Team Conflict

Team conflict on the field is a fact of life. Many studies of missionary field teams have found that “disagreements with other missionaries” is one of the top reasons for preventable missionary attrition. Because team leaders bear the responsibility for the health and thriving of their team, we need to be prepared to face and help resolve conflict as proactively as possible. When conflict is managed poorly, we put ourselves and our teams at risk. At best, time and emotional energy are consumed by escalating conflicts and at worst, people leave the field prematurely. But if conflict is managed well and if expectations are healthy, then these moments of disagreement can become opportunities to imitate Christ, to grow toward one another, and to develop deeper trust on your team! 

I personally dislike conflict and become very anxious at relational disharmony. I wouldn’t say I am particularly good at shepherding either. So when we launched, I prayed often for God to quell dissent and to bring our team unity and peace. While I have seen him answer that prayer many times, that unfortunately did not stop our team of 13 from experiencing conflict with one another. Many times Steven and I were required to mediate, lead, and help our people live at peace with one another. It has never been easy and we made a lot of mistakes, but over time, we have learned some skills and expectations that have helped us to navigate and resolve conflict well.

God’s Heart For Unity

In John 17, Jesus prays for those who will believe (that’s us!), that we would be one with each other and in Christ. In verse 23, Jesus says that the result of such unity would be that the world would know that the Father sent the Son and also they would see the love of Christ for them! Even though it might feel easier to avoid dealing with team conflict in the moment, it is good for us to remember that God’s heart is for us to be one with each other. Out of our obedience and love for Christ, let us continue to engage with and try to understand one another, even if it means stepping into uncomfortable and difficult discussions.

What Do People Conflict About? 

To be a healthy team does NOT mean that there is an absence of conflict. In fact, the absence of conflict might be a warning sign that people aren’t actually saying what they mean. It is natural for sinful people to clash, and even moreso when experiencing cultural stress and transition! However, conflict can be a powerful tool when approached rightly. These are times when people are most honest and vulnerable with one another, and healthy resolution can actually strengthen our teams as we seek to love each other like Christ! 

In our experience, the majority of conflicts we have dealt with revolve around missed expectations and miscommunication over “small” things. Roommate conflict, where to live, how money is spent, what to do about Christmas, the list goes on and on. Because these topics don’t feel weighty, we tend to push them aside or not take the time to reach full resolution. That’s when we miscommunicate. 

We have a tendency to assume that the other person understands our perspective. But what we often tell our teammates is – no one can read your mind! Good communication is a multi-step process.

What we say is filtered through our values, experiences, personality, and emotions which another person may not understand. And when that person takes in information from us, they are also filtering through their values, experiences, personality, and emotions.

Here’s a quick tip for leaders as you make decisions for your teams. In our experience, the topics that inspire the most pushback from team members are ones that make them feel like their personal lives are being challenged. Things like suggestions on how people should spend their time, parenting styles, or money may require more delicate communication. 

One of the most surprising conflict areas on our team was our team fellowship times that we had once a month. It was meant to be a time to have worship, fellowship, maybe a quick Bible study or encouragement, and have some fun as a team by playing games or watching a movie together. Once a month! To us as leaders, it felt like such a low-risk activity that everyone would be excited to be a part of.

To our amazement (and, confession, with some eye rolling), everybody had opinions and missed expectations about our team fellowship time. People didn’t like what food was chosen or how much money was spent on it, some people didn’t really want to have Bible study time, some people didn’t like games and felt alienated when we started playing games, some people had opinions about the movies we would watch, some didn’t like the worship songs that were picked. Everyone was filtering their expectation of team fellowship around their lens and preferences, and because we as leaders had assumed it was a low-hanging fruit activity, we never got to a point of clarity about what people wanted or hearing feedback from them. We had to have several different low-level conflict resolution conversations, either with groups of people or individuals, to resolve the misunderstandings or manage expectations correctly. None of those topics – food, fun, songs, etc. – were really a big deal at the end of the day. But because of the missed expectations from multiple people in multiple areas, team fellowship ended up being one of the more anxious and difficult things that we did. After resolving conflicts and communicating expectations more clearly to our team, it became one of the favorite parts of team life. We couldn’t get people to leave our apartment! Steven, because he is an old person that doesn’t like fun, would literally have to tap out at 1am to go to sleep while people kept hanging out!

Although we have found that many small conflicts stem from missed expectations, cultural differences, and miscommunications, sometimes conflicts do have more serious roots where deep values or personalities clash. In these cases, more time and care will need to be taken, and you might consider a more formal mediation process. Below, I’ll break down the process for how to engage in these more serious conflict resolution situations. This process works for situations where you are personally in conflict with someone, or if you are mediating conflict for people on your team.

When to Engage v. Letting Things Go

In Proverbs, Solomon instructs us that “A man’s wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense.“

In Romans, Paul instructs the church, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” In general, if we are able to have peace in our heart towards our teammates and co-workers, then we should try our best to avoid conflict. Not only that, the Bible says that overlooking offense is to our glory. However, why does Paul say the phrase, “if it is possible?” Are there times when it is not possible to live at peace? 

In those situations, when trying to work with a difficult person, rather than write them off as peace destroyers, I believe the most loving thing we can do is engage them in order to try and reach a point of understanding. 

When should you take action to clear the air? Here is a list of situations where you might consider having a crucial conversation: 

• The Spirit calls you to engage with a brother or sister directly.
• If someone is living in some sort of sin or operating under misunderstandings that need to be corrected. 
• Something a brother or sister is doing is impacting themselves, the ministry, or the team in adverse ways. 
• If you are not able to experience peace or work with this person without bitterness for more than 24 hours. If you pass that 24 hour mark without resolution, then bitterness often festers in the form of telling ourselves untrue stories or escalating behaviors. Although it’s uncomfortable, if a conflict resolution conversation needs to happen, it’s always easier to do it earlier rather than later.

Before you Engage: 

In our experience, entering into conflict unprepared is often a recipe for disaster. As tensions rise, so do the heat of our emotions, and we become less gracious and clear in our communication. However, the goal of a conflict is not to win or to make another person feel bad. Our objective, as members of the body of Christ, should be for the restoration of our brother or sister and for peace.

If you need to have a crucial conversation with a teammate, take the time to examine your heart and get your facts in order. Ask yourself these questions: 

• What is the story I am telling myself? Is it true? 
• What are my emotions when I consider the situation? When I consider the person? 
• What is the situation from this person’s perspective? Is it true? 
• What do I want this person to know? Why?
• Do I need to ask for forgiveness? Do I need to forgive them? 
• Am I just trying to win? Or am I trying to help my brother/sister? 
• After all this reflection, do I still need to talk to them? 

Ground Rules for Engaging Each Other

It is very important to understand that the goal of a conflict or a crucial conversation is NOT to win or to punish. At the end of the day, you are on the same team and your goal is to help reach a point of peace, mutual understanding, and to help one another grow in the process. You are trying to get on the same page and to find ways to resolve and ensure that similar misunderstandings don’t happen again. Here are some tips for how to engage in a crucial conversation: 

• Pray – Pray often for the Spirit to be with everyone involved and to soften hearts to hear the truth. 
• Check your heart – Am I humble and ready to engage with love and a desire to reach resolution? Am I willing to be wrong? 
• Set a time – If you are wanting to bring something up, set a time where both parties understand the goal is to hash out the conflict. Nobody likes to be blindsided. 
• Make it your aim to listen – So often when we feel offended, we want to get everything off our chest. However, there are always multiple sides to a story, and it’s important that you are ready and able to hear the other person’s perspective.
• Allow for emotions – Team conflict can be very emotional. As much as is possible, don’t scorn the emotions people might be feeling, but allow everyone to express themselves safely. 
• Ask questions – Look for clarity if there is something you do not understand. Do not let underlying assumptions lie when there is an opportunity to clear things up. A helpful question / statement to pursue clarity would be to summarize what the other person says with the statement, “what I heard you say was…am I correct?” or to conversely ask, “what did you hear me say?”
• Use “I” statements – Refrain from making accusations. Instead of telling someone “you forgot my birthday”, reframe to speak in the first person. “I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday.” 
• Be willing to work towards a solution – Very seldom is a conflict truly one-sided. At the end of the day, we all usually play some sort of part. Be willing to own up to your mistakes and work towards growing and correcting your issues.

Peacemakers: The Four G’s 

There are many frameworks and processes to help guide us as we go through conflict. The one our team utilizes is called The Four G’s. Below is an abbreviated version of the process: 

1. Glorify God – In all things, we are to glorify God. How can we glorify God in the midst of conflict? Take some time to pray together and invite his Spirit to come and help you reconcile. Ask for his help to give you humble and loving hearts toward one another. 
2. Get the Log Out of Your Eye – Every conflict has two sides. Start by confessing where you have sinned, where you have offended, or where you have felt judgmental or critical. 
3. Gently Restore – Take time to share where you have been hurt by the other person, and ways they may have contributed to the conflict. The goal is to restore your brother or sister to alignment with Christ, and to help them change for the better. 
4. Go and Be Reconciled – Genuinely forgive one another and seek to continue to live as brothers/sisters. 

God has designs for conflict that extend far beyond just solving the problem. He uses conflict to build unity, to help us self-examine, and to give us opportunities to support one another and push one another toward Christ. Even though it can feel difficult, unfair, or like a waste of time to navigate conflict, we can trust that his purposes are good and higher and that he is with us as we work to love one another. It’s worth it! May God use the unity on your team as a witness for the lost in your contexts as they see your love for one another!

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

John 17:20-23

Resources

• Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny
• Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
• Humility by Andrew Murray