ways to lead together, it can be a beautiful and effective partnership.

Best Practices for Husbands and Wives Leading Together

We’d highly recommend that married couples that want to lead together overseas work through the 5 categories in our last post – commitment, communication, conflict, clearing the path, and collaborative giftings. These are critical components for any men/women co-leaders but especially for husbands and wives. Below we have a few additional best practices specific to married couples.

We don’t yet have children and won’t try to speak on that dynamic, though we understand it adds complexity and challenge for husbands and wives that desire to lead together. However, we have seen married couples on the field learn to lead together in the ministry and the home simultaneously. Jenn recently recorded a podcast with Jesse and Shanee Snodgrass who host the Coworkers Podcast on this topic and we’ll link it here when it’s live!

Working Styles

Married couples leading together should learn to understand each other’s working styles. When we first started working and leading together, Jenn frequently thought that I (Steven) was frustrated with her or thought that I was unhappy with her work. One day she asked me, “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No – why would you think that?” I asked.

“Because whenever we’re talking about ministry or team things, you seem to be a lot more stern or short with me.”

We realized that Jenn had not really encountered “working mode” Steven before. I had to apologize and explain that when I’m working, I can be more intense and move faster out of a desire to focus and get things done. She had been used to me more in dating / companionship mode where I was a lot more attentive in listening, gentler, and more laid-back. I had to be more cognizant of being gentler with my words and overall attitude, and Jenn had to learn not to take my intensity personally.

There were several other aspects of our working styles that came up that we had to discuss and pursue clarity on. For example, I was much more detailed and more of a planner, and Jenn was less-detailed and prioritized finishing things quickly. We also had to be careful to understand that our working styles didn’t necessarily translate over to our relationship dynamics. Just because I preferred to plan in ministry and working topics didn’t mean that I wanted to plan every aspect of our date nights or household chores.

We learned to either offer or ask, “what hat are you wearing right now?” For example, I might be talking about our schedule for the week, but Jenn would be unclear if it was Steven the team and ministry leader talking, or Steven her husband talking. I would need to clarify that we were planning for the ministry schedule for the week, and after that was cleared we could set aside time to discuss personal things. Of course, it’s not always that clear and people are complicated, but pursuing clarity in your working styles can help husband and wife teams operate more smoothly.

Boundaries

For couples working and leading together, setting some boundaries will be helpful in preserving both your working relationship and marriage relationship. Some couples may have very integrated personal and working lives, whereas others might have stronger boundaries and more organization. Find out what works for you! Jenn and I (Steven) tend to be pretty interwoven in how we interact, but we did set some boundaries like not talking about work on date nights, or not talking about work 30 minutes before bedtime or after waking up. Some couples we know will have very clear delineations about not talking through personal issues during the workday, and not talking about work things during personal times. Others may set a weekly check-in to talk through work logistics.

Another boundary that we set early on was to not have conflict in front of team members when possible, and to speak as highly of each other as we could even if we were having a conflict. During our first year on the field, it felt like every time right before we would lead a team meeting, we would enter into a conflict without fail. But as we arrived at the meeting, we would say, “let’s put a pin in this.” It was our way of agreeing that the conflict was not resolved yet but we were both committed to discussing it later, and that we both needed to take a moment to let our emotions die down and focus on the current priority of leading the meeting or ministry activity.

It will take some time and trial to figure out what dynamic works for both the husband and wife. It’s important to be honest about your needs and preferences, but also to try your best to take on a Philippians 2 posture of putting others higher than ourselves. At some times, one or both of you might feel like you want to give up, that it’s too hard to figure it out. Our encouragement is that if this is something you’ve felt the Lord guiding you towards and something you both desire, it is worth the hard work of wading through the mess to learn how to work together with your best friend and lifetime companion!

Pursuing Clarity

While it can be a joy to lead with your spouse, adding another role into an already existing dynamic of husband and wife brings up a lot of questions. While some of these questions may feel uncomfortable, we encourage you to engage wholeheartedly with all of them until you reach a point of clarity and agreement. Otherwise, your working together will be seeped in conflict and misunderstanding. Based on our experience, here are some areas where couples who work and lead together need to be on the same page.

Theological Clarity – Early in our marriage, I (Jenn) had a deep fear of being the type of domineering woman Paul calls out in 1 Timothy 2. We had learned about marriage roles where the husband is the head of the family and wives were called to submit. But how did the husband’s headship over the family apply to our dynamic of working and leading together? We had to do the work of searching the scriptures, praying, seeking counsel from wise voices, and dialoguing with one another to figure out what we truly believed. 

Reaching theological clarity together is critical to ensuring that your marriage and ministry are in line with what God is calling you to do. Some questions to consider are: 

• What does the Bible say about the role of husbands and wives? How are they to relate to one another? How are they to relate to people in ministry?
• What does the Bible say about men and women in leadership? What leadership roles are available to women and to men? 
• What does the Bible say about men and women working together in ministry? 

After studying the Word and discussing with Steven, I felt freedom and confidence that I could step into a role of leadership without fear of disobeying the Bible.

Role Clarity – Once you are clear on your theological stance, you can begin to discuss roles and responsibilities in both your marriage, your ministry, and in leadership together. Both husband and wife bring their own unique spiritual gifts, strengths, and weaknesses into both marriage and ministry. This is a wonderful thing! Seek to build out your roles in a way that lines up with what you’ve discussed. Both spouses don’t have to do the exact same things, but can divide and conquer based on giftings and strengths and season of life. The goal is to be on the same page about what each person is expected to do and be accountable for in any given situation.

Clarity for Outside Stakeholders – Husbands and wives are not the only ones who need clarity. If you are working in ministry or leading together, there are other stakeholders who are impacted by your dynamic like your team, national partners, church, and organization. When I (Jenn) was elevated to a leadership role with Steven, it was important that I received a leadership title so that our teammates and organization knew that my decisions carried leadership weight. Teammates needed to understand me and Steven’s unique responsibilities in the leadership dynamic, so that they knew which of us they could bring certain issues or questions to. It’s especially important for husbands and wives to speak well of each other publicly as a way to create a united front, show mutual respect in your co-leadership and co-working, and to help those you lead and interact with to have confidence in your dynamic.

Similarly, your ministry partners will also need clarity. Steven and I both work with our national partner, Mint. In most meetings, I will initially connect relationally with Mint. I’ll ask her about her abiding, conflicts she’s having, how she’s feeling about any given topic. Mint knows those questions are coming from me and she’s become comfortable divulging more personal information to me. But she also knows Steven will ask her about her strategy, objectives, and goals. She also knows that she can ask us for almost anything and that Steven and I will be on the same page to try and help her.

Tools

Marriage Retreats – In the midst of cross-cultural living, ministry, and leadership, it can be hard to find a moment to communicate and connect with one another. Don’t forget, God is pleased when our marriages are healthy and centered on Him and on serving one another! We recommend setting at least an annual 2-3 day retreat to focus on your marriage. Objectives for this time would be for rest, deeper connection in your marriage, evaluating how your marriage and partnership is doing, and prayer and planning for the year. Calendar these retreats ahead of time and set them somewhere comfortable and outside of your context. 

Husband-Wife MOU – A helpful tool to establish clarity of roles and responsibilities between husband and wife is to create a Husband-Wife MOU. Categorize all the activities you are responsible for as individuals and as a couple and demarcate who takes ownership for what. It’s helpful to revisit this document regularly, as seasons of life and ministry might shift these things. Below is the MOU we created for our team. Feel free to use our template and adapt it to your context.

Conclusion

When I (Steven) was first entering into a season of being newly married and preparing to lead a team and ministry in Thailand, I felt a tension rising about how to prioritize my focus and time. As we went through pre-marital counseling and read marriage books, the overwhelming message was that your focus should be God above everything, then your marriage and family, and then everything else like your ministry or job.

But life and ministry overseas would require significant sacrifice that would affect our marriage. It wouldn’t be comfortable, things wouldn’t be easy, and there would be considerable challenges for our relationship. How could I reconcile wanting to prioritize my marriage in the context of responding to the call of missions that God had given so clearly?

I posed this question to one of my mentors, Caleb. He said something that has proven true over the last decade of marriage, ministry, and leadership.

“It’s not always so simple to prioritize things as God > marriage > ministry. Those things are intertwined. Loving God is loving my marriage. Loving my ministry is loving God. Loving my marriage is loving ministry.”

His point was that all of those things – your relationship with God, relationship with your spouse, and your ministry calling – all affect each other. Of course, any idolatry in your marriage or ministry will cause unhealth in the other dynamics. And there will absolutely be times that you should take a step back from ministry to work on your marriage or your relationship with God.

We can see this interwoven framework in Genesis 2 when God takes Adam to oversee the Garden of Eden. “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” It is within the context of pursuing his calling that God gives Adam a partner in Eve.

We believe that ministering and leading out of who you are as a married couple is a powerful witness that reflects God’s intention for marriage. Beyond being companions in life, you can also be partners in pursuing His calling. As you pursue clarity and learn how to lead together, we hope that your joy in marriage increases and reflects God’s glory to those around you!